|
|
|
Sexist Jokes for Men
Shopping for Men Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems. Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why. Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer. Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy. Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?" Rule #11: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why. Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker. Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why. Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why... ++++ Men Quotes "All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others." Henry Youngman "To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'." Rita Rudner "This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.' I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'" Judy Tenuta "Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks." Jean Kerr "Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison." Tim Allen "I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags." Gwyneth Paltrow ++++
" Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth. +++ " A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? How much his wife has begun to resemble Morly Safer. +++ " How can you tell soap operas are fictional? Their target audience is women. +++ " What should you give a man who has everything? A mute nymphomaniac 18 year old girlfriend. +++ " Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? Penis envy. +++ " Why do women have mid-life crises? Because Phil and Oprah say they're supposed to. +++ " How does a woman show she's planning for the future? Plastic Surgery. +++ " What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? Sex, stupidity. +++ " What do you do with a 40 year old woman who thinks she's God's gift? Trade her in for two 20 year olds. +++ " Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare. +++ " What's the difference between a wife and a job. After 5 years, the job still sucks. +++ " Why is sleeping with a woman like a soap opera? Cause it's the same tired old plot, year in and year out. +++ " Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have. +++ " What is the thinnest book in the world? Biographies of Happy women. +++ " What's the difference between men and government bonds? None, they're both the same, steadily increasing in value, predictable and vastly undervalued by people who don't understand them. ++++ The Reasons Why It's Great to be a Guy: Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. Movie nudity is virtually always female. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. The bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go. You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. The garage is all yours. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. The National College Cheer leading Championship. You don't have to shave below your neck. If you're 34 and single nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. Flowers fix everything. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Three pair of shoes is more than enough. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. Auto mechanics tell you the truth. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me." You get to jump up and slap stuff. One mood, all the time. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. You don't mooch off others' desserts. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. The remote is yours and yours alone. ESPN's Sports Center. Bachelor parties rule over bridal showers. You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life long buddies. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?" Baywatch. There is always a game on somewhere. +++++++ One of my wife's friends is a lesbian. One day we got to talking and I asked her did she ever wonder what it would be like to have children.
sexual orientation, that she might never be a mother.
ever wanted to be impregnated I'd be happy to help out, purely altruistically. She shot me a death ray look, and told me with a curling lip that if she ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination. I'll tell you I love you." ++++++++++++++++= "PMS Advice" A woman is driving down a road. A man is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells "PIG!!" The woman immediately leans out her window and yells "BASTARD!!" They each continue on their way, and as the woman rounds the next curve she
crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road. Top ten things men know about women 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. They have boobs
Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start. We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like Cumin or Tofu. For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which feminine hygiene product is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--- how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm Thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, one more beer and I really have to go, and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 2000's, I will Share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest. +++++++++++++++++++++++ Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew
Don't ask us. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down. Don't cut your hair. Ever... Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Don't ask what he's thinking unless you're prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, shotgun formation, and monster trucks. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides, let it be. Shopping is not a sport. Anything you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. Don't fake it. He'd rather be ineffective Anything he said last week is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. Telling him the girls in men's magazines are airbrushed makes him want to buy
an airbrush. When you dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, he'll act like the guys on your soaps. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. Get rid of your cat. And, no, it's not different, it's just like any other cat. Dogs are better than any cats. Period. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Does it really make sense to clean when stuff just gets dirty again. Even if you're the most beautiful woman in the world, there will be times he pretends you're someone else. If you keep asking for flowers, it can never be a If he ever sees you kiss another girl and you appear to enjoy it, he'll remember that moment until he's been dead for 1,000 years. The best things in life may be free, but chances are they also have something to do with sex. ++++++++++++++++++++++
The Relationship with your Wife/Girlfriend Is Over When ... - You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show. - She starts every sentence with the words ... - Your mail comes addressed to "Current Resident." - The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit. - Her mother looks at you and starts laughing. - You are urged to stir your coffee "very well," before drinking
it. - Your favorite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet. - People are already referring to her as the "widow." - Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads ..."Joe's Place." A group of girlfriends is on vacation when "Because we live in the modern age, women now have choices POLITICALLY CORRECT GUIDE TO THE LADIES Things never to say when arguing with a woman Three women are stranded on an island. One woman tripped over something. She looks down and sees a lamp. The girls rub the lamp and to their astonishment, a Genie pops out. "I will grant you 3 wishes, but since there of three of you, you will each get one wish." The first girl says, "I want to be strong enough to swim to shore." The Genie snapped his fingers, and the girl set out. Not 15 feet off the island, a shark came and ate her. The second girl says, "I want to be skilled enough to create something that will get me off the island." With that, the Genie snapped his fingers, giving the girl some logs and string, and she made a raft and set out. When she was 15 feet off shore, the tide grew strong, and the raft capsized, killing her. The third girl thought long and hard, when finally she came up with her wish. "I wish to be smart enough to find a way off the island." The Genie snapped his fingers, and she turned into a man and took the bridge. ++++++++++
PLEASE READ AND HEED THIS IT'S IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO TO CLUBS OR BARS AND DRINK. Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. And girlfriends, take heed. There is a new drug called beer that is essentially in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that beer is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Most men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks! ************************* "HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN..." Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Support her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Listen to her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Romance her, Believe in her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go to the end of the earth and back again for her. "HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN..." Show up naked. Bring food. Bring beer. ****************
Bashing both sexes: 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 min. ++++ Sexual Harassment $3.99 a minute. ++++ The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up. The sex is the same, but you get the remote. ++++ Marriage ++++ None, they just sit there in the dark and complain. ++++ Through his chest with a sharp knife. ++++ If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life. ++++ sensitive, caring and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. ++++ A padded headboard. ++++ "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable" ++++ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. ++++ of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ++++ A golden retriever. ++++ The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts. The woman who ate the last donut. ++++ A battery has a positive side. ++++ grade. Who has the biggest breasts? The blonde, because she's 18. ++++ When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went. ++++ Two mothers-in-law.
Joe and Moe were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak. While standing at the urinal Joe confessed, "I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his."
"But you're holding yours with four fingers." "but I'm peeing on three of them." genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?" "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left." "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women." "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!" ++++++++++
Male wish List: 1.Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it. it would only occur in leap years. get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. same. But it would be celebrated every month. 7.Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle". 10.Tanks would be far easier to rent. you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: cards per year. conversation. you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!". during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. as an acceptable response to "I love you". an acceptable excuse for tardiness. you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. again?" cards. Before the Gulf War Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said, "what enabled women to achieve such respect?" The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines." ~~~~~~~~~~ Following on from the extremely popular Training Courses for Women, comes this new program from the same people.... Training Courses Now Available for Men: => 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop => 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge => 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral => 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead => 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference! => 6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away => 7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back => 8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore! => 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In => 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In => 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink => 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! => 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper! => 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill => 15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts => 16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves => 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! => 18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means => 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's => 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category => 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote => 22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh => 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet => 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed => 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It! => 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty => 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them => 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime => 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It +++++++++ A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said... "Paint my house!" +++++++++++++++++++++++ Nine Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions. ...But Never Will 1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex. 2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that f**king ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat. 3. You've got no chance of me calling you. 4. No, I won't be gentle. 5. Of course you have to swallow. 6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time. 7. I hate your friends. 8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight. 9. I'd rather watch a porno. ++++++ Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a. Present it to the president of the United States. b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations. c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youth do you miss the most? a. Innocence. b. Idealism. c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: a. A cat. b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy--you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. How do you tell her? a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. c. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" b. "They're in school already?" c. "There are three of them?"
8. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested. b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. c. He refused to ask directions.
9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? a. Democracy. b. Religion. c. Remote control.
------------------------------------------------------------ Some pick up lines for daily use. * Are you as good as your mother? * Would you like to see my circumcision scar? * I have a two minute recovery time. * Didn't I do your sister? * Are you as good as your mother? * Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see my-self in your pants. * F**k me if I am wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen? * Yo. You'll do. * Do you have a boyfriend? Well when you want a MAN-friend, come and talk to me! * Is there a Rainbow, because you're the treasure I've been searching for. * What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine? * My place.....Eight o'clock......bring a friend. * Why don't we go back to my place and do the things I'm going to tell people we did anyway? * [Look at her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. * I love every bone in your body - especially mine. * Do you want to see something swell? * If I followed you home, would you keep me? * Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!? * Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart. * So....How am I doin'? * A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?" * What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply. * Beauty is only a light switch away... * Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.
Politically Correct Terms: She is not a BABE or a CHICK. She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. ++++ She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER. She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. ++++ She is not EASY. She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. ++++ She does not TEASE or FLIRT. She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. ++++ She has not BEEN AROUND. She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. ++++ She does not GET YOU EXCITED. She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. ++++ She is not KINKY. She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER. ++++ She does not have a KILLER BODY. She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. ++++ She is not an AIRHEAD. She is REALITY IMPAIRED. ++++ She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY. She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. ++++ She is not HORNY. She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. ++++ She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS. She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. ++++ She does not NAG YOU. She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. ++++ She is not a SLUT. She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. ++++ She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS. She is PICTORIALLY SUPERIOR. ++++ She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE. She is a LOW COST PROVIDER. +++++++ A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the After a few minutes the woman's monitor shows a flatline... no pulse...no heart rate.The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there,
pulling ++++++
Examination Paper. SEXISM STUDIES Time allowed 3 hrs. Attempt all questions. If you do not know the answer to a particular question attempt to look at someone else's paper by knocking your biro onto the floor and having a shifty while you lean over to retrieve it. You are allowed one visit to the toilet to look at the answers you wrote on the wall yesterday. After ten minutes, request more paper to frighten the other candidates into thinking that you must have worked your arse off. Attempt to introduce the one or two facts you are reasonably sure of into the answers to every question. At 4.30 exactly, everybody cough to make the invigilator jump. With three minutes to go, suddenly realise there are 4 more questions on the back of the page that you haven't spotted. Section A (50%) 1. Explain why the best women's football team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your answer: a) Why they are unable to kick a ball straight b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the bath after the match, though. 2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs. Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for recreational purposes. 3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians. 4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at your mates house while his parents were away for the weekend. a) Sex Boat b) Three Into One Will Go c) King Dong d) Speared by Zulu Lovers 5. Women drivers, eh? Discuss.
Section B (50%) 1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What apparatus would you require? What risks would you run in lighting a fart and what are the benefits? Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a pub with a match. 2. Name something a woman has invented. 3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor granddad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired. 4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini Diablo and the Ferrari Testarossa without ever having seen, let alone driven, either. 5. Discuss the philosophical implications of this statement; "If a man speaks in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?" ++++++
Why us men are so (understandably) proud of ourselves: => We know stuff about tanks => A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase => We can open all our own jars => We don't have to learn to spell a new last name => We can leave a motel bed unmade => We can kill our own food => We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness => Wedding plans take care of themselves => If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend => Our Underwear is $10 a three-pack => If you are 34 and single nobody notices => Three pair of shoes are more than enough => We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming => Car mechanics tell us the truth => We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me." => Same work - more pay => Grey hair and wrinkles only add character => My pals will never trap me with: "So, notice anything different?" => We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes => The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades => We don't have to shave below the neck => Our belly usually hides our big hips => We can do our nails with a pocket-knife => We have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache => Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas in 45 minutes ++++++ A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad." ++++ Top ten things men know about women 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. They have boobs
+++++++ R-Rated Men Sexist Humor: FUNNY CONDOM SLOGANS Cover your stump before you hump! Before you attack her, wrap your whacker! Don't be silly, protect your willy! When in doubt, shroud your spout! Don't be a loner, cover your boner! You can't go wrong if you shield your schlong! If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it! If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey! If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize! It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter! She won't get sick if you wrap your dick! If you go in heat, package your meat! While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis! When you take off her pants and blouse, zip up your trouser mouse! Especially in December, gift wrap your member! Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker! Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool! The right selection will protect your erection! Wrap it in foil before you boil! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
|
|
|
Home Humor Pay to The Mall Free Stuff Business Opportunities
Send mail to biggestg@riches2surf.com with questions or comments about this web site. Copyright © 2010 Riches2Surf Last modified: May 20, 2010 |
