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Sexist Jokes for Women
Random Thoughts from a Woman 1) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 2) Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. 3) One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS. 4) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. 5) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. 6) The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. 7) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. 8) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. 9) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. 10) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. 11) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes! 12) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. 13) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. 14) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die." 15) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.) 16) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. 17) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. 18) If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
This morning on the Freeway I looked over to
my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadilac doing 65 mph with her face
up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. The Reasons Why It's Great to be a Girl: Free dinners. You can cry without pretending there's something in your contact. Speeding ticket? What's that? You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt, watching sports. If you're a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being. A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life. In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned. If you have to be home in time for Ally McBeal, you can say so, out loud. If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling. If you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup. If you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser. You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower. Brad Pitt. You don't have to fart to amuse yourself. You’ll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clippers. When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out. If the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't have to break up with him. If you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with him If you don't shave, no one will know. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute. You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. You can dress yourself. Your hair is yours to keep. If you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really chic. You don't have to pretend to like cigars. You’ll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you know you look like an idiot. You’re rarely compelled to scream at the TV. You and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share your feelings. If you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty. Sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need. Your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in your teeth. When you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing. Sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems. If you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it. You’ll never regret piercing your ears. You can fully assess someone just by looking at his or her shoes. You’ll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra. You don't have hair on your back. If anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get implants. You can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark. If you have big ears, no one has to know. You can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny. You can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on Jerry Springer. ++++++++++
The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named... .MR. POTATO HEAD. He's tan. He's cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face. +++++++++++ Recent Poll In a recent on-line poll, 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that, in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning. ++++++++++++ Once upon a time, in a land far away, A beautiful, independent, self-assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady I was once a handsome Prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. That night, on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine, and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, I don't think so.... +++++++++ Ladies: Need help Gift Shopping for the man in your life? Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems. Rule 1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule 2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why. Rule 3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule 4: Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. Rule 5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Rule 6: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. Rule 7: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why. Rule 8: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?" Rule 9: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why. Rule 10: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker. ++++++++
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever witches. Don't mess with them ++++++++++++ What a woman says: Mental Anxiety Mental Breakdown Menstrual Cramps Menopause Did you ever notice that all of our problems begin with men??? +++++ How to drive men crazy....
--------- "What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)" +++ "What I Want in a Man, Revised List" (age 42) "What I Want in a Man, Revised List" (age 52) "What I Want in a Man, Revised List" (age 62) "What I Want in a Man, Revised List" (age 72) +++++++
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and Why don't women blink during foreplay?
This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. A must read!
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself
as a 31 year old aerobics instructor and model for Monday: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Was a little late from having to stop twice to pee. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he
gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put
me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too. Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth
exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me
that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was
not looking, I ran and hid in the ladies' room. He sent Gretchen to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the rowing machine-which I sank. I hate that bastard Bruce. Skinny, anemic little cheerleader
wannabe. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't
hand me the f#%*~ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the
machine with my heating pad. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the CREEP) will choose a gift for me that is fun- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. +++++++
"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless." "Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter." "It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?" "It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works." "I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead." "We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, " REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?" "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again." "You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake." "It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women." "You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses," REALLY MEANS, "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong." "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." "I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket." "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing," REALLY MEANS, "I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?" "She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee." "I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving." "I brought you a present," REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game." "I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper." "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again." "This relationship is getting too serious," REALLY MEANS, "I like you as much as I like my truck." "We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up." "I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help." ++++++++
MOODS OF A WOMAN An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, a woman is a bundle of contradiction, she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house. she'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse she'll break open his head and then be his nurse but when he's well and can get out of bed she'll pick up the tea-pot and aim for his head. beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind, crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind she'll call him a king, then make him a clown, raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down. she'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man, or make him her lackey to carry her fan. she'll run away from him and never come back but if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, she'll win you in range, enchant you in silk, she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. MOODS OF A MAN Horny. ******** WHAT ARE MEN REALLY LIKE?
FEMALE COMEBACKS This bloke walks up to a girl in his office, stands really close to her, draws in a large breath of air and then tells her that her hair smells nice. This happens every day for a week until the girl can't him what's happening. She ends by saying that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the bloke.
threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?" Bashing both sexes: ********
MEN ARE LIKE ..................... you'll get or how long he will last. THE WOMAN'S VIEW: In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory Christmas trees are better than men because...
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----------------------- -=- How to Shower Like a Man -=-
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Grand Cherokee) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.) >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling. >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either. +++++++ A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on Do you know what would have happened if it had been It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside, and bestowed on him 20 years of a normal sex life. man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the monkey. "Ten is plenty." Man spoke up and said: "May I have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed. The Lord called the lion, and also gave him 20 years. The lion too, wanted only 10. Again, Man spoke up. "May I have the other 10 years?" "Of course," said the lion. Then, came the donkey, who was given 20 years. Like the others, 10 years was enough for him. Man again asked to the spare 10 years, and got them. This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it and 10 years of making a jackass out of himself. ++++++++++++ Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy. ++++ Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung? A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. ++++ Q: How do men define a "50/50" relationship? A: We cook -- they eat; we clean -- they dirty; we iron -- they wrinkle. ++++ Q: How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? A: All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs. ++++ Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. ++++ Q: What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? A: Any place without a drive-up window. ++++ Q: What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? A: Big Foot's been spotted several times. ++++ Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. +++++++ T-Shirt Slogans: => So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me. => I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy. => God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends. => If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going. => My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips. => (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah! => I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now. => What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About? => I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian. => Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich. => Gravity... It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's The Law. => If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen. => In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's The Risk You Take. => First Things First, But Not Necessarily In That Order. +++++++++++++++++++ The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions +++++++++++++++++++++ HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE
POLITICALLY CORRECT! How dogs and men are the same: +++++++++++++++ HOW TO GET A MAN TO TALK TO YOU… To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and
Boys names explained…. Aaron - ugly but has the best yumuka. Adam - cute, funny and needs a bath. Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons. Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women. Alec - philosophical ladies man. Alex - cute and short but very open to corruption. Alfie - prefers football to his girlfriend. Andy - boring and has a pencil dick. Andrew - gay and still has a pencil dick. Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain. Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of weed. Arnold - loser. Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate. Barry - lights fires and pinches girls bottoms. Ben - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games. Bernard - dope head and slap happy. Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands. Brad - thinks everyone likes him...but they don't. Brandon - good looking but uses girls. Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time. Brett - world wide slut and really insensitive, women love him. Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, no he's not the Messiah he's just a naughty boy. Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell. Bronson - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name. Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce. Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week. Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini. Cam - witty, loves women who prefer anal sex. Cameron - thinks he's funny...he's not, falls asleep during sex. Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive. Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies no real person has that name. Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too. Christian - very sexy and seductive (think 'Legends of the Fall'). Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'. Clayton - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial. Cole - nice, funny, and fun to be around. Con - lies to women and blows up public buildings. Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines. Craig - tries to fit in - he never does. Cyril - well, Cyril. Dale - Charming , but sleeps with men. Damien - shifty bastard. Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way. Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics. Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid. Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice. David - hottie and works out a lot, loves girls named Flo. Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, good in bed, stylish, trendsetter - i.e. a wanker. Dean - full of himself and thinks with his dick. Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot. Derek - has a great mummy, and blow-up doll collection. Dick - loves to slap girls with his .... Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please. Don - dickhead. Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and warts. Drew - bad-arse losers who never shuts up. Dylan - horny bastard, who can't sing. Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name. Dwight - plays dungeons and dragons. Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get 'cos he's an arsehole. Eric - shy - likes two girls at once. Erik - funny and treats girls how he wants to be treated. Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient. Frank - "different" - missing DNA - favors girls named Lucy. Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight. Gary - drug addict but willing to share. Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men. Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace. George - barman who drinks more than he serves. Glen - the sweetest guy - really down to earth Graham - very hard to understand, likes group sex. Grant - HORNY! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything. Greg - really sweet and feels sorry for himself. Hayden - tries hard. Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography (doesn't everybody!). Ian - really popular but thinks all the girls want him. Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk. James - legendary farter. Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well. Jeff - really ugly. Jerome - gay, but very unhappy. Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is. Jermaine - ugly and makes girls puke. Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on. James - sweet, kind and always laughing. Jack - stupid but hot. Jimmy - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection. Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head. John - has no friends or life - tends to kill small animals. Jonathon - think he's good - he's shit. Jordan - sexy but weird in bed. Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites. Josh - full of himself, fun. Junior - hottie and totally good at football. Justin - aggravating but lovable, insecure but successful. Kane - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up. Kevin - can never get a girlfriend. Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse. Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be. Kim - very understanding and caring, feels lost in Korea. Kurt - can kick anyone's arse. Ky - see Kane. Kyle - hornbag who eats too many corn chips. Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse. Laurie - short and funny looking. Leigh - girl dressed up as boy. Liam - loud mouthed arsehole, normally found in rock bands and pubs. Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold. Louie - unconventional, wise and annoying. Luke - dud. Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers. Mark - wished girls liked him for who he is not his great looks, mouthy bastard though. Matt - the Fat Boy of the class, likes sweets and is full of shit. Mick - compelling bullshit artist. Mike - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl, which is totally sweet. Mitchell - the ugliest dog and he don't get any. Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel like he's there. Nick - HORNY! but really nice - can't get past the missionary position though. Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed. Nishi - sexy, unbelievably brilliant mind. musically talented and physically blessed. Oliver - likes men but is in denial. Oscar - loser, a good name for a dog. Owen - cute guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs. Patrick - drunk, drunk, drunk. Paul - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in gays. Peter - cutie but very shy, makes all the women feel like virgins. Phillip - stupid idiot who wishes he were cool. Reagan - kook. Rhys - had his mind stolen by aliens a long, long time ago. Ricky - ugly shithead who everybody hates. Rikki - see above. Richard - cant stop wanking and has more wet dreams than anybody. Rob - tall and ugly...everybody hates him. Rodney - as wide as he is tall, as intelligent as he is unique. Ron - dresses like NFL footballer and likes to prance. Ross - total loser and computer genius. Rupert - arrogant twat who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud. Russell - likes to play in the leaves which makes him an arsehole. Ryan - short but sexy body and even sexier mind. Sam - wannabe sex machine. Sammy - smooth bastard. Scott - has serious disabilities. Sean - has small testicles and no friends. Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor. Simon - quiet and simple, talks bollocks. Shane - thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin. Shannon - the most determined and persevering sweetie in the world. Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him. Steve - popular and funny when looked at side-on. Stuart - droll guy with great arse and suicidal tendencies. Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is. Toby - bastard. Tom - cool but can be arrogant. Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around. Travis - fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found. Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy. Troy - cute and popular. Taylor - gay. Vito - mastermind of corruption. Warren - cool, homosexual guy. Wesley - great guy and easy to tolerate. Will - wishes he were popular. Zach - sweet and polite and adorable. Zahid - devious and sly. Not to be trusted. *********** Womanly Truisms Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets. ++++ Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. ++++ Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them. ++++ One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds. ++++ I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart. ++++ The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ++++ Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. ++++ Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. ++++ Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. ++++ Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. ++++ If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. ++++ You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. ++++ I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept Rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. ++++ Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes. ++++ It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips. ++++ Age is important only if you're cheese or wine. ++++ The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. ++++ Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. ++++ Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
" Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time. +++ " A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children. +++ " How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. +++ " What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. +++ " Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. +++ " Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence. +++ " How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. +++ " How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs. +++ " How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk. +++ " What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. +++ " What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him. +++ " Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites attract. +++ " Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time. +++ " What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. +++ " Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time. +++ " Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. +++ " What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women ++++ R-rated Sexist Humor for Women follows. Last warning!
Rated R: Seminars For Men (Given by Females) Seminars For Men (Given by Females) 1. Combating Stupidity 2. You, too, can do housework 3. PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut 4. How to fill an ice tray 5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas --- Give us money 6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00a.m. 7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks") 8. Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception 9. Get a life -- learn to cook 10. How not to act like an asshole when you're obviously wrong 11. Spelling -- Even you can get it right 12. Understanding your financial incompetence 13. You -- The Weaker Sex 14. Reasons to give flowers 15. How to stay awake after sex 16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom 17. Garbage -- Getting it to the curb 18. You can fall asleep without "it" if you really try 19. The morning dilemma if "it's" awake -- Take a shower 20. I'll wear it if I damn well please 21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly, "No, it's not a bidet") 22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms 23. Give me a break! -- Why we know your excuses are bullshit 24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost 25. The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency 26. Romanticism -- Ideas other than sex 27. Helpful hints for couch potatoes 28. Mother-in-laws -- They are people, too 29. Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home 30. You, too, can be a designated driver 31. Seeing the true you (formerly, "No, you don't look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked!") 32. Changing your underwear -- It really works 33. The Attainable Goal -- Omitting "tits" from your vocabulary 34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is NOT necessary 35. Techniques for calling home <><><><><>
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite. "The woman says, "A hermaphrodite...what's that???" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...uh... features...of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my Heavens! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?" ++++++++++ "30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN"
Battle of the sexes - The female perspective ·
How is a man like a snowstorm? ·
Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? ·
Why are men like laxatives? ·
Why do men name their penises? ·
Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and
good looking? ·
Did you hear about the man who won a gold medal at the Olympics? ·
Why do men like masturbation? ·
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? ·
How many men does it take to pop popcorn? ·
What is a man's view of safe sex? ·
How do men sort their laundry? ·
Why did God create man? ·
Why were men given larger brains than dogs? ·
Husband: "Want a quickie?" ·
Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put
in it." +++++ More things you will never hear a man say.
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