|
Southern
United States Humor
 
Also visit:
Redneck Humor You May Be a Redneck If...
The difference between the 'North' and the 'South' - at last, clearly
explained....
The North has Bloomingdale's; the South has Dollar General.
The North has Coffee Houses; the South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services; the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45 's
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits.
The North has salad greens; the South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters; the South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.
North is a direction; South is a way of life.
++++
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .
In the South --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try
to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store... Do not
buy food at this store!!!
Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is
plural possessive
Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use
it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't
understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big 'ol' boy. Most
Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in
denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay
out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It
doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they
are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim...
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to
pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we
will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven,
we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits. ++++
+++
The 2010 Federal Census For
Tennessee
Last name:
________________
First name:
(Check appropriate box)
(_)
Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
What does
everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________
Age: ____
(if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M
_____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size:
____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher
Spouse’s
Name:_________________________
2nd
Spouse’s Name:______________________
3rd
Spouse’s Name:______________________
Lover’s
Name:___________________________
Relationship
with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of
children living in household: _____
Number of
children living in shed: ______
Number of
children living in 'single-wide' trailer in front yard______
Number that
are yours: ______
Mother’s
Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father’s
Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1
2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)
own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Total number
of vehicles you own: ___
Number of
vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of
vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of
vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of
vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you
own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and
year of your pickup: 196_
Do you have
a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_)
No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines
you subscribe to:
(_) The
National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
Number of
times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of
times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of
times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
How often do
you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable
Color of
eyes:
Left______
Right_____
Color
of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol
Color of
teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A
Brand of
chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is
your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?
++++
Dear Blue States:
Well, imagine our relief that you’ve decided to secede and form some sort of
bathing-optional commune headquartered in
California
. The money we'll save in
aspirin, now that we won’t have headaches from listening to your interminable
whining, will be worth it to us alone.
We'll finally be rid of you lazy, moping, latte-sucking Streisand fans now that
you're actually going to follow through--for once--on your promise to finally
get off your butts and leave, as so many of you claimed you would every election
cycle and then chickened out of actually doing. (Yeah, we’re looking at you,
Alec Baldwin.)
But not so fast. You don’t get to take all the Blue States with you--just the
Blue parts.
We hate to break it to you, but your Blue States aren’t actually
"blue." Mostly, they’re states full of Red counties with pockets of
Blue urban blight in them, who vote Democratic in such numbers that if the same
results came out of a Third World country—which, come to think of it, many of
the "Blue" counties pretty much are—we’d think it was fraud and
send some election observers from the UN.
Even
California
is pretty much a
Red
State
: Bush won 35 out of 58
counties, while Kerry won LA and
San Francisco
. You want 'em? we certainly
won’t fight you for them but you're going to have to found New California
without 35 of your most beautiful counties and your second-largest city. Sorry
about that.
Nationally, Bush won over 2.5 million square miles of
U.S.
counties (and an extra three
and a half million votes, but we won't rub that in.) Kerry won less than 600,000
square miles--meaning that in most states he was popular downtown and pretty
much nowhere else. In other words, your guy won the places that people like him
would get shot if he walked through them at night. Our guy won every place else.
So, the bottom line is that you don't get the Blue States. Those states have
lots of towns and counties that would rather blow their dams and flood
themselves out of existence rather than go with you. No, instead, you get the
Blue Cities.
But wait…we really feel we owe you full disclosure on this exchange. This
might come as an unpleasant surprise, but you don’t actually get the lower
divorce and single-motherhood rates and all that other good stuff you think
you're going to snag. Those are the conditions that are actually found out in
the Red counties—not in the Blue cities, and you can't have them.
Instead you get the urban single moms, not the soccer moms; the drug addicts,
not the doctors; the waiters, not the chefs. You get the fine service you've
come to expect from the brutal and corrupt inner-city police departments. You
get the abysmal literacy rates and schools that are more dangerous than most
prisons. All in all, you get to take with you a public sector in most cities so
unmanageable they make Mogadishu seem like a tidily run little municipality by
comparison.
You get the labor union shakedown artists, "teachers" who can’t pass
tests in their own subject, and city government leaders for whom graft, racial
spoils systems, and outright theft are a way of life. They’re all very
enthusiastic Blue voters, as you know, and we’re sure they’ll stampede their
way to New California to start draining your wallets, wrecking your schools, and
in general making a mess of your lives.
(And don't come complaining back to us when socialist central planning does for
New California what it did for garden spots like
East Berlin
and
Pyongyang
. We're putting a strict visa
system into place once you all go.)
We, on the other hand, get those Red city suburbs and rural districts. You know,
the ones with the good schools, the high property values, the quiet streets and
the sheriffs and cops who don’t need to walk around armored up like they’re
about to storm the Sunni Triangle.
Oh and don’t concern yourself with our agricultural capacity after all, they
don't call it "the breadbasket" for nothin'. We’ll keep right on
producing the vast majority of wheat, corn, oats, rye, potatoes, soybeans, beef,
chicken and pork.
We’ve always preferred a nice, unpretentious, frosty mug of brew anyway and
hey, maybe you can make a salad with those pineapples, stem cells, and lettuce.
And don't even think about keeping the National Parks, the wide open spaces, all
those water resources, and all the rest of
America
's natural splendor, since
those are all pretty much located in Red counties.
Hell, we even get most of
Oregon
and
Washington
...ain’t it ironic? You
get the urban liberals in
Portland
and
Seattle
and their friends in
important social organizations (like, say, drug-running street gangs) and we get
the rest of the Northwest.
Ok by us; we’d be fools not to take you up on it.
Here’s how it will work; all of you Blue whiners, please feel free to look at
a map of the electoral results county by county in each state, and take the
people with you who’ve made it clear they’d like to go.
That means you get places like downtown
Pittsburgh
and
Philadelphia
, and we get to keep the rest
of beautiful
Pennsylvania
, thanks.
You get to administer bloated public services to the violent, drug-addled,
gunslinging populations of delightful inner-city sinkholes of poverty and
corruption such as Miami, St. Louis,Atlanta and the ever-popular District of
Columbia--which has been governed by liberals (and the occasional crackhead) for
so long and so incompetently that any semblance of order has broken down (beyond
the carefully guarded borders of your Georgetown bistros, natch) to the point
where even the mayor once asked the President to have the city patrolled by
National Guardsmen.
Lucky you, it's all yours--enjoy it in good health, and don’t forget to wear
your Kevlar...Blue "voters" up there in Northeast DC tend to be jumpy
on the ol' trigger finger.
In fact, all around our great nation, you get to keep all the Blue voters
who’ve made urban war zones like downtown Detroit--a Blue bastion, of
course--the proud showplaces they are today.
We get the rest of Blue states like
Michigan
and
Wisconsin
and
Illinois
and...well, frankly, just
about every state in the Union with the exception of Hawaii and New England--and
even there, we’ll just hang on to a couple of chunks of New Hampshire and
Connecticut.
You’re especially more than welcome to Rhode Island, which will immediately
set up some sort of money-laundering scheme and bilk the rest of you once it has
been incorporated into whatever sort of muddle-headed utopia you’re trying to
create.
The former mayor of Providence should be out of Federal prison in time to join
your Politburo and help you get things set up--for a small consulting fee, of
course
If you would please, take another look at the list
of best beaches
and notice what color states they are in. We'll miss the Hawaiian beaches, but
since long stretches of coastline from
New Jersey
down to
Florida
and yes, even in
Southern California
(including
San Diego
, thanks) are actually in Red
counties, we'll be fine.
Sure, we get the rednecks and holy rollers. But since you're apparently willing
to trade them for the gangs and psychopaths terrorizing your Blue cities, what
can we say? You want the Crips and the Bloods in low riders raking your streets
with automatic gunfire, and you're offering us Bubba heading off to church in
his pickup?
Hey, a deal's a deal. Done.
True, you also get
Manhattan
, but darn the luck, you have
to take the rest of the city, including the
Bronx
,
Queens
, and
Brooklyn
too, as well as
Long Island
, which is enough to almost
make us feel sorry for you all out there in New California. (Almost.)
For our part, we’ll take most of the rest of gorgeous
New York
State
, although you get the scam
artists who infest the legislature in
Albany
.
And since for some unfathomable reason you actually want Elliot Spitzer, we’ll
buy his plane ticket as a gesture of goodwill.
So that’s the deal. You get the cities, with all the crime, crack mommies, and
corruption you can stand.
And sure, you get many of the elite colleges too, with the professors who think
that terrorists in Fallujah are freedom fighters and that the people who worked
in the
Twin
Towers
on 9/11 were no better than
Nazis—forgive us for not lamenting over this loss.
We get the suburbs, the countryside, and all the other beautiful places that
remain unspoiled by liberal hypocrisy and addle-brained social experimentation.
And we'd like a favor, too: please keep your sky-high tax and crime rates, since
we're happy to have the corporations and jobs that continue to flee your Blue
cities into our Red counties. It's much appreciated, since our unemployment
rates, to say nothing of our crime, single-parenting, and illiteracy rates, are
far lower than yours.
Oh, and one last thing. We get the
U.S.
military, too. Did we
mention that part? (You may have forgotten that they're volunteers, and most are
happy Red state voters.)
Not to worry, though, since we’re sure that Islamic fundamentalist terrorists
will be more than happy to reach an accommodation with a society that embraces
radical feminism, gay marriage, gun control, hostility to organized religion of
any kind, and Salman Rushdie. Good luck with that.
But one day when some misogynist Saudi freak--who no doubt will sneak into your
country by strolling over the northern border after a few years sucking on the
Canadian welfare system you all admire so much--blows up a couple kilos of
plutonium on Sunset Boulevard, go send Sean Penn to ask the French for help.
We’ll be busy that day.
Sincerely,
The Red States
PS: You can keep the marijuana. You're going to need it, since selling it is one
of the last stable industries left in Blue counties.
+++++
One
morning three
Alabama
good old
boys and three Yankees were in a ticket line at the
Birmingham
train
station heading to
Atlanta
for a big
football game. The three Northerners e ach bought a ticket and watched as the
three Southerners bought just one ticket between them.
'How
are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the
Yankees. 'Watch and learn,' answered one of the boys from the South.
When
the six travelers boarded the train, the three Yankees sat down, but the three
Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door. Shortly after
the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on
the bathroom door and said, 'Ticket, please.' The door opened just a crack and a
single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The
Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
Indeed,
so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the Return trip and save
some money.
That
evening after the game when they got to the
Atlanta
train
station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip, while to their
astonishment the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.
'How
are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked one of the perplexed Yankees.
'Watch and learn,' answered one of the Southern boys.
When
they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom
and the three Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from
it.
Shortly
after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and
walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said,
'Ticket, please.'
There's
just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war.
++++
A *social worker*
from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to
the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of
her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen
in
her life.
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she
asked.
'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the
kid.
'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'
'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is
the Outhouse!'
++++
The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, Missouri, Kentucky,
North Carolina and Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing
discovery in their states.
Apparently, a small number of al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically
involved with local redneck girls. The result is not pretty and the governors
now have the sad task of reporting the emergence of a new race: Islamabubbas.
So far, only smatterings of actual births have been reported but Pat Robertson's
Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To
date, the Coalition has identified the following offspring, loose in the nation:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Bout It
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dunthat
Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to have sprung from one
couple:
Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin
+++++++
 
Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the
Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as
the three Southerners buy just one ticket. "How are the three of you going to
travel on only one ticket?" Asks one of the Yankees.
"Watch," answers one of the men from the South.
They all board the train. The three Yankees take their respective
seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The
conductor takes it and moves on.
The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so
After the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and
save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't
buy any ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Yankee.
"Watch," answer the men from the South.
When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet
and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly
after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves their toilet and
walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding. The Southerner knocks
on their door and says, "Ticket please".
~~~~~~~~~~
 
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM ARKANSAS IF:
"Vacation" means goin' through Harrison on the way to Branson.
*
You've seen all the biggest bands...ten years after their last hit.
*
You measure distance in minutes.
*
Down South, to you, means Louisiana.
*
You know a bunch of people who have hit a deer.
*
You know a few that have also hit a coyote.
*
You have no problem spelling or pronouncin' "Ouachita" or "Possum Grape."
*
You know what "Toad Suck" and "Booger Holler" are.
*
Your school classes were canceled because of cold, heat, a tornado,
hunting, or a livestock show.
*
You've rode the school bus for an hour...each way.
*
You've ever had to switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
*
You think ethanol makes your truck run a lot better.
*
Stores don't have bags or carts...they have sacks and buggys.
*
You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals.
*
You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in
it, no matter what time of the year.
*
You end your sentences with a preposition, for example, "Where's
my coat at?".... "What's that made out of?"
*
All the festivals around the state are named after a food, bricks, or
lumber.
*
Priming was your first job...and you know what it means.
*
Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as
big as the bun and comes with cole slaw on top.
*
You say catty-wampus and tumped over.
*
You know the difference between a deer dog, a duck dog and a coon dog by the way
they bark.
*
You put security lights on your house and your garage and leave both
of them unlocked.
*
You think the four major food groups are beef, pork, chicken, beer,
beans, and Jello salad with marshmallows.
*
Pulaski County is considered a foreign or exotic place.
*
You consider being a "Beef Queen" an honor.
*
You carry jumper cables in your car.
*
You faithfully drink Pepsi, Mt. Dew, or Dr. Pepper everyday of your
life.
*
You know what a "cow drop" is.
*
You have your own secret bbq sauce.
*
You know how to snipe hunt.
*
You or your neighbors have more hunting dogs than you have family
members.
~~~~~~
 
Southern Sayins
It's so dry here, the fish are knocking on the door, askin' for a drink of
water.
He disappeared like a belch in a wind storm.
Who blew out your pilot light?
I'm so hungry I could lick the sweat off a cafeteria window!
It's so good, it'd make a freight train take a dirt road!
My stomach's full, but my mouth ain't satisfied!
Well now! Don't that just fry your tater?
That steak's so rare, a good vet could save it!
That's about as easy as nailin' Jell-O to the wall.
I'm old and ugly, but I can still pull up to the table three times a day.
You can't chew with somebody else's teeth.
When foxes pack the jury box, the chicken's always guilty!
Sexy as socks on a rooster.
Mad as a mule chewin' bumblebees.
A fartin' horse never tires.
You shut the barn door after your horse got out.
You're about as useful as a bucket under a bull!
Now that he's sowed his wild oats, he's hopin' for crop failure!
He's so bad, he'd fight a circle saw!
He's all vines, and no taters.
He'll never drown in his own sweat.
I felt like a bastard at a family reunion.
If you shake his hand, count your fingers.
If she heard that, she'd lay square eggs.
That chili's so hot, it can make a cat pass a motorcycle!
I think the butter's slipped off your biscuit.
He's as happy as a puppy waggin' two tails.
You're goin' up fool's hill on the slippery side.
Folks who get all wrapped up in themselves, sure do make small packages.
You'll never get indigestion from swallowing you own pride.
Two heads are better than one - even if one is a knothead.
If I knew I would live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.
She's so good lookin', it'd make a dog break his chain!
--------------
TIPS FOR TRAVELING IN ALABAMA!
1. "Mama'n'em" is not one person. When someone asks, "How's your Mama'n'em?"
They are referring to the whole family.
2. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
3. If you hear a "Hey, y'all- watch this", stay out of the way. These are likely
the last words he'll ever say.
4. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road,
remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and the rest learned to
drive while road hunting in the back roads. In both cases, this is the proper
speed and position for that vehicle.
5. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are
proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.
6. Shakespeare is a rod or a reel, not a writer.
7. Duct tape is not *part* of every survival kit, it *is* the kit.
8. Rasslin' is not fake. Don't dare whisper otherwise unless you want a
kind-hearted Alabamaian to fix your busted head with duct tape.
9. Grapefruit is not a substitute for biscuits and gravy.
10. Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis are good ole boys. Jeff Gordon ain't.
11. Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting coyotes and armadillos on the
Ark.
12. If you hear a turkey gobble, get out of the way. Some view that sound like
pay-off bells at a slot machine.
13. Don't be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested to be
buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it
couldn't get out of."
14. "Y'all come back now, ya here," is a temporary statement. We love Yankees to
visit, but darn (or worse) Yankees are those who decide to stay.
15. If you decide to stay in Alabama and bear children, don't think we will
accept them as Alabamaians. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we
wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
16. If you hear some use the word FIX or FIXIN', and it isn't in the sense that
they are repairing something. Example: I'm FIXIN' to go to the store.... or
"Y'all FIX me a coke in there will ya!" This is a valid part of Alabama grammar
and is taught regularly in our English classes at school.
+++++++++
Ten Things You'll Never Hear From A Southern Boy...
10. I thought Graceland was tacky.
9. Wrestling's fake.
8. Do you think my gut is too big?
7. Honey, we don't need another dog.
6. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
5. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
4. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
3. Checkmate.
2. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
1. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
+++++
Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the
other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So
where y'all from?"
The Yankee turns her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replies, "I am
from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."
Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the
Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from,
witch?"
++++++
  
Thirty years ago I visited my first cousin in Virginia. While
hanging out with his friend, the discussion turned to popular movies of the day.
When I offered my two-cents on the authenticity and social relevance of the
movie Billy Jack, one of the boys asked, in all seriousness; "Do you guys have
movie theaters down there?"
To which I replied, "Yep. We wear shoes too."
Just three years ago, my wife and I were attending a food and wine
Seminar in Aspen, Colo. We were seated with two couples from Las Vegas. One of
the Glitter Gulch gals was amused and downright rude when I described our
restaurant as a fine-dining restaurant.
"Mississippi doesn't have fine-dining restaurants!" she demanded and nudged her
companion.
I fought back the strong desire to mention that she lived in the land that
invented the 99-cent breakfast buffet.
I wanted badly to defend my state and my restaurant with a 15-minute soliloquy
and public relations rant that would surely change her mind. It was at that
precise moment that I was hit with a blinding jolt of enlightenment, and in a
moment of complete and absolute clarity it dawned on me--my South is the
best-kept secret in the country. Why would I try to win this woman over? She
might move down here.
I am always amused by Hollywood's interpretation of the South. We are still, on
occasion, depicted as a collective group of sweaty, stupid, backwards-minded and
racist rednecks. The South of movies and TV, the Hollywood South, is not my
South.
This is my South:
My South is full of honest, hard-working people.
My South is the birthplace of blues and jazz, and rock n' roll. It
Has banjo pickers and fiddle players, but it also has B. B. King, Muddy
Waters, the Allman Brothers, Emmylou Harris and Elvis.
My South is hot.
My South smells of newly mowed grass.
My South was the South of Hawaii 5-0 and kick the can.
My South was creek swimming, cane-pole fishing and bird hunting.
In my South, football is king, and the Southeastern Conference is the
kingdom.
My South is home to the most beautiful women on the planet.
In my South, soul food and country cooking are the same thing.
My South is full of fig preserves, cornbread, butter beans, fried
chicken, grits and catfish.
In my South we don't eat foie gras, caviar, and truffles.
In my South, our transistor radios introduced us to the Beatles and
The Rolling Stones at the same time they were introduced to the rest of The
country.
In my South, grandmothers cook a big lunch every Sunday.
In my South, family matters, deeply.
My South is boiled shrimp, blackberry cobbler, peach ice cream, banana pudding
and oatmeal cream pies.
In my South people put peanuts in bottles of Coca Cola and hot sauce
On almost everything.
In my South the tea is iced and almost as sweet as the women.
My South has air-conditioning.
My South is camellias, azaleas, wisteria and hydrangeas.
In my South, the only person that has to sit on the back of the bus
is the last person that got on the bus.
In my South, people still say "yes, ma'am," "no ma'am," "please" and
"thank you."
In my South, we all wear shoes....most of the time.
My South is the best-kept secret in the country --- Please continue
to keep the secret...it keeps the idiots away!
++++++++
  
When a man in Macon, Ga., came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly
grabbed the animal and throttled it with his bare hands. A reporter saw the
incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day
would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.
"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man
Saves Child by Killing Dog.'"
"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."
"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, 'Yankee
Kills Family Pet.'"
++++++++
The new high school teacher had been born and raised in the North but was now
teaching in Georgia. All of her students spoke with a very "Southern" drawl.
Because she was having difficulty understanding her students' accents, she said
to one girl, "I do wish you Southerners would speak English!"
"We do," Sarah replied.
"Well, it's not the King's English," the teacher protested.
"Sure it is," Sarah said. "Elvis was a Southerner."
*+*+*+*+*+*+
A farmer in Alabama was driving across a bridge in his pickup
truck when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge
ready to jump to his death in the river below.
The man stopped his truck, ran up to the man, and said, "Hey
fellow, why are you doing this?"
The man replied, "Well, I have nothing to live for."
The Alabama man replied, "Well, think of your wife and children!"
The jumper replied, "I have no wife or children."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, then think of your mother and
father!"
The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed on many years
back."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, think of General Robert E.
Lee!"
The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"
With that the Alabama man said, "Jump you stupid yankee, jump!"
++++++++
A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana
by his cousin.
"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight ?"
The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry
the flashlight."
+++++
A tourist driving through the Deep South passes a young boy walking
along wearing only one shoe.
The tourist stops his car and asks the boy, "Did you lose a shoe?"
"Nope," the boy replies. "Found one."
++++++
You're in the South when . . .
* You get a movie and bait in the same store.
* "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
* After a year you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
* "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
+++++++++
What True Southerners Know
Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a
conniption.
Nobody but a true Southerner knows how many fish make up a mess.
A true Southerner can show you the general direction of cattywampus.
A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is (as in, "Going to
town, be back directly").
Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for
the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the
middle of the table.
All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
True Southerners know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a
neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of
cold tater salad. (If the trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add some
hot biscuits and nanner puddin.')
True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "pert' near" and "a
right far piece."
True Southerners both know and understand the differences between a redneck,
a good ol' boy and po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn
signal is actually going to make a turn.
True Southerners know that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, verb and adverb.
++++++++++++
SOUTHERN GIRLS KNOW. . .
Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:
Drinking straight out of a can.
Not sending thank you notes.
Velvet after February.
White shoes before Easter or after Labor Day.
Southern girls know the three types of school:
Ballroom, Ballet, Charm.
Southern girls appreciate their natural assets:
Dewy skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable, Southern drawl.
Southern girls know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why no, Billy Bob!"
Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back!"
"Y'all come back now ya heer!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your mama?"
"Love your hair!"
"Why it's goood to see Ya"
"Well I haven't seen you in a month of Sunday's"
Southern girls don't sweat....they glisten.
Southern girls know their three R's:
Rich
Richer
Richest
Southern girls know their vacation spots:
The Beach
The Beach
The Beach
Southern girls know the joys of June, July, and August:
Summer tans
Wide brimmed hats
Strapless sun dresses
Thong bathing suits
Southern girls know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Sugah (like sugar but with 4 a's)
Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Gone With the Wind
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Southern girls know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
Southern girls know the seasons:
Recruiting
Spring Training
Practice
Football
Needlework
Southern girls know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
GRITS
Country ham
Mouth watering homemade biscuits
Southern girls know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler, of course
Y'all know Southern girls are quick on the drawl.
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls can teach anyone to flirt ....
Slowly lower your eyelashes
Listen carefully to everything he says.
Speak! r-e-a-l slow.
Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
Bad hair
Bad manners
Bad blind dates
++++++++++++=
R-rated Southern Humor:
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment
in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young
lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they
get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she
readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the
obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen ??? My God, girl !!! You get those clothes back
on at once at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?"
he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed
nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"
+++++
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving
a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience,
he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90
students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe
in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" Fifteen students
raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a
ghost?" Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is
astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back,
and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,
no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've
got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his
way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex
with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost? Ghost? Shit, I thought you said
goats!"
++++++++
A young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up.
"Have you ever been x-rayed?", asked the doctor.
"Nope," she replied, "but I been ultra-violated."
+++++++
A barefoot southern woman walked into her doctor’s office
and complained, "Those dang birth control pills y’all gave
me don’t work."
"What do you mean?" the physician asked. "Have you been
taking them every day like I told you?"
"Yep," the girl said defiantly. "But the dang things keep
falling out of my hoo-hoo!"
+++++++++
Also visit:
Rednecks You
May Be a Redneck If...
MidWest
West
Northeast Florida
Texas
 
Git back to dem udder jokes and
stuff
| 