|
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Tech Support and the "Help
Desk"
 
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, You have passed all the tests, except
one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.' The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the
words Yellow, Pink, and Green.' Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
++++
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
******
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note "
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet.. it's still
on my desk... Sorry...
******
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
******
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates damn it!
******
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print Every time I try, it
says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't
find it...
******
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................Thank you.
******
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
******
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
******
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
******
A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
******
Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
******
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
*******
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
IF YOU THINK YOU'RE DUMB ABOUT COMPUTERS, READ THIS, YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.
Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is
technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an
excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic
bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.
4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water
and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told
the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The
user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but
that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened."
The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and
sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what
happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power
switch?"
9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for
support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the
second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in
the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in... " The user hadn't realized
that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.
10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did
you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get
this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he
couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard.. The caller had been using
the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off
the drive.
11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows."
The
woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door But that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his
printer is working fine."
12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"
+++++ 
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant
user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need
to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system
startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the
right command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to
explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted
that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but
there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.DLL' at the end of the
CONFIG file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the
customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of Windows are you using?
Customer: Windows XP...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of Windows doesn't
include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a
patch. Let me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you
said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power
supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...
~~~~~~~~~~
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it
just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech Support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech Support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD
player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech Support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
===============
Tech Support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
=======
Tech Support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male Customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech Support: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates, damn it!
=======
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time
I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't
find it...
=======
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech Support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
=======
Tech Support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
=======
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech Support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
=======
Tech Support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
=======
Customer: I can't get on the internet.
Tech Support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
========
Tech Support: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech Support: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
========
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
========
Tech Support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?
=======
The Future of Customer Service
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."
Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on......6102049998-45-54610"
Operator: "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your
home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is
014
266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator: "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and
even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator: "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator: "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the
National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will
that cost?
Operator: "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the
limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last year"
Operator: "That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan
Sir"
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash
before your guy arrives"
Operator: "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your daily limit
on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long
is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator: "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and
collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator: "According to the details in system, you own a Scooter,
...registration number E1123..."
Customer: " *'!^ *%^**%^I7*"
Operator: "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July
1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman..."
Customer: [Speechless]
Operator: "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of
cola as advertised?"
Operator: "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also
diabetic....... "
+++++
 
New System Admin Words For 2003
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a server went
down, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
STRESS PUPPY: An admin who seems to thrive on being stressed out, whiney, and
complains about stupid users all day.
SWIPEOUT: An access card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic
device to get it to work again.
404: A completely clueless end-user.
OHNOSECOND: That fraction of time after hitting Enter, in which you
realize that you've just permanently erased a big database.
Inoculatte: Taking coffee intravenously when you are pulling an
all-nighter getting that database online from the backup tapes.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
~~~~~~~
Yeah, that'll work.....
This technician's company uses satellite communications to send and
receive messages from tugboats moving barges up and down major rivers.
Each day, by 2 p.m., the tugboats send data on the day's activities to
the company's traffic department. At least that's how it's supposed to
work.
"I got a call from our traffic department saying they only got
data from about half the boats, and would I check on it?" technician
says.
He calls the satellite company, but the technician there says
there's no problem on his end. Meanwhile, the traffic department calls
again -- they're still not getting messages from the missing boats.
"So I called the boats and got them to re-send the messages, and they came
through," says our tech. "The problem apparently cleared
itself up." But he isn't quite satisfied. "I called the satellite company back
to see what happened, and what we could do if the problem recurred."
Satellite company's technician doesn't know what happened and doesn't have any
way of finding out. "In order to track the messages, we would need an
identification number from the message," he tells our tech. We
could find out those numbers eventually, he figures. "Also, the
identification numbers are recycled every half hour," tech continues.
"So I need to get you the identification number within that time?" he asks.
"Right", says the satellite tech.
"So to summarize," says our tech glumly, "we need to give you the identification
numbers of the messages we haven't received, within half an hour of not
receiving them?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the
screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it
+++++++++
Computer Quotes:
or "Why idiots shouldn't own computers!"
Customer: "I have Microword Soft."
Customer: "Microwave Windows?"
Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?"
Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) "I ran Microwave Defrost,
but it didn't help."
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter."
Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator."
Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator."
Customer: "Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure."
Customer: "I use Outlook Explorer."
Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem."
Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard
drive."
+++++++
Tech Support
"Merlin, Inc. technical support. How can I help you?"
"Yesterday I've bought your sword..."
"Congratulations, sir, you've made the right choice!"
"It doesn't work."
"What does it mean - doesn't work?"
"It doesn't cut the dragon's head."
"Have you read the manual, sir?"
"A noble knight have not to know how to read! But my armour-
bearer has read it for me aloud twice."
"Well, sir. Have you taken the sword out of the sheath?"
"Yes."
"Is that really so? Check it again, please."
"I've done it, I say to you!"
"Okay, sir. Now check the edge sharpness."
"Ough!"
"You shouldn't do it with your finger, sir."
"What thinger? I've done it with my phongue! I always check a
sharp flavour of my dishes like that."
"You see, sir, a sword has a bit different construction than your
dinner dishes. The term 'sharp' means here..."
"I'm not obliged to know you technical terms! I'm a user, not a
hardware specialist. You'd better answer why doesn't it work!"
"Did it work before?"
"I don't know, I've bought it only yesterday!"
"Okay, sir. Have you
done anything with it?"
"No!"
"Are you sure?"
"Well, I only took it out of the sheath."
"Did you try to grind it yourself?"
"What for?"
"You know better, sir. Maybe you tried to install new spells on it?"
"No, I use the default ones, which are supplied with the sword!"
"Maybe it's the spoiling, sir? How long ago have you updated your
holy water?"
"I've downloaded the fresh version only two days ago!"
"I see, sir. Then look if there are unscreened sources of black
magic nearby. They may create hindrances for the sword."
"What sources?! I'm in the desert!"
"Don't be so nervous, sir."
"I'm not nervous!"
"Then why do you pant?"
"Because the dragon is chasing me!"
"Oh, so the dragon is near you?"
"Yes, genius, he is already QUITE near!"
"Excellent, sir! Give him the receiver."
"And what if he bites my arm off?"
"Sorry, sir, but medical issues are beyond our competence."
"Next time I'll buy a sword of Morgana, Ltd.!"
"Well... okay, sir. Describe at least how the dragon looks."
"Well, he is such... yellow... with a red moustache..."
"It's clear now. You should begin with it. It's a non-licensed dragon,
a Chinese counterfeit."
"And?"
"Read the license agreement, sir. Merlin, Inc. doesn't guarantee
any compatibility with non-certified devices."
"And what shall I do?"
"Don't use cheap no-name dragons anymore, sir."
"Looks like HE is going to use me right now! Aaagh! No!
Aaaaarrrgghhh!!!!..."
"Sir? Sir, are you okay?... Well, in any case, Merlin, Inc. thanks
you for your business."
+++++++++
 
How to Please Your IT Department
01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,
dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a
life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of
yours.
02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error
messages from here.
03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee.
That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing
for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's
keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get
into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete
it at once. We're just testing.
06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and
spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up
and flags it as a rush delivery.
08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it.
09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T.
person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the
problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have
cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply
in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you
mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to
all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know
exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
~~~~~~~~~
Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number
for Jack?".
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need
to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before
cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
+++
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover
me when I am traveling in Australia?".
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while
traveling in France): "If I register my car in France,
do I have to change the steering wheel to
the other side of the car?".
+++
Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed
Fish Bar in Cardiff, please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?".
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
+++
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:"Woven?. Are you sure?".
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland".
+++
Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please".
Operator: "Where are you calling from?".
Caller: "The living room".
+++
On another occasion, a man making heavy
breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried
operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up
the window to write the number on".
+++
Computer Capers
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
+++
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand
side of the screen, can you see the 'OK'
button displayed?".
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?".
+++
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and
I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system
clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
++++++
British Rail
Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?".
Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free".
++++++
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for
two days and can't get through to enquiries,
can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
++++++++
The Bank
Caller: "I would like to borrow £2,000 please".
Operator: "Certainly, sir. Over how long?".
Caller: "Three years, please".
Operator: "OK, sir. That will be £75 per
month for 36 months. Is that OK?".
Caller: "No, not at all. I want it all at once!"
+++++++++
Five things you don't want to hear from Tech Support:
1. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
2. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Your problem can be fixed, but you're going to need a butter
knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
4. "Press 1 for Support.
Press 2 if you're with ‘60 minutes.'
Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
5. "Hold on a second, please ... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
+++++++
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow
down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had
operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0
un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but
installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system, I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT
YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically
run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can
cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy
Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files. DO NOT install
Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not
supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also
potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2,
which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially
serious viruses into the operating system.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a
great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new
applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to
enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and
Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as Boob Job 3.6D and
that old stand-by...Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with
improved performance of his hardware).
Good Luck,
Tech Support
+++++++
A co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer pro-
blem that was preventing her from getting e-mail. After
calling the help desk, I told my colleague that e-mail was
being delayed to check for a computer virus.
"It's a variant of the I Love You virus, only worse," I said.
"What could be worse?" my single co-worker asked wryly. "The
Let's Just Be Friends virus?"
+++++++
Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install
disk, and now my A drive won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got
stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error
messages did you get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck
in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and
tried to get it out and that didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out,
but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic
stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject
button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and
used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the
disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came
out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was
broke and defective."
Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in
your A drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"
( At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned
at the other techs to listen in.)
Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you
repeat what you just said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A drive to get your crappy
disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking
out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called
the disk eject button?"
( Silence. )
Tech Support: "Sir?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I
am going to sue you for breaking my computer!"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue
our company because you put the disk in the A drive, didn't
follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek
professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to
use your computer properly, but instead proceeded to pour butter
into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"
Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we
do record every call and have it on tape?"
Customer: ( now rather humbled ) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do
for you. Have a nice day!"
+++++
 
One of my friends works in the customer service call center
of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints
regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank
caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more
interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that
he was being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he
would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back,"
he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how
he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name?" was the reply. After establishing
that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb
came on.
"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
He replied, "L-O-W C-E-L-L".
++++++
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all
field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The
author of this memo was quite serious, but the engineers
rolled on the floor:
"Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform
erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the
delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by
examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be
larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures
differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign
balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls
are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not
usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result
in sudden discharge.
"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair
of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel
of removing these necessary items."
+++++++++
Netscape Technical Support Folly
Tech: Internet Technical Support this is so-and-so speaking. May
I have your username please?
Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge
immediately!
Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you?
Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic
bookmarks your company put in my web browser!
Tech: We didn't put any pornographic bookmarks in your web
browser.
Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I'm looking at them right now!
(Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself)
Tech: Where exactly are these "bookmarks" located?
Female Customer: In Netscape!
Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be?
Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the
little down arrow!
Tech: The one right above the Net Search button?
Female Customer: Yes that one!
Tech: Miss, that's the Netscape history list. Netscape keeps the
past ten links you typed in that box. The only way to put an
address in that box is for someone to physically sit at your
computer and type in a web address.
Female Customer: Well I certainly didn't type in those X rated
web addresses!
Tech: Well somebody did. Who else has access to your computer,
and uses the Internet?
Female Customer: Just me and my husband!
(Several seconds of silence pass....Hey! I wasn't going to say
it!)
Female Customer:........oh............. OOOH! ... Thank you.
(She quickly hung up)
++++++
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the
sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
+++
Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"
+++
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
+++
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship
and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
+++++++++
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a
month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could
not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me
because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green
is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the
rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink
cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked.
I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours
of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to
us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white
paper instead of this yellow paper?"
++++++++
Dear Dr. Tech Support,
My new laser printer has no on/off switch. On such a relatively expensive
machine, why have they left off such a common and inexpensive feature?
They're just responding to some new incentives the electrical utilities
have come up with to encourage wasting energy. The more we waste, the more they
earn. It also burns up your printer faster, which makes printer manufacturers
happy. You'd think consumers would catch on and fight back, but instead, we're
all tickled that we don't have to wait for our printers to warm up. If only
automobile manufacturers could induce us all to keep our engines running all the
time, so we didn't have to worry about warming our cars up in the winter, the
oil companies and car manufacturers would be eternally grateful. Beware of all
technical innovation. The person it benefits may not be you.
+++++++
Want more jokes? Click on
the banners and visit our sponsors! They
pay the rent.
And another user was all confused about
why the cursor always moved in the opposite
direction from the movement of the mouse.
She also complained that the buttons were
difficult to depress. She was very
embarrassed when we asked her to rotate
the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
***
Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in.
I installed the software okay, and it dialed
fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear
the two computers connecting. But then the
sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone
to see if they were still connected, and I
got the message, 'No carrier,' on my screen.
What's wrong?"
***
This guy calls in to complain that he gets
an "Access Denied" message every time he
logs in. It turned out he was typing his
username and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more,
but use lower case letters.
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters
on my keyboard."
=====
Tech Support: "Sir, right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. What you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "You told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
+++++++
Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and
their customers.
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document,
but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
+++
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
+++
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
+++
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.
+++
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
+++
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
+++
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the
same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
++++++++
 
What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer
Tech Manuals?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your
floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna
crash!
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to
RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
+++++++
COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM:
1. Describe your problem:
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
4. Problem severity:
A. Minor
B. Minor
C. Minor
D. Trivial
5. Nature of the problem:
A. ___Locked Up
B. ___Frozen
C. ___Hung
D. ___Strange Smell
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __
7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __
9. Have you made it worse? Yes __
10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about computers " try to
fix it for you? Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __
12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe __ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__
No__
16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself:
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
17. What were you doing with your computer when the problem
occurred?
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in:
___________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__
No__
20. Does the clock on your VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a
VCR__
21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__
No__
23. Do you have any electronic products that DO work? Yes __
No__
24. Is there anyone else that you could blame this problem on?
Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__
No__
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __
++++++++++++++++++++
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help Line which
was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer
care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee
was fired, however, he is currently suing the Word Perfect
organization for 'termination without cause'. Read on!!!
'Ridge Hall computer assistance may i help you?'
'Yes well I'm having trouble with Word Perfect'
'What sort of trouble?'
'Well I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words
went away'
'Went away?'
'They disappeared'
'Hmmm so what does your screen look like now?'
'Nothing'
'Nothing?'
'It's blank it won't accept anything when i type'
'Are you still in Word Perfect or did you get out?'
'How do I tell?'
'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?'
'What's a sea-prompt?'
'Never mind can you move your cursor around
the screen?'
'There isn't any cursor I told you it won't accept
anything I type'
'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
'What's a monitor?'
'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like
a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when
it's on?'
'I don't know'
'Well then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes in to it. Can you see that?'
'Yes I think so'
'Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall.'
'Yes it is'
'When you were behind the monitor did you notice
that there were two cables plugged into the back of
it, not just one?'
'No'
'Well there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other cable.'
'Oh, here it
'Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer'
'I can't reach'
'Uh huh, well can you see if it is?'
'No'
'Even if you maybe put your knee on something
and lean way over?'
'Oh it's not because I don't have the right angle
it's because it's dark'
'Dark?'
'Yes the office light is off and the only light I have
is coming in from the window'
'Well turn on the office light then'
'I can't'
'No? Why not?'
'Because there's a power failure'
'A power... A power failure? Okay we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals
and packing stuff your computer came in?'
'Well yes, I keep them in the closet'
'Good, go get them and unplug your system and
pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then
take it back to the store you bought it from.'
'Really? Is it that bad?'
'Yes, I'm afraid it is'
'Well all right then, I suppose. What do i tell them?'
'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'
+++++++
 
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made
it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His
sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink
and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a
hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke
down and we all had to do our own thinking."
++++++++
Q. How many WordPerfect support technicians does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it
seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind
of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it?
Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . .
have you tried the light switch?
++++++++++++++
Program Upgrade (Longer Version)
Dear Tech Support:
Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes
to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe,
flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included
in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable
programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3,
and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs
such as PokerNight1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and
ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer
runs, and invariably crashes the system.
Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or
HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix
Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited
effectiveness.
Can you help, please!!
Sincerely,
XXX
******
Dear XXX:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it
is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade
from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend
5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However,
Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by
its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend
5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden
operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0
to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible t
o uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system,
once installed.
Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as
Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are
common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to
play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get
new applications to work, some women have tried to install
Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end
up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support."
You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes
bundled with HeartBreak 1.3.
I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks
of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0
installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire
section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is
a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the
parent company as an integral part of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults
and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great
feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering
the command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3
and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use
of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious
GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE
command before the system will return to normal operations.
Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence
2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that
causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly
wave files that are very hard to delete.
Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just
remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame
for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only
intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying
additional software to improve performance. I personally
recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1.
Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep
Husband 1.0 running smoothly.
After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar
and you will find many valuable embedded features such as
FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances,
install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application,
and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until
MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to
install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you
the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to
fully enjoy this product!
Sincerely, Tech Support
++++++
Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to
BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0 (marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and
then further upgraded FIANCE 1.0 to HUSBAND 1.0. They
found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and incompatible to
many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes
plug-ins such as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW,
and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS although market
research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary and
unwanted.
The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created
by leading experts in the field and based upon years of research
and classroom lectures, it includes the best of the old features,
such as the HANDYMAN FUNCTION, and includes many
new functions such as the OPTIONAL COMMITMENT
FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER
GUZZLING and CAT CALLING have been removed, though
they can still be found on FRATBOY 1.1
BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:
- An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY
ATTENTION FEATURE (so I don't have to repeat myself)
- MINIMIZE BUTTON
- SHUTDOWN FEATURE
- SHOPPING FUNCTION
- A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won't fall asleep after sex
- A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION
- DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users
- A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it's uninstalled it
won't come back
- A MONOGAMY FEATURE
- AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they're
about to say ANYTHING even remotely stupid
***** BUG WARNING ********
All previous versions of Boyfriend are inaccessible on
Sunday afternoons and Monday nights during the football
season. We are trying to rectify this but it seems to be a
problem inherent within the programming.
++++++++
 
If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who
don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like
they buy computers -- but imagine if they did ...
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and
nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I
have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
+++
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't
go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little guage on the front panel, with
a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle
pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor,
and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself,
or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you
tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want
a car that comes with everything built in!"
+++
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your car sucks!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the
accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a
while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the
product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest
versions that doesn't crash anymore!"
+++
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your
car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power
steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to
go places in my car!"
++++++++++
 
Warning, the remaining
Tech Support and Help Desk Humor on this page is R-Rated. Do not continue reading if
you think that you might be offended in any way. You have been warned!
Return
to Joke/Humor Index
R-rated Tech Support Humor:
FAXing Q & A:
Q: Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single
people who fax complete strangers every day.
+++
Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and
had to write memos to each other until they were twenty one. How
old do you think someone should be before they fax?
A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct
procedure.
+++
Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.
+++
Q: There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax.
Is this legal?
A: Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and
must pay a "professional" when their need to fax becomes too great.
+++
Q: Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover
should be used to insure safe faxing.
+++
Q: What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax
prematurely?
A: Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't
faxed in a long time. Just start over (most people don't mind if
you try again).
+++
Q: I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions
become mixed up?
A: Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a
cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not
supposed to.
+++
Subject: Tech support for happy bikers
Knob Polishin' 3.4 (great program... gets things on the up and up )
Bend over 5.5 (works best when used with Lingerie 4.0 or above)
Chrome Shining 7.2 (requires Topless Bikini 6.0)
Fenderbunny 8.5 (requires Short Shorts 4 and FuckMe Pumps 6 for best results)
Cold Brews 8.1 (run at regular intervals)
This is actually a suite of programs designed for wimmins-varmints
guarenteed to make yer mens=Kings quite happy.
If you are still having problems, try running Viagra 2.3 30mins before
running the above programs continuously.
+++++++
Replacement of Mouse Balls
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform
erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse
balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,
replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted
by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls
by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls
will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced
using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced
by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not
usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling
can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball
replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is
recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local
personnel in charge of removing and replacing these
necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly
working balls is an unhappy customer.
++++++++
Actual British complaint letter. The piece suggests two things:
1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service from their
ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain).
2) The Brits probably write the world's best letters of complaint.
Dear Cretins:
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I
had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you
can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these
difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and
drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending
an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.
When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your
infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling
me to look at your helpful website.
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes-- an
activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the
technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit
and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After
15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had
requested it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's
downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday
through Friday and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone
connection.
I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line and have been
unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it
seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a
telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available
(and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been
redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed);
that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand
other dissatisfied customers to ignore and also another one of those crucially
important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more
satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at
your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought British Telecom was crap; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their
customers. That's why I chose NT and because, well, there isn't anyone else is
there?
How surprised I therefore was when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly
are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum, incompetents of the
highest order. BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of
success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential
future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so
pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be
greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by
derision and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your
pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during
transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and
delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL
and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.
May you rot in Hell, Robert Stokes
++++++
I was helping someone set up his computer, and when
we came to a screen where he needed to enter
a password, his rebellious attitude kicked in.
He keyed in the word, "penis."
The program quickly replied,
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH
======
 
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