Texas

Texas Humor

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

+++

A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle. He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'Post Turtle.'"

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.

The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:

"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down."

+++++

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. He became the president of the United States."

++++

A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone.

The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.

"Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat," says one.

This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing.

"I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS." He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.

The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves.

"Well, sir," explains a Texan, "when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain't hardly nothing."

The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red. "Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let 's see what happens when I turn OFF the heat," he says as he heads to the thermostat. "I'll check on them tomorrow."

So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans' campsite, and they are all whoopin' and hollerin' and drinkin' the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin' like there is no tomorrow.

"I don't get it," the Devil says, completely defeated. "I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?"

A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, "Look around! Hell is frozen over. That's just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House."

++++

TEXAS VS CALIFORNIA

The governor of California is jogging along a trail with his dog when a coyote jumps out and starts to attack the dog. At first, the governor starts to intervene and gets bitten by the coyote. The coyote kills the dog, but the governor realizes he should stop, because the coyote is just doing what is natural. Instead he calls animal control, who captures the coyote and spends $250 state taxpayer money testing it for diseases and $500 relocating it. Meanwhile, the government calls a veterinarian, who sends a helper to collect the dead dog and spends $500 taxpayer money testing it for diseases. The governor goes to hospital and spends $3500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and getting bite wound bandaged. The running trail is shut down for 6 months while Wildlife Services conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals. The governor and the state assembly allocate $50,000 to establish a coyote awareness program for people who live in the area. The State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate it. The governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and letting the Governor try to intervene. It costs $75,000 to train new security agent. PETA protests the relocation of the coyote.

Texas:

The same thing happens in Texas. The governor spends $1.23 on a .380 ACP Gold Dot Hollow Point to dismiss the coyote. He and his dog keep jogging. It doesn't take a Nobel Prize winner in Economics to figure out why California is broke.

+++