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Top 10 Blonde Inventions:

1. The water proof towel

2. Solar powered flash light

3. Submarine screen door

4. A book on how to read

5. Inflatable dart board

6. A dictionary index

7. Ejector seat for a helicopter

8. Powdered water

9. Pedal-powered wheel chair

10. Water-proof tea bags

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Top 10 Signs That You're Suffering Burnout

10. You're so tired, that you now answer the phone, "Hell."

9. Mom calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back!"

8. When your parents inquire about your grades, you sing the Cookie Monster song: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me..."

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You've got so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

5. Just to take a break from studying, you actually exit your dormitory when the nightly fire alarm goes off.

4. You sleep more in class than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your book bag.

2. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

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Top 10 Ways To Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses

1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry (immediate results).

2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of charity lasts.

3. Answer every one of their questions with: "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.

4. Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha & Omega's" identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.

5. Excuse yourself from your living room (or wherever)... and don't come back.

6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls (bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)

7. Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.

8. Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.

9. (Males only) Feign an intense interest in their spiel. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole nine yards. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I see...) throughout, and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a # 7. If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.

10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

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Top 10 Things Only Women Understand....

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand

1. OTHER WOMEN

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Top 10 Reasons To Have Sex....

1. Scientific tests find that when women make love, they produce double amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscles in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquillizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than Valium.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restrict blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a national antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

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Top ten things you'll never hear a dad say...

10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to
stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll
be ready for car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile
attitude. I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my car. GO CRAZY!

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's
not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend.
You might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably
one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it
run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay
whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without
an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the
mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of
money for you to spend. Here's $100.

1. What do I want for Father's day? Aahh -- don't worry
about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, he might say it, but
he doesn't mean it!)

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10 REASONS WHY SCOOBY DOO WAS A DRUG-INFLUENCED CARTOON

1. Scooby and Shaggy were always being freaked out by
ghosts and ghouls, but no-one else saw them before
Scoob and Shaggy.

2. Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies.

3. Shaggy always thought Scooby was talking and was
the only one who could hear him and understand him.

4. Scooby and Shaggy always fell into the trap that
was intended for the monster because they were tripping
over themselves and couldn't see where they were going.

5. They were always deluded and warped and dressed up in
costumes and entertained the monster/ghost.

6. Shaggy always said "like" to the extreme, e.g. "ZOIKS!
Like let's get outta here, Scoob!!" And what's a zoik, anyway?

7. Scooby and Shaggy were always the ones in the back of
the van (doing who knows what).

8. They drove around in the MYSTERY MACHINE, which had
that weird trippy design on it's side.

9. Shaggy and Scooby were always giddy and laughing.

10. Look at Shaggy; the way he dressed, his goatee, etc.,
'nuff said.

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TOP 10 ONLINE LIES

10. "I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend."

9. "You're different...........I've never felt like this
about someone I've never met before."

8. "I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile
...............but tell me more about yourself."

7. "I never do cybersex!! Yet here in this room alone with
you, well I'm getting excited"

6. "Yes of course I'm female............"

5. "No this is my only screen name....You mean you can have
more then one?"

4. "I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and guys love my body!"
Male version is "I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working
out!"

3. "I'm not like most of the guy's here, I just want to meet
so we can just have coffee and get to know each other."
(at the hotel coffee shop)

2. "I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the
inside that counts." (Which is true, except it means "I'm
horny and could care less, just type")

1. "Tonight my love...........our souls have touched.

~~~~~

TOP 10 LEAST IMPRESSIVE RESUME CLAIMS

10. Supervised Southern Florida election process, 2000 - 2001.

9. Graduated in top 95% of high school class.

8. Designed and implemented company-wide plastic silverware recycling program.

7. Promoted to assistant groundskeeper after just 8 years.

6. Hobbies/interests: Puppetry, Star Trek.

5. Published in Penthouse Forum, April 1980, August 1981.

4. Professional affiliations: American Bar Association, Former Inmates of America.

3. Created Herbal Essence "orgasmic" shampoo commercials.

2. Skills include: Reading, 'riting, 'rithmetic.

1. Invented the Internet.

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Top 10 Sexually Explicit Lines From Star Wars....

10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"

9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."

7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."

6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"

5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

4. "Sorry about the mess..."

3. "Look at the size of that thing!"

2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"

1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

++++++++

Top 10 Sexually Explicit Lines From The Empire Strikes Back

10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."

9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."

7. "But now we must eat. Come, good food, come..."

6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."

5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."

4. "I must have hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"

3. "Possible, he came in through the south entrance."

2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"

1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"

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Top 10 Sexually Explicit Lines From Return Of The Jedi

10. "I look forward to completing your training. In time, you will call me master." (Emperor)

9. "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?" (Leia)

8. "Someone must've told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Taanab." (Lando)

7. "There is good in him, I've felt it." (Luke)

6. "If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short circuit." (C3PO)

5. "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can." (Jerjerrod), with reply "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them." (Darth)

4. "Grab me Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost... you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie, Chewie!" (Han)

3. "Short help's better than no help at all." (Han)

2. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- ow I owe you one." (Han)

1. "Back door, huh? Good idea!" (Han)

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Top Ten best things about dating a Vampire:

10) Long relationships

9) Allowed to stay out late

8) Easy weight loss

7) Centuries of experience

6) Immune to all venereal diseases

5) Always has amazing stamina

4) Loves neck nibbling

3) Rarely interested in arguing religion

2) Never comes home with garlic breath

1) Never have to worry about what color of clothes to wear.

*+*+*+*+*+*

Top Ten lies parents tell their children:

10. This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.

9. I've had enough of your crap...I'm calling your REAL parents to come and take you back.

8. Just tell me the truth and you won't get in trouble.

7. If you sit that close to the TV you're going to go blind.

6. We took Fido to live on a farm in the country.

5. You'll go to Hell if you masturbate. (This is not a lie if you're
Catholic.)

4. The stork brought you to us, honey.

3. When I was your age I walked 10 miles to school, up hill both ways, in the snow.

2. Just because a girl has pierced nipples doesn't make her easy.

And the number 1 lie parents tell their children...

1. Remember son, girls like a gentleman.

*+*+*+*+*+

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU NEED TO BUY A NEW CAR...

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

9. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.

7. The 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.

6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club."

4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.

2. You keep losing dates on left turns.

1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

++++++++

Top Ten Ways The Taliban Is Celebrating Their 10th Anniversary

10. Wet-burqa contest

9. Goat jumping out of a cake

8. Ticking "Congratulations!" bouquet from Donald Rumsfeld

7. Raffling off a busted TV

6. Dinner at their favorite restaurant "Thank-Allah-It's-Friday"

5. With the traditional tenth anniversary gift, sand

4. Flying in Don Rickles to roast Osama

3. Lively game of "Pin the Beard on the Deranged, Cave-Dwelling
Madman"

2. Serving a special dessert called "Death To America By Chocolate"

1. Running for their lives.

From, "Late Night With David Letterman"

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Top Ten Signs You are at a Bad Baptismal Service

10. The Coast Guard is involved.

9. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.

8. Pastor wears scuba gear.

7. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from "Jaws."

6. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River"
instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?".

5. You keep hearing the pastor saying, "Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn't
know about that drop-off!"

4. The pastor can't get the rather large person being baptized back up out
of the water and calls for help.

3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.

2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.

AND THE NO. 1 YOU'RE AT A BAD BAPTISM SERVICE:

1. Two Words: Alka Seltzer

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Top 10 Rejected Survivor Locations

10. O. J. Simpson's Guest House

9. Inner City High School

8. Planet of the Apes

7. 1973 Volkswagen Microbus

6. Under Bill Clinton's Desk

5. Vietnamese POW Camp

4. Anywhere in Palestine

3. Kid Rock Tour Bus

2. Pauly Shore Marathon

1. Abortion Clinic between Catholic Church and Gun Shop.

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Ten Common Illness

1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden
Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long
It's Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll
Until Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too
Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.

6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening
Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want
a Day Off Sickness.

8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager
Again General Ailment.

9. The I've Messed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the
Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and
the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove
It Infirmity.

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Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Ask Your Boss For A Raise:

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in
hysterical laughter.

9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.

8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift
stores.

7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.

6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for
your Easter ham.

5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery
coupons.

4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity
Case - Return To Sender."

3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.

2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold
and it goes into shock.

and the number 1 reason you need to ask for a raise...

1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

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Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created....

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become
lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone
to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a
new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need
Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's,
dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put
the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of child-
bearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember
where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles
on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

+++++++

10 Step Guide For The Do-It-Yourself Handyman

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5. If it's electronic, get a new one...or consult a twelve year old.

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch or just paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

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The top ten signs the web is becoming too commercial and watered down.

10. Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On- Line.

9. 'MAKE MONEY FAST' posts protected by 1st amendment, declare internet lawyers Canter & Siegel.

8. Home shopping 'network'.

7. Netrek corporate sponsorships. Out: Orion, Pollux, Klingus. In: Planet Bud, Toyota Prime, Intelworld.

6. Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.

5. Dan Quayle appointed head of 'bandwidth expansion tiger team'.

4. Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.

3. Gameboy web browsers.

2. Tipper Gore cancelbot unleashed onto the net.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE:

1. Two words: 'Microsoft Network'.

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Re-Written 10 Commandments

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.

IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.

V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me
embarrassed to be seen with thee.

VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what's good for thee.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in thy
bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's
house.

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.

+++++++++++

TOP 10 FUN THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR CLONE 

10. You can talk with yourself without people thinking you are crazy. 

9. Play the mirror game.

8. Play high stakes poker using internal organs as your ante. 

7. Finally see what that wierd mole on your back really looks like

6. You can finally drive in the carpool lane on the way to work. 

5. Confuse the hell out of your dog. Don't worry, your cat won't
care. 

4. Send them to your prostrate exam. 

3. Give your barber the willies with the fatest growing haircut
ever. 

2. Be very noticable at your favorite coffee shop while your clone
is robbing banks. 

1. Well, if you've ever wanted to see how good you are in bed now is
your chance! 

++++++++++++++

IF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER WAS RE-ELECTED GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA...

10. His promise to Californians: "The electricty will be baaaaaack!"

9. He could wrestle Jesse Ventura -- winner gets the loser’s state!

8. Formal state dinners held at Planet Hollywood. 

7. Democratic celebrities would mysteriously start disappearing.

6. There would be a new Survivor 3, based on "The Running Man."

5. He and George W. Bush could help each other get edjumacated in
speaking English.

4. His office: Muscle Beach

3. Ronald Reagan would be granted Total Recall.

2. Citizens would do hard time for flabby triceps. 

1. He would have to give up his current job and start acting for a
living!

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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN CORPORATE AMERICA TOO LONG...

10. You decide to re-organize your family into a "team-
based organization."

9. You refer to dating as test marketing.

8. You can spell "paradigm."

7. You actually know what a paradigm is.

6. You write executive summaries on your love letters.

5. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.

4. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a
performance review.

3. You believe you never have any problems in your life,
just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."

2. You can explain to somebody the difference between
"re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing
people."

And the number 1 sign you've been in corporate America too 
long...

1. You use the term "value-added" without laughing.

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TOP TEN REASONS STUDYING IS BETTER THAN SEX 

10. You can usually find someone to do it with. 

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick 
up where you left off. 

8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame. 

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about 
who else has opened it. 

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night. 

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation 
as a "book teaser." 

4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time. 

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt 
you in the middle. 

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it. 

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can 
always ask your roommate for help! 

++++++++++
DVDs from Amazon:

++++++++++

Top 10 Sayings We'd Like To See On Office Posters

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 

2. If you can stay calm while all around you are in chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. 

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat. 

6. Plagiarism saves time. 

7. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 

8. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 

9. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. 

10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself. 

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TOP 10 REASONS YOU MIGHT BE A SCHOOL TEACHER 

1. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior

2. You have no life between August to June 

3. When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group 

4. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling 

5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside 

6. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered 

7. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form 

8. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler 

9. Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time 

10. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question 
"Why is this kid like this?" 

===================

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives “bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

++++++++

Top 10 Things to do in a public Restroom

1. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a melon into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

2. Fill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy big boy!"

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please"?

5. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

6. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it.

7. Say, "Damn, this water's cold!"

8. Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that color before."

9. Say, "Interesting, more floaters than sinkers."

10. Drop a marble and say, "Oh noooo, my glass eye!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top Ten Police Comebacks

1. I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse
plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal.

2. Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say 
"Thank You." We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary!

3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be 
dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.

4. Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the
citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't
take more than six hours.

5. Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?

6. What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've 
got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't 
mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation.

7. No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without
the badge and gun.

8. Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your 
wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra 
weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.

9. She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year
-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying.

10. HAVE A NICE DAY.

BONUS: No, MY taxes pay my salary. YOUR taxes bought 
a monkey for the zoo.

**************
 

Top Ten Times In History when using the 
"F" word was appropriate:

10)"What the *&%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima

9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer

8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein

7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" -- Picasso

6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" -- Pythagorus

5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." -- Joan of Arc

3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" -- Noah

2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" -- JFK

1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton


*************

Top 10 Party Tips for the Moderation Challenged:

10) Once your pantyhose have a big "Easy Access" hole in the 
upper thigh, just take 'em off already. You're not fooling anyone 
there, classy-chick. 

9) The president of your company does NOT want to know how 
YOU think things are REALLY going. Cause you know what?
If anyone really cared, YOU would be president. So just move 
along, smarty-pants.

8) Eat any and all cheese products you are offered throughout the evening. It works. I don't know why, but it does. I choose not to look that particular gift horse in the mouth. Just stick to the cheese and be grateful. 

7) Arrive at the party assuming you are going to be put in a cab and sent home. Translation: know your address, or at least have it written down somewhere. And for god's sake, hang on to some cab fare.

6) Nothing says class like a woman double fisting Bud from the bottle. (Use a glass, just this once.)

5) If your party is open bar all evening long, you've hit BONANZA. 
Pace yourself, or you'll be bummed in the morning when you realize you were sent home in time to watch Jeopardy. If your party is open bar only for an hour, offer to help "organize" so you can get there early and hoard alcohol for yourself and your friends. 

If your party is cash bar only, consider quitting now. You can get a new job at a company that will at least pick up the friggin' bar tab for an hour. Tight-asses!

4) Stay a drink or two behind anyone you really don't like. Think of the hours and hours of fun and excitement you will have talking about what a drunken fool they were at the party the next day! (Oh...sure, I had 10 beers, but you'd think SHE'D at least slow down after number 11... duh?!?)

3) If you've fallen down more than once, and you still want to keep your job, thanks for playing, we have some nice parting gifts for you. Bye bye. Check yourself out before someone has to check you in to the emergency room. (Note: Stumbling is perfectly legal.) 

2) Your body, especially your hands, do not belong anywhere within 6 inches of your boss's body. Not for any reason, period. If you find your hands in need of something to do, get another drink for crying out loud. Or wait till you get home, Spanky. 

1) Just because you can't see others while you're hooking up with your intern on the dance floor doesn't mean others can't see YOU.

+++++++++=

TOP 10 THINGS TO DO WHILE ORDERING PIZZA 

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while 
ordering and ask the person taking the order to stop 
doing that. 

2. Use CB lingo where applicable. 

3. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had 
this conversation." 

4. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 

5. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they 
say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 

6. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your 
lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the 
mouthpiece back into place near your mouth and 
scream goodbye at the top of your lungs. 

7. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza 
is, in fact, dead. 

8. Order two diferent meat toppings, then say, 
"No, they'll start fighting."

9. Ask for the guy who took your order last time. 

10. Ask the driver to please wash his hands before 
delivering your pizza. 

***********

THE TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER 

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000. 

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running. 

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex. 

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. 

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work. 

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net" 

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments. 

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons 

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President." 

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

++++++++

10 Ways I Know I've Had Too Much Coffee...

1. Saw elephants 

2. Tried to catch said elephants 

3. Disco danced around my cubicle at work

4. Had to re-mortgage the house to buy more espresso 

5. Bartender told me I'd had enough 

6. Heard sloshing sounds when I walked 

7. Shook too much to hook up the coffee IV 

8. Supported the other half of the Colombian GNP 

9. Been to the John 15 times in the last 30 minutes 

10. Seizures are starting to affect my driving

+++++++++

10 Rejected Flavors Of Kool-Aid 

1. Drunkenberry Punch 

2. Strawberry Escargo 

3. Tastes Like Teen Spirit

4. Toxic Yellow Surprise 

5. Roadkill Red 

6. Rocka-fishy Tuna 

7. Chocolate Fudge Ripple 

8. Picklejuice 

9. Shrimp Cocktail 

10. Sea Monkeys

+++++++++

Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like...

10. Hey! Now there's a gift!

9. Well, well, well...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. 
There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really don't deserve this.

+++++++

Top 10 Signs You Were Ripped Off Buying That New Computer 

10. You have to pedal it. 
9. When you insert a disk, it disappears and a loud "burp" follows. 
8. Lower corner of the screen has the words "Etch a Sketch" on it. 
7. The manual contains one sentence: "Good Luck!" 
6. The only chip inside is a Dorrito. 
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the neighborhood dogs begin howling. 
4. The monitor is made up of a blackboard and chalk. 
3. Instead of a keyboard, it came with a Ouija board. 
2. There's a "AA Batteries Not Included" sticker on the front. 
And the #1 sign that you were ripped off buying that new 
computer... 
1. The computer mouse came in a cage and has fur. 

++++++

THE TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME

Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need
it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to
fix any car, any place, any time.

1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in
stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator
hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one
easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct
tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything
from LeMans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the
yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a
quarter and a phone booth.

2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling
wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it
-falls off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips
are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up
beyond repair.

3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new
doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig
phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one
of the ten worst tools of all time.

4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time
under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the
peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's
because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of
tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty
tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the
butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel
bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs
aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel
Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.

5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack
corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.

6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray
hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a
slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip
ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring
from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something
remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both
ways. When buying used cars, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie
under the hood.

7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime
Guarantee: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying,
chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a
huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with
gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil
filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a
stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver 
and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who
cares? It's guaranteed.

8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing
wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct
tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it
works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again.
Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles,
particularly with MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.

9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly
pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but
how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all
purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge
flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick.
(Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course,
but does a lousy job of it).

10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth:
(See #1 above.)

+++++++

Top 10 Signs Your Family May Be Trailer Trash

1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your Dad.

2. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.

3. Your mother and your preteen sister are always fighting over the last can of beer.

4. In the middle of your family reunion, FBI cuts power to the ranch.

5. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.

6. Holidays are usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster
around the house.

7. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down!"

8. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from
Penthouse Forum.

9. Thanksgiving dinner consists of "Wild Turkey" instead of roast turkey.

10. Your 12 year sister won't quit smoking..... in front of her kids.

++++++++
 

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING!

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose 
your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're 
not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't 
remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of 
restraining orders.
3.You have to carefully choose a costume that won't 
dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood 
with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

++++++

TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

++++++++++++++

Top Ten Organized Crime Money Savings Tips 

10. When taking a body out to Jersey, use mass transit. 
9. Every time you kill a guy, put a nickel in a jar. 
8. Tap into nearly endless supply of cheap hit-men. 
7. Make threatening phone calls after 11pm, when rates 
are lowest. 
6. When you whack two or three guys, stuff them in 
the same trunk and carpool it. 
5. Inexpensive pinkie ring substitute: Plastic tab-pull 
from half gallon of orange juice. 
4. Fire pricey nickname consultants -- everyone is either 
"Fat Tony" or "Knuckles." 
3. Pasta is very inexpensive and very filling. 
2. Forget expensive car bombs--just sneak up behind 
the guy and yell, "Ker-pow!" 
1. Limit yourself to ten "fugeddaboudits" a day. 

+++++++++++++++++++ 

Ten Signs You're Dating An Ugly Woman

1. She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
2. As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.
3. Even mosquitoes stay away from her.
4. She startles the animals at the zoo.
5. On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
6. She makes onions cry.
7. Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.
8. Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
9. The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
10. When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.

****************


Ten Good Things About The Flu

10. No one wants to come near you.
9. You can legally take sedatives.
8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse lives than you do.
7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly.
6. You can smell like a baboon's butt and nobody complains.
5. You can shlep about the house unwashed and in your housecoat all day.
4. No matter how bad you feel, it's still better than how you felt
after last month's tequila 'n' gin party.
3. Star Trek re-runs.
2. Your dog is allowed on the bed.
1. You get to pass the virus on to those you really dislike.

******************

TOP 10 REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE:

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter

+++++++++

TOP 10 REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:

10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Small talk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild

++++++++++

Top 10 New Diet Rules

1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no
calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. ex. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. ex. milk duds, buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. ex. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon
10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.

++++++++

The World's 10 Shortest Books:

10. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
9. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
8. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
7. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
6. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
5. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
4. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
3. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
2. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates 
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50

10. Sag! You're it! 

9. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

8. 20 questions shouted in your good ear. 

7. Kick the bucket. 

6. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.

5. Doc, doc, goose.

4. Simon says something incoherent.

3. Musical recliners.

2. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.

AND THE NUMBER 1 PARTY GAME FOR OLD PEOPLE IS...

1. Hide and go pee!

++++++++

Top 10 Most Brilliant Marketing Screw Ups

1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it
was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into
German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too
many people had use for the "manure stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies
routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most
people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la
papa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into
"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make
a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an
aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la",
meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with
wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000
characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le",
translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads
were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and
embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word
"embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read:
"It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
+++++++


Top 10 Reasons To Become A Nurse

1. Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
2. Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.
3. Needles: It's better to give than to receive.
4. Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops...eventually.
5. Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
6. Interesting aromas.
7. Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
8. Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
9. Celebrate the holidays with all your friends....at work.
10. Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

++++++++++

Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities 

1. Drink molasses 'til you heave 
2. Wet bonnet contest 
3. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy 
4. Buttermilk keggar 
5. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really rad Clydesdale 
6. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns" 
7. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers 
8. Sleep 'til 6 AM 
9. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite rear 
10. Churn butter naked 

+++++++

Top Ten Dinner Dishes When Mom's Away 
and Dad's "Cooking" 

10. Hot dogs with just a hint of Tabasco. 
9. "Kids eat free" night at the steak house. 
8. Pizza. 
7. Broiled bologna benedict on rye.
6. Back-of-the-fridge goulash (with lots of pepper). 
5. Chips and salsa. 
4. Cocoa Puff surprise. 
3. Something old, something blue, something frozen, call it stew. 
2. Cold pizza. 
1. Whatever's cooking at Grandma's. 

+++++++++++=

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble... 

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m. 
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup. 
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh." 
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy." 
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap." 
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks. 
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening." 
2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese. 
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

++++

Top Ten Ways to Make Doing Your Taxes Fun 

10.Do 'em naked 

9.Instead of restaurant receipt, send them leftovers from 
the meal in question 

8.Frequent use of the word "eleventeen" 

7.Claim a deduction, do a shot! 

6.In "For Office Use Only" area write "Approved. 
Send refund immediately." 

5.Send back unopened form with words "not interested" 
across envelope 

4.Sneeze on forms 

3.Instead of using dated definition of income, use the 
proposed revised definition under section 643(B) in 
which conforming amendments are made to regulations 
affecting ordinary trusts, pooled income funds, charitable 
remainder trusts, trusts that qualify for the gift and estate 
tax marital deduction, and trusts that are exempt from 
generation-skipping transfer taxes -- that always puts 
a smile on my face 

2.Deduct $100 in medical expenses for all the paper cuts 
you suffered because the tax form is 75 pages long! 

1.Save postage by wrapping your return around a rock 
and throwing it through the IRS's window 

++++++++++++

Warning, the remaining Top Ten Lists on this page are R-Rated.  Do not continue reading them if you think that you might be offended in any way.  You have been warned!

R-rated Top Ten:    

2. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that. 

And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say 
out loud in Victoria's Secret: 

1. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!! 

++++++++

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty in Golf but Aren't

10. Nuts!...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up, I need to wash my balls first!

++++++++

Top 10 Things in Law that Sound Dirty But Aren't

1. Have you looked through her briefs? 

2. He's one hard judge! 

3. Counselor, let's do it in chambers! 

4. His attorney withdrew at the last minute! 

5. Is it a penal offense? 

6. Better leave the handcuffs on 

7. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 

8. Can you get him to drop his suit? 

9. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could! 

10. Think you can get me off 

+++++++

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.

+++++++

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