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Mid-Western United States Regional Humor
Chicago
First you must learn to pronounce
da city name.
It is Chi-ca-go, or Cha-ca-ga
depending on if you live Nort
or Sout of Roosevelt Rd.
(We all know dat the Nort side
is for "normal" people...
cross dat line to the Sout
and yous is in da Twilight Zone
back in da 50's where dere's
a bowling alley on every corner.)
Next, if your road map is more den
a few weeks old, trow it out,
and buy a new one.
If in Naperville
and your map is one day old,
den it is already obsolete.
Forget the traffic rules you learned
elsewhere. Chicago has its own version
of traffic rules...
"Close yer eyes, hit da gas, and pray!".
Dere is no such ting as a dangerous
high-speed chase in Chicago.
We all drive like dat!
All directions start wit, "Get on I-94"
which has no beginning and no end.
Da morning rush hour is from Midnight
to Noon.
Da evening rush hour is from Noon
to Midnight.
Da weekend rush hour starts on
Tursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light,
you will be rear ended, or possibly shot.
When you are da first one on the starting
line, count to five when da light turns
green before going to avoid crashing into
all da drivers running the red light
in cross-traffic.
Construction on da Nortwest Tollway
is a way of life and a permanent form
of entertainment. We had sooooo much fun
wit dat we have added 294, Elgin - O'Hare
and I-355 to da mix.
All unexplained sights are explained by
da phrase, "Oh, we must be in Cicero!"
If someone actually has dere turn signal on,
it is probably a factory defect on dere
vehicle.
Car horns are actually da native language.
Dey are also used by cabbies behind you
to let you know dat da light will turn green
in 5 seconds.
If asking directions in Cicero you must
speak Spanish.
If in Bridgeport, Mandarin Chinese will be
your best bet.
If you stop to ask directions on da West
or Sout side you will need to know Eubonics,
have a det wish, or you are wearing a
bullet-proof vest.
A trip across town (East to West) will take
a minimum of four hours, although many Nort/Sout
streets have unposted minimum speeds of 75 mph.
The minimum acceptable speed on da Dan Ryan
is 95, especially if youse is drivin a 10 ton
waste hauler wit bald tires, no tarp,
and no mud flaps.
The wrought iron bars on windows near Englewood,
and Austin are NOT for ornamental purposes!
The Congress expressway is our daily version
of NASCAR.
The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap"
for two reasons: Which of dose 2 words
don't you unnerstan?
It is highly advisable not to try to pet
or feed dose packs of wild dogs roaming
on da shoder uh da road.
If it's 100 degrees, it's da Taste Of Chicago.
If it's 10 below and snowing, it's opening day
at Sox Park.
If it's rained 6 inches in da last hour,
den da Western open Golf Classic is in
da second round.
If you go to Wrigley Field, pay the $25.00
to park in "Cubs Lot". Parking elsewhere
could cost up to $2500 for damages,
towing fees, tickets, etc.
If some guy wit a flag tries to get you
to park in his "yard", run him over.
And da most important ting to remember
is dis...
If you park on a side street side where
someone has blocked off a parking space
wit a broom and a kitchen chair...
You WILL be killed!!!
Welcome to Chicago!
~~~~~~~
Here is one story about people shoveling the snow for
a parking space in front their house. This apparently
is a problem for the Chicago police every winter. What
happens is that somebody will park in a nearby parking
lot, then slave away for how ever many hours it takes
to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house,
naturally so he can park his car there. Then he goes
back to the lot to get his car.
When he returns home, he finds that the space has been
taken by some other car. He is, well, upset.
What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and
place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle.
Where the police get involved, however, is the
occasional case where the individual vents his wrath
in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have
been slashed over this.
One time a fellow got creative. Instead of doing the
usual nasty, he got out his garden hose and watered
the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very
thoroughly. The water, of course, froze solid. When
the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a
car-sized Popsicle.
The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here,
it's yours until spring!
=======
Survivor - Wisconsin Style
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wisconsin is planning to do its own
version, entitled "Survivor Wisconsin Style."
The contestants will start in Kenosha, travel to Racine, Milwaukee, Green Bay,
Wausau, Eagle River, Hayward and then to Superior, EauClaire, LaCrosse, then on
to Madison and back into Kenosha.
Each will be driving a pink Lexus with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay,
I'm a vegetarian, Bratwurst clogs your arteries, I voted for Al Gore, Green Bay
Packers suck, Cheese is high in cholesterol, Hillary in 2004, I don't believe in
any hunting or fishing and I'm here to confiscate your guns and close your
taverns."
The first one to make it back to Kenosha alive wins!
+++++++
Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see
driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to
him vit a vide smile.
"Ole, vere did you get dat car?" Sven asked
"Lena gave it to me"
"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?"
"Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county
road 6,in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da
woods. She parked, got out of da car, trew off all of her clothes
and said "Ole take vatever you vant."...So I took da car"
"Ole, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya."
++++++++ 
Morris and his blonde wife Sherry live in Chicago. One winter morning
while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We
are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the
snowplow can get through."
Morris' wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side
of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Morris' wife Sherry goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches
blizzard of snow today. You must park...", then the electric power
goes out....and the radio goes dead.
Sherry says, "Morris honey, I don't know what to do now."
Morris says, "Why don't you just leave your car in our heated
garage this time?"
+++++
A tornado hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one
morning.
It tore off the roof, and picked up the beds on which
the farmer and his wife slept were sleeping. By some
miracle, the tornado set them down unharmed
the next county over.
The wife was sobbing uncontrollably. "Don't be
scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."
Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said
between sobs. "I'm happy... this is the first time
in 14 years we've been out together."
++++++++
Breaking News Flash
WARSAW (AP)-- In an apparent copycat terrorist act, Polish terrorists
Stosh and Yonko Binladenski have hijacked a Goodyear Blimp. So far,
they have bounced off of 5 buildings in Detroit.
++++++++++++ 
MICHIGANDERS... 43 signs that you may just be one of them.
You know you're from Michigan when:
1. You've never met any celebrities.
2. "Vacation" means going to Cedar Point.
3. At least 1 member of your family disowns you the week of the
Michigan/Michigan State game.
4. Half the change in your pocket is Canadian.
5. Your idea of a 7-course meal is a six-pack and a bucket of perch.
6. You drive 86 mph on the highway and pass on the right.
7. Your idea of a traffic jam is 20 cars waiting to pass an orange
barrel.
8. You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.
9. You know the "Big Mac" is something that you drive over.
10. You know how to pronounce "Mackinac."
11. You've had to switch on the "heat" and the "A/C" in the
same day.
12. You can see a car running in a parking lot with no one in
it, no matter what time of the year.
13. You end your sentences with a preposition; example: "Where's my
coat at"?
14. You bake with SODA and drink a POP.
15. All the festivals across the state are named after
a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
16. You think of the 4 major food groups as beef, pork, BBQ sauce,
and beer.
17. You carry jumper cables in your car.
18. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
19. Driving in the winter is better because the potholes are filled
with snow.
20. Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving and opening
of Deer Season, which you consider a National Holiday.
21. You have 10 favorite recipes for Venison.
22. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
23. Your little league game was snowed out.
24. You learned to drive a boat before you could ride a bike.
5. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
26. Your snow blower has more miles on it than your car.
27. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body
workout.
28. You attend a formal event in your best clothing, finest jewelry,
and snowmobile boots.
29. The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.
30. The word "thumb" has geographical, rather than anatomical
significance.
31. You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your
left hand.
32. Traveling coast-to-coast means driving from Port Huron to
Muskegon.
33. You measure distance in minutes.
34. When giving directions, you refer to "A Michigan Left."
35. You know that Battle Creek not only exists, but
isn't that far from Hell.
36. You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.
37. Your year has 2 seasons: Winter and Construction.
38. Home Depot on any Saturday is busier than toy stores at
Christmas.
39. You know when it has rained because of the smell of worms.
40. Owning a Japanese car was a hangin' offense in your hometown.
41. You believe that "down south" means Toledo.
42. You think that everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
43. YOU ACTUALLY "GET" THESE JOKES AND FORWARD THEM
ON TO ALL Of YOUR MICHIGAN FRIENDS.
++++++++++++++
MICHIGAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART
70 above
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
People in Michigan go swimming in the Lakes.
60 above
North Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
People in Michigan plant gardens.
50 above
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Michigan sunbathe.
40 above
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Michigan drive with the windows down.
32 above
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Superior's water gets thicker.
20 above
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats.
People in Michigan throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Michigan have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0
People in Miami all die...
Michiganders lick the flagpole.
20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Michigan get out their winter coats.
40 below
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Michigan are selling cookies door to door.
60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Michigan Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it
gets cold enough.
80 below
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
People in Michigan rent some videos.
100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Michiganders get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
297 below
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Michigan complain about farmers with cold hands.
460 below
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
People in Michigan start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below
Hell freezes over.
The Lions win the Super Bowl!
+++++++++++ 
Winters are fierce where he lives, so the owner of the estate
felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for
his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs
even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't you like
the muffs?"
The Foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
"Why don't you wear them?"
The Foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, and
somebody offered to buy me a drink, but I didn't hear him!"
++++++++++
A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl
catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker
lowers the window. The girl says "Hi, my name is
Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
The trucker stops for another red light and the girl
again catches up. She knocks on the door and the
trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name
is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" He
ignores her again and continues down the street.
The trucker stops for still another red light and the
girl catches up again all out of breath. She knocks
on the door and the trucker lowers the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of your load!" He dismisses her and starts
off down the street, then stops. The trucker gets out
of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says:
"Hi, my name is Andy and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"
[For those of you in southern climates that have never
lived in an area of ice and snow, a salt truck is a
vehicle that drives around after a snow
dropping salt on the road to melt the ice!]
+++++++++++++
Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation,
without warning, and with unusual patterns of destruction.
In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving
only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady
was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining
part of the house left above the floor.
The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt.
She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.
"It was the strangest thing... it was the strangest thing..."
she kept repeating dazedly.
"What was the strangest thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the
rescuers.
"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did
was pull the plug... and the whole darned house suddenly
drained away."
++++++++
One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near
Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the
ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his
car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his
car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.
So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community
service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over,
walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered
it to the driver.
The driver looks at the trooper and says,
"No thanks, I just bought some."
++++++++
Vell, Ole and Lena vent to de same Lut'eran Church. Lena vent every
Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole vent on Christmas and Easter and,
once in awhile, he vent on one of de other Sundays. On one of dose
Sundays, he was in de pew right behind Lena, and he noticed vhat a
fine-looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up de collection, Ole
leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner
in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena Well, Ole couldn't believe
his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he
picked up Lena and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.
When dey sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould
you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after
dinner Den he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of
cigarettes.
Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after dat, so he yust got in his Ford
and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd
struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at dat motel with
me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his
luck. He did a U-turn right den and dere, across the median and
everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the
bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat
have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena, and she woke up.
"Lena, I've got to ask you von t'ing," said Ole. "Vat are you going to
tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "De same t'ing I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke
and drink to have a good time!"
+++++++++
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches
up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck,
and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi, my name
is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on
the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the
blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your
load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath the
blonde gets out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you
are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the
blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
+++++++
Q: What do you call 30 tractors circling a McDonalds in Iowa?
A: Prom Night
+++ 
You Know You're Born and Raised in a Small-Town in the Mid-West When. . .
*During a storm you check the cattle before you check the kids.
*You are related to more than half the town.
*You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance.
*Your car breaks down outside of town and news of it gets back to town
before you do.
*Without thinking, you wave to all oncoming traffic.
*You don't buy all your vegetables at the grocery store.
*You don't put too much effort into hairstyles due to wind and weather.
*There's a tornado warning and the whole town is outside watching for it.
*The local gas station sells live bait.
*You go to the State Fair for your family vacation.
*You get up at 5:30 am and go down to the coffee shop.
*You're on a first name basis with the county sheriff.
*You have the number of the Co-op on speed dial.
*All your radio-preset buttons are country.
*Using the elevator involves a grain truck.
*Your mayor is also your garbage hauler, barber, and insurance salesman.
*You know you should listen to the weather forecast before picking out an
outfit.
*You call the wrong number and talk to the person for an hour anyway.
*Your excuse for getting out of school is that the cows got out.
*You know cow pies aren't made of beef.
*You wake up when it's dark and go to bed when it's still light.
*You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon.
*You can tell it's a farmer working late in his field and not a UFO.
*Your nearest neighbor is in the next area code. (or a long distance call)
*You know the difference between field corn and sweet corn when they
are still on the stalk.
*You know the code names for everyone on the CB.
*You can eat an ear of corn with no utensils in under 20 seconds.
*You wear your boots to church.
*It takes 30 seconds to reach your destination and it's clear across
town.
*You can tell the smell of a skunk and the smell of feedlot apart.
*The meaning of true love is that you'll ride in the tractor with him.
*You go to Wal-Mart for your Saturday shopping.
*Your main drag in town is two blocks long.
*You defend the beauty of being able to see the next town which is
20 miles away.
+++++++ 
 There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole
heads of lettuce. But the man said that he did not need a whole head, only a
half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager.
So he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who
wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he said it, he turned to find the man standing right behind him.
Realizing he had been overheard, the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman
wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the request, and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble
earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You
think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir".
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota," asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just hookers and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota!"
The boy replied, "Oh Really! What team did she play for?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*
A wholesaler in New York sent a letter to the postmaster
of a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of an
honest lawyer who would take a collection case against a
local debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the
wholesaler's goods. He got this reply:
Dear Sir:
I am the postmaster of this village and received
your letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily
would be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor.
In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you
sold those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay
and refused to honor it.
I am also the banker you sent the draft to draw on the
merchant, and I sent that back with a note stating that
the merchant had refused to pay.
If I were not, for the time being, substituting for the
pastor of our local church, I would tell you just what I
thought of your claim.
++++++++++
WELCOME TO ILLINOIS
Don't order steak or pasta primavera at Denny's. It's a diner. They serve
breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the
cooks in the kitchen they will kick your ass.
Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sandwich, St. Elmo, Gays, Reddick,
Dongola, Dupo, Ashkum, Boody, Farmer City, etc.) or we will just have to kick
your ass.
Don't order a can or bottle of soda here. It is called pop. Accept it. Doing
otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you are. We are also
better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as Midwesterners.
We are from Illinois and we can kick your ass.
We have plenty of business sense. We have to make a living here. We admit to
small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let
someone move
to our state just to run for the senate. If someone tried to do that we would
kick her ass.
Don't laugh at our cornfields or our Lincoln Log home. Anything that inspires
tourists to buy 50,000 post cards can't be bad. And in Chicago don't point and
laugh at the sculptures or we will kick your ass.
We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter; so shut the hell up.
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we will kick your ass.
Don't order the fruit plate for dessert. Order a steak and a potato or pizza for
dinner and then have cheesecake or we will kick your ass.
Don't try to fake a Chicago accent. We don't have an accent. If you say we do
then we will kick your ass.
Don't talk to us about how much better things are where you came from because we
know better. Many of us have visited big city hellholes like Detroit, Cleveland,
New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles. If you don't like it here, O'Hare is
ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
Don't complain that Illinois is flat and that there are not enough trees. If you
whine about our scenic beauty we will kick your ass all the way back to San
Francisco.
Pronouncing the 's' at the end of Illinois is not funny. Doing it, will get your
ass kicked.
Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come here and tell us Chicago is full of
gangsters. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention
this and you will be wearing cement shoes in the bottom of the Chicago River.
Now then welcome to Illinois, enjoy your visit, spend your money and then go
home.
^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^
 
Rules For City Folk When Visiting Kansas
RULES WHEN VISITING KANSAS
These will be handed to each person
as they enter the state.
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work
before breakfast than you'll do all week at the gym.
How'd you like to go home & tell your momma you
got your ass kicked by a big guy in bib overalls?
2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you
drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have
a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get
it out of the way!
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were 9
years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it!
4. Any references to 'corn fed' when talking about our
women will get your ass kicked... by our women!
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't
cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We
have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish
for... bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are
making their final approach, we will shoot it. You
might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the
time.
8. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy
a fifth for what you paid in the airport.
9. The Jayhawks & the Wildcats are as important here
as the Lakers & the Knicks... and a damn sight more
fun to watch.
10. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu.
Order steak & order it rare; or, you can order the
Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham &
turkey.
11. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with 2
packets of sugar and a long spoon.
12. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown,
wet, and served over ice!
13. So you have a 60 thousand dollar car. We're real
impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar
combines that we use 2 weeks a year.
14. Let's get this straight, we have one stoplight in town.
We stop when it's red. Hell, we may even stop when
it's yellow.
15. Our women hunt, fish, & drive trucks because they
want to. So, if you're a feminist... whopdee shit!
16. Yeah we eat catfish, carp, and even turtle. If you
really want sushi & caviar, it's available at the bait
shop.
17. They are pigs... and that's what pigs smell like. Get
over it. Don't like it? Interstate 70 goes two ways &
I-35 goes the other two. Pick one.
18. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of pheasant
season. It's a religious holiday held the closest
Saturday to the first of November. You can get
breakfast at the church.
19. So every one in each pickup waves. It's called
being friendly. Understand the concept?
20. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't land in the
water hazards, it spooks the fish.
++++++
RULES OF MICHIGAN
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and
Californians come to Michigan, our states' Tourism Council has adopted a
new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural
Michiganers mind, the following list will be handed to each person as
they enter the State.
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than
you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Navigator.
I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of
the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get
you whipped...by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle.
We have a name for those little 13 inch trout you fish for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it.
You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what
you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order
it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad
and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea.
It comes in a glass with two packets
of sugar and a long spoon.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We
have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when
it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So,
you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too--and turtle. You really want sushi
and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are cows. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like
it? Interstate goes four ways--. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. You
might hit an ore freighter
19. That State Police Officer that just pulled you over for driving
like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is. Now, enjoy
your visit and then go home...ASAP!
++++++
You're in the Midwest when . . .
* You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor
knows your name.
* Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
+++++++++
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are
marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,
"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six
months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do
you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million
years old when I started working here, and that was four and
a half years ago."
+++++
While fishing in northern Minnesota on Leech lake
with a guide I learned that a fellow I used to go to
school with had been living with a girl, also from
our class, for over 10 years and that they had three
children. I asked, "Why on earth haven't they gotten
married by now?"
Neck answered," Well, they found out they're
second cousins so they thought people would
gossip if they got married."
+++++
Q. What do the Chicago Bears & Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 60,000 people stand up & yell "Jesus Christ!"
+++
Q. Where do you go in Chicago in case of a tornado?
A. To Soldier Field - they never get a touchdown there!
+++
Q. Why was Lovie Smith upset when the Chicago Bears playbook
was stolen?
A. Because he hadn't finished coloring it.
+++
Q. What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the
Super Bowl?
A. The Chicago Bears!
+++
Q. What's the difference between the Chicago Bears & the Taliban?
A. The Taliban has a running game
+++
Now, on to some Wisconsin-directed humor...
Q: What do you call a 300-pound female Packer fan?
A: Anorexic!
+++
Q: What's the difference between a pumpkin on Halloween and
a female Packer fan?
A: The pumpkin has more teeth!
+++
Q: Did you hear that the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay
Buccaneers were going to merge?
A: They are going to be called the 'Tampax'; they
are only good for one period, and there is no second string!
+++
A man walked into a bar and sat down for a drink. He noted
a dog intently watching a Packers - Bears game. Whenever the
Bears scored, the dog would jump onto the bar and do an
animated dance. This happened over and over as the Bears
scored again and again, and at the end of the game the dog
let out a loud howl and ran out of the bar.
The man thought this was pretty unusual and asked the bartender,
"Gee, that's amazing. What happens when the Packers win?"
The bartender replied, "I don't know; the dog's only
6-years old!"
+++++
A farmer who lived right on the border between Minnesota
and Iowa was troubled with doubt about which state to pay his
taxes to finally he called the surveyors to study out the
problem and give him the answer.
When their work was completed, the surveyors came to his
door and told him, "your farm is entirely on the Iowa side
of the border line."
"Thank God!" said the farmer happily, "No more of those
terrible Minnesota winters!"
++++
Associated Press: Ole's Dead
Those in Minnesota may not know this but Ole was shot. He was up with
his 4-wheeler cutting some trees by the Canadian border. Some rangers
looking for terrorists spotted him and, using the loudspeaker, shouted
to him "Who are you and what are you doing?"
Ole shouted back "OLE...BIN LOGGIN'!"
++++++
You Might Be From A Small Town If.........
You can name everyone you graduated with.
You know what 4-H is.
You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or
in the middle of a dirt road.
You used to drag "main."
You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour.
You schedule parties around the schedule of different police
officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which
ones wouldn't (same goes with the game warden).
You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
School gets canceled for state events.
You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks
knew how old you were (and if you were old they'd tell your
parents anyhow).
When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy
cigarettes, you still had to go out to the country and drive
on back roads to smoke them.
You were ever in the Homecoming parade.
The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
The cc golf course had only 9 holes.
You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend(or boyfriend).
The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty",
but is actually just like your town.
Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.
You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as
the "rich people."
The people in the city dress funny, then you pick-up.
on the trend two years later.
You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your
truck for your birthday.
Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen
or the feed store.
You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through
town.
Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to
get stronger.
Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference.
The city council meets at the coffee shop.
Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.
You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily
basis.
Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.
Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.
You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people
pull over and ask if you need a ride.
Your teachers call you by your older siblings names.
Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
You can charge at all the local stores.
The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away.
So is the closest mall.
It is normal to see an old man riding through
town on a riding lawnmower.
You laugh your head off reading this because you
know they're all true and forward it to everyone who
lives in your town! (because you know them all!)
+++++++++
Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was
near the end of winter and spring was just beginning. Ole
asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the
general store to pick him up some tobacco.
She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on their
tab.
So she walked across, got the tobacco and walked back.
Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money.
He said, "I vasn't goin' to send any money ven I vasn't sure
how tick de ice vas..."
+++++++ 
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the
counter, one tourist
asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument
for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
+++++++++
Wisconsin Dictionary:
** AIN-A-HEY: placed at the end of a profound statement; as in "isn't it?"
** BART: a Green Bay institution who doesn't need a last name; (see"Vince").
** BELIEVE-YOU-ME: attached to the beginning or end of a statement,
makes it more credible; as in," Really!"
** BLAZE-ORANGE: what deer hunters and cold-weather Packers fans wear
at Lambeau Field. Also a popular color for jail uniforms.
** BORN IN A BARN?: a sarcastic question which usually means you left
the door open or could not correctly differentiate between an alewive
and a 'schmelt'.
** BORROW: used in place of lend, as in, "Could youse borrow me a
couple two-tree bucks, yahhey?"
** BRAT: a sausage; a Wisconsin tail gate favorite; doesn't have
anything to do with a spoiled kid.
** BUBBLER: to the rest of the world outside Wisconsin's borders, it
is known as a drinking fountain.
** BUDGE: to merge without permission; cut in; as in "Don't you budge
in line for a brat, I was here first!"
** BY: to; near; as in "Let's go by One Eyed Jack's" or,"She'll come
by da house tonight."
** CHEDDERHEAD: someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheesehead."
** CHEESEHEAD: someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheddarhead."
** CHEESE CURD: small pieces of fresh cheese that squeak when you
bite into them.
** COUPLE-TWO-TREE more than one; as in "Delmer and I drank a
couple-two-tree beers."
** CRIPES: a Wisconsin expletive.
** CRIPES-SAKE: a mild Wisconsin expletive.
** CRIPES-SAKES-ALMIGHTY: a wild Wisconsin expletive.
** DA: substitute for words beginning with "TH;" as in, "Da guy over
dere in da Bears shirt dere."
** FISH FRY: a Friday night dining ritual in Wisconsin.
** FLEET FARM: A Cheddarhead's answer to Bloomingdales.
** FROZEN TUNDRA: Lambeau Field.
** GEEEZ!: Another Wisconsin expletive.
** GOTS: used in place of "have;" as in,"I gots my tickets to watch
da Packers play on da Frozen Tundra."
** HEY: placed at the beginning or end of phrases for emphasis, as
in, "Hey, how 'bout dem Packers?" or "Hows about dem Packers, Hey!"
** HOWS-BY-YOU?: a greeting; the same as,"How's everything?"
** HUMDINGER: a beauty; as in "dat croppy youse caught up-nort is
areal humdinger."
** JOHN DEERE: a Cheddarhead's other vehicle.
** LEAKER: (n )One who lacks the mental or physical stamina to
continue partying.
** M'WAKEE: Wisconsin's largest city; located just down the lake from
T'rivers and Man'twoc.
** N-SO?: a word inserted at the end of a statement; (sometimes
pronounced as AIN-SO), used as a substitute for "isn't that right?"
"Correct?"
** OH,YAH: Depending on emphasis, it's either used as acknowledgment
(as "That's correct") or skepticism (That's bull!).
** PERT-NEER: (sometimes pronounced "PRET-NEAR": in close Proximity;
just about.
** POLKA: the national dance of Wisconsin.
** RUBBERS: protection for your shoes; also known as "G'loshes."
** SCANSIN: the state where Cheeseheads are from.
** SCHMEAR: a card game; also a term used when someone gets beat in a
game of Sheepshead.
** SHEEPSHEAD: another card game.
** SIDE-BY-EACH: used instead of "next to each other."
** SKEETER: Wisconsin's state bird.
** START WIT ME LAST: to forfeit your turn.
** STOP-AND-GO LIGHTS: what everyone else refers to as traffic signals.
** UFF-DAH: (from the untranslatable Norwegian phrase) meaning varies
with severity of incident-from "Oops" to "Criminey" to words
following "Oh-!" often said when you make a really big "boo-boo" and
are in 'deep doggy-doo.'
** UN-THAW: to defrost or thaw.
** WHERE-ABOUTS: locality; proximity; as in, "where-abouts are youse
guys from?"
** UP-NORT: where Wisconsinites go on vacation.
** UP-SIDE-RIGHT: right side up.
** VINCE: the other Green Bay icon who doesn't need a last name for
instant recognition; (see "Bart"). Recently "Brett" and "Reggie" were
also added to this category, "Mark" is currently there, but will
be leaving for six to ten years... refer also to wearing 'blaze
orange' in Mark's case.
** WIH-SKON'-TSUN: the way you can tell the speaker is not a real Wisconsinite.
** YAH-HEY: affirmative, but can be added to reinforce a request.
** YAH-SURE-YOU-BETCHA: yes, you are correct.
** YOU-BETCHA: affirmative, as in "Yah-hey."
** YOUSE: (var. "Yoose") pronoun, second person plural.
** YOOPER: someone from even further up-nort than you
============
When temperatures plunged to 26 degrees below zero Fahrenheit, the
Rockford, Ill., Register Star asked its readers to finish the
sentence, "It was so cold that..." Here are some of the responses:
...you could freeze an egg on the sidewalk.
...I had to go up and break the smoke off my chimney.
...we opened the refrigerator to heat the house.
...when police saw a bank-robbery suspect and said, "Freeze!" he did.
...I saw a 32nd-degree Mason, and he was down to 15.
...when I called home to Arizona, the message caused the cactus to
frost over.
...I let my dog out, and I had to break him loose from the tree.
+++++++++
While traveling through North Dakota one winter day, I
was experiencing what's called a horizontal blizzard.
The snow that had fallen the day before was blowing
across the road.
When I stopped for fuel, I remarked on the condition
to a man at the gas station. He obviously was a local
who had seen a lot of winters.
"Yeah," he said, nodding. We don't get much snow, but
what we do get, we use a lot."
+++++++
Communication is the key to a good marriage, say the experts,
but it may take time to develop. Consider newlyweds Ole and
Lena on their honeymoon trip from their little town in southern
Minnesota.
They are nearing Minneapolis when Ole puts his hand on Lena's
knee. Giggling, Lena says, "Ole, you can go farther than that if
you want to."
So Ole drives to Duluth.
---------
Q: Did you hear about Kankakee, IL's City Hall burning down?
A: Yup... burned right down to both axles!
++++++
Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was
beginning of winter and the lake had just frozen over. Ole
asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the
general store to pick him up some tobacco.
She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on
their tab.
So she walked across, got the tobacco and walked back.
Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money.
He said, "I vasn't goin' to send any money ven I vasn't sure
how tick de ice vas..."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv 
A Texan, Minnesotan, and an Iowan are out riding horses.
The Texan pulls out a bottle of Whiskey, takes a couple of
drinks, and throws the bottle in the air and shoots it.
The Minnesotan asks "Why did you do that for? That was
a perfectly good bottle of Whiskey."
The Texan says, "In Texas, there is plenty of Whiskey and
bottles are cheap."
The Minnesotan not wanting to be outdone pulls out a
bottle of Champagne, takes a couple drinks, then throws
the bottle in the air and shoots it.
The Iowan asks, "What the hell did you do that for?
That was a perfectly good bottle of Champagne!"
The Minnesotan replies, "In Minneapolis we have plenty
of Champagne, and bottles are cheap."
The Iowan also not wanting to be outdone takes out a
bottle of beer, takes a couple drinks, guzzles the rest
of the bottle, then stuffs it in his backpack.
He then pulls out a gun and shoots the Minnesotan.
The Texan, extremely freeked out, asks,
"What in Tarnation did you do that for"?
The Iowan says, "In Iowa we have plenty of
Minnesotans, but bottles are worth a nickel."
++++++++++
A Swede took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar,
an Indian on the next stool spoke to him in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle.
If you can answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink. If you can't, then
you buy ME one. Okay?"
"Ya, dat sounds purty good," said the Swede.
The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child.
It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Swede scratched his head and finally said,
"I give up. Who vas it?"
"It was ME," chortled the Indian.
So the Swede paid for the drinks.
Back in Sioux Falls the Swede went into a bar and spotted
one of his cronies.
"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a qvestion,
I buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU have to buy ME vun.
Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven.
Okay . . . my fadder and mudder had vun child. It vasn't
my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It vas some Indian up in Fargo, Nort Dakoda."
+++++++++ 
Sven & Ole's Computer Glossary
LOG ON - making da vood stove hotter.
LOG OFF - don't add vood.
MONITOR - Keep an eye on da wood stove.
MEGAHERTZ - vhen a big log drops on your
bare foot in da morning.
FLOPPY DISK - what you get from piling
too much vood.
RAM - da hydraulic thin dat makes da
vood splitter vork.
HARD DRIVE - getting home during most
of da vinter.
PROMPT - vhat ya vish da mail vas durin
da snow season.
ENTER - come on in.
WINDOWS - vhat yo shut vhen it gets
10 below zero.
SCREEN - vhat is a must during mosquito
season.
CHIP - vhat yo munch on during da
Viking games.
MICROCHIP - vhats left in da bag vhen da
chips are gone.
MODEM - vhat you did to the hayfields
last July.
DOT MATRIX - Sven Matrix's wife.
LAPTOP - vhere da grand kids sit.
KEYBOARD - vhere ya supposed to put da
keys so da misses can find dem.
SOFTWARE - da plastic picnic utensils.
MOUSE - vhat leaves dem little droppings in da cupboard.
PORT - vhere da big fishin' boats dock.
MAINFRAME - da part of da sauna dat holds up da roof.
DAT'S IT!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
Yooper Night Before Christmas
(Yoopers are the residents of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, also known as the
U.P. Thus the name Yooper for residents of the U. P.)
"Twas da night before Christmas in dis yooper house,
and nottin was stirrin, not even da mouse.
Da rest of da family was all fast asleep
wit visions of pasties, delivered by jeep.
Da swampers was hung by da chimmey wit care.
in hopes dat saint nicholas soon would be dare.
And in da far corner it was lovely to see
da Busch cans and cabbage dat hung from da tree.
Ma home from da mines, and me out on parole,
She's snuggled in bed, I was perched on da bowl.
Den alluva sudden da house starts to shudder,
some nuts on da roof, and he broke da rain gutter!
He jumps down da chimney, and swears cuz its tight,
as I hid behind beer cases way outa sight.
He lands in da fireplace, scorching his hair
on a busted up orange crate still burning in dere.
He climbs out da fireplace and I take a look,
he's just like they show him in my coloring book!
With vodka-glazed eyes and a stomach like bubble,
a five day old beard-and dere's soot on his stubble.
His teeth when he smiles look like Grampa's weed-saw,
He wears tennis shoes-big as a grizzly bear's paws.
Dis old yooper elf gives me nuttin to fear
as he heads for da kitchen for cookies and beer.
He kills off a six-pack den belches and smirks,
den reaches un playDoh sak-ready to work.
Now under da tree he is starting to set
da most beautiful presents us yoopers can get.
Dere's a new pastymatic and snowblower for mother,
a steel chainsaw and AO swampers for brother.
Some mud flaps, CB, and new-used weedwacker,
a helmet and nightshirt dat say "Green Bay Packer".
He close up da sack and he jumps in da coals,
And hollering "OUCH"-up da chimney he goes!
He grunted and groaned as he tossed out his bag,
and cracked such a beer fart(ugh) I'm starting to gag.
I must watch him leave, so I scooted outside,
to look up at da roof while in da bushes I hide.
And what does I see when I looks tru da twigs?
a rusty old Chevy-being pulled by eight pigs!
Santy jumped in his Chevy and gave em all hell,
"let's go all yous pigs, don't just sit dere and smell!
On Mushy and Pushy and Lempi and Joe,
and all a yous others whose names I don't know.
Fly over Negaunee and turn to da right,
we make Houghton-Hancock before it get light."
Then I hear him exclaim with a cynical snear,
"Pull in dat pabst sign, I run outta beer!"
++++++++++++
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to
marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he
Started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his
mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so
you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you
want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for
the man's opinion.
Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can
hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man! date one of the other girls;
so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
“Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can
hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if
things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just
perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he
was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can
imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could
happen considering the parents.
Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that
you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
++++++++
OLE lived in North Dakota, then moved to Minnesota and bought a donkey
from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey
the next day.
The following day, the farmer drove up and said, "I'm sorry, but I have
some bad news - the donkey died last night."
"Well, den" said Ole, "Jus'
give my money back den."
"I can't do that, sir. I spent it already."
"OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey."
"What are you gonna do with him?"
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Norskie!"
"Well dat's where
you're wrong. You wait you an' you'll learn how smart we Norskies are!
A
month later, the farmer ran into Ole and asked, "What happened with that
dead donkey?"
"I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars each and
made $998.""Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
++++++++++++
The following humor is R-Rated. If you might be offended,
click here!
R-rated Midwest Humor:
The only cow in a small town in southern Minnesota stopped giving milk. The
farmers did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Illinois for
$2000, or one from Iowa for $1000. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Iowa.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people
were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like
it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought
a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the
bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the
bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in
his quest.
The people were quite upset and decided to ask an old rabbi, who was very wise,
what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull
approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves
forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from
the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from
Iowa?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had
gotten the cow.
"You are very astute," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Iowa?"
The rabbi sighed and answered, "My wife is from Iowa."
-----------------------
There was this city slicker from Chicago who was visiting a
cousin in Kankakee, Illinois.
He asked his cousin, "What the hell do you people DO around
here?"
The cousin answered, "Hunt 'n fuck."
"WHAT??!! What do you hunt?"
The redneck cousin replied, "Sumpthin to fuck."
--------------------------------------------
Rufus and Willieanna were drivin down the road one day and
suddenly Rufus slams on the brakes, throws Willieanna in the
back seat and starts to jump on top of her.
Willieanna says, "Rufus! Rufus! What you gonna do?"
Rufus replies, "I'm gonna fuck yo pussy."
Willieanna said, "No! No! Rufus. You cain't--I gots my
period."
Rufus says, "Shi-it", and drive on down the road.
A few minutes later, he slams on the brakes again and throws
her in the back seat once more, only this time on her stomach.
"Rufus! What you gonna do now?" asked Willieanna.
"I gonna fuck you in the asshole," replied Rufus.
"No! No! Rufus. You cain't--I gots the hemorrhoids" says
Willieanna.
Rufus says, "Shi-it," and drives on down the road some more.
Finally, he slams on the brakes once again, gets out of the
car, opens the trunk and takes out a tire iron.
"Rufus! Rufus! What you gonna do now?" asked Willieanna.
"I gonna beat yo fuckin head in if you tells me you gots
locks jaw!"
+++++++++
Q: What do you call three blacks at a skinhead barbecue?
A: Kankakee Fried Nigger!
++++++++
The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he
only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took
out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi.
She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew
a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so
they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.
They went to several night-clubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a
picture of a four-poster bed.
He was dumbfounded, and has never been able to understand how she knew
he was in the furniture business !!!
++++++++
Olga and Olie were applying for a wedding license and were
answering questions asked by the clerk.
"Olga, how old are you?"
Olga answered, "I am going to be tventy one in Yanuary."
Next the clerk asked, "Olga, how tall are you?"
Responding, Olga stated, "I'm yust about six feet tall."
"And how much do you weigh, Olga?"
"I weigh yust about 185 pounds."
"Wow," exclaimed the clerk. "You're big enough to play with the
Green Bay Packers."
"Oh no," answered Olga, "I yust play with Olie's packer."
++++++++
Q: What's the difference between a cheesehead and a dickhead?
A: The Illinois state line.
++++++
Sven and Olga were on their way to their honeymoon, driving
near Minneapolis. Sven suddenly placed his hand on Olga’s
knee. Olga, who was wearing a short skirt, smiled and
told Sven, "You can go farther up if you
like", so Sven went up to Duluth.
+++++++++
 
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash, put a roast in the oven,
then went downtown to pick up some dry-cleaning.
"Gudness, it's hot," she mused as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a
tavern and thought, "vy nodt?" Helga sat at the bar, and the bartender asked her
what she would have. Helga
said, "Ya know, it's so hot, I tink I'll haff myself a cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anhauser Busch?" Helga, surprised, replied,
"Vell fine, tanks. Undt how's your pecker?"
++++++++++
There is a town in Illinois named Beecher. The local butcher
shop is called Beecher Meat.
There is also a tool and die company in Beecher. It is named
Beecher Tool and Die.
++++++++
Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went
every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on
Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one
of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in
the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine
looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the
collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how
about you and me go to dinner in Westby next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he
polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up
and took her to the finest restaurant in Westby. When they
sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena,
vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday
School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until
after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out
a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you
like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday
School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got
in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the
Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had
nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like
to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right
then and there across the median and everything, and drove
back to the motel and checked in vith Lena. The next morning
Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed,
her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done?
Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke
up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat
are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't
have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"
~~~~~
OLE TOOK HELGA HOME WITH HIM AND TOOK OFF HIS SHIRT.
HELGA SAYS, "OLE DAT'S SOME CHEST YOU HAVE DARE."
OLE SAYS, "HELGA, DAT'S A HUNNERT SEVENTY POUNDS OF DYNAMITE."
NEXT OLE TOOK OFF HIS PANTS.
HELGA SAYS, "OLE DAT'S NICE CALVES YOU HAVE DARE."
OLE SAYS, "HELGA DAT'S A HUNNERT SEVENTY POUNDS OF DYNAMITE."
OLE QUICKLY REACHED DOWN AND PULLED OFF HIS UNDERPANTS AND HELGA
SCREAMED AND RAN OUT THE DOOR.
OLE PUT HIS CLOTHES BACK ON & RAN AFTER HER.
CATCHING HER, OLE SAID, "HELGA, VIY DID YOU RUN OUT LIKE DAT?"
HELGA SAID,"VITH ALL DAT DYNAMITE AROUND, I TAUGHT IT VAS GOING TO
EXPLODE VEN I SAW HOW SHORT DA FUSE VAS
++++++
Olga and Olie were applying for a wedding license and were answering
questions asked by the clerk.
"Olga, how old are you?"
Olga answered, "I am going to be tventy one in Yanuary."
Next the clerk asked, "Olga, how tall are you?"
Responding, Olga stated, "I'm yust about six feet tall."
"And how much do you weigh, Olga?"
"I weigh yust about 185 pounds."
"Wow," exclaimed the clerk. "You're big enough to play with the Green
Bay Packers."
"Oh no," answered Olga, "I yust play with Olie's packer."
++++++
Sven & Ole, a couple of Norwegians now living in Minnesota, head for the
fair in Duluth. The first thing to catch Sven's eye is the big double
Ferris wheel. "Oh, Ole," he says, "vould you look at dat. I've always
vanted to go on von of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von."
Ole, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, "Oh, I don't tink
so. Dat looks kind of dangerous to me."
"Vell," says Sven,"you give me yust von gud reason vhy you von't go vit me on
dat ride."
Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so up they went. Ole had to
admit after the ride that it was kind of fun.
After another 10 or 15 minutes, they came to the roller coaster. "Oh
Ole," says Sven, "Vould you look at dat. Dat's von fine looking roller
coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride on dat."
"Oh, I don't tink so," says Ole. "Dat looks very dangerous to me."
"Vell," says Sven. "You giff me yust von gud reason vhy you von't go vit me on
dat roller coaster."
Again Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so they both went up on the roller
coaster. Ole had to admit after the ride that it wasn't so bad.
After another 10 minutes or so, they came to the bungee jump. "Uffda!"
exclaimed Sven. "Vill you yust look at dat, Ole. Dose people yump off
dat big tower vit nuttink but a rubber band tied to dare ankles. Dat
looks like so much fun. Come on, let's go do it."
"Oh, I don't tink so," says Ole. "Dat's much too dangerous. Dis is vare I draw
da line."
"Vell," says Sven, "you giff me yust von good reason vhy you von't
go up on dat tower and yump off vit me."
"Ya, I give you a good reason," says Ole. "I came into dis vorld because of a
broken rubber and, by jimminy, I'm not going to leave it dat vay."
++++++++   
Other Regional U. S. Humor:
South
Rednecks You
May Be a Redneck If...
MidWest
West
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