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NorthEastern United States Regional
Humor
The Missing
Maine
Wife
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident off the
coast of
Maine
, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced State Troopers..
"We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about
your wife," said one of the Troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.
The Troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad
news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear
first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad
news first."
The second Trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this
morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he
asked, "What's the good news?"
The Trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6
twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."
Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news,
what's the great news???"
The Trooper answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow!
"
++++
Forget Rednecks ...
here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders...
*If someone in a Home
Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there,
you live in New England.
*If you've worn shorts
and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.
*If you've had a
lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong
number, you live in New England.
*If 'Vacation' means
going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you
live in New England.
*If you measure
distance in hours, you live in New England.
*If you know several
people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New
England.
*If you have switched
from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you
live in New England.
*If you can drive 75
mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard
without flinching, you live in New England.
*If you install
security lights on your house and garage, but leave both
unlocked, you live in New England.
*If you carry jumpers
in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in
New England.
*If you design your
kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in
New England.
*If the speed limit on
the highway is 55 mph you're going 80 and everybody is
passing you, you live in New England.
*If driving is better
in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you
live in New England *
*If you know all 4
seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road
construction, you live in New England.
*If you have more
miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New
England.
*If you find 10
degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England.
*If there's a Dunkin
Donuts on every corner, you live in New England.
*If you actually
understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England
friends & others, you live or have lived in New England.
+++++   
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her
car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the
window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your
load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for
another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up
and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've
never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the
blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker
lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing
some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When
he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the
blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is George, it's winter in Maine and I'm driving a SALT TRUCK!"
+++++++
A Winter Wonderland
New Jersey Style
Driver's swear ..... are you listenin',
At the Mall .....folks are bitchin',
A miserable sight ..... they're sorry tonite,
Drivin' in New Jersey's Traffic Land!
Gone away ...... are your tires,
meter has ...... just expired,
They towed you away, while you shopped today,
Parkin' in New Jersey's Traffic Land!
On the Parkway we will have a breakdown,
We'll be stuck and threatened on the side,
If we're lucky, muggers might come mug us,
And if we plead they may give us a ride!
Santa's sleigh ..... was impounded,
All the Elves ...... were surrounded,
He's now in a cell .... for ringin' his bell,
Living in New Jersey's Traffic Land!
+++++++
A Texan is bragging to a New Yorker. "In Texas," he
drawls, "you can get on a train, ride all day long,
and still be in Texas by nightfall."
"Yeah", replies the Yankee, "We have slow trains in
New York too."
-------
While vacationing on Cape Cod, my wife and I stopped at a
small way-side stand and bought some tomatoes. When I
commented how small they were, the proprietor's reply was
"Ay-up."
Returning a day or two later, my wife told the man the
tomatoes he had sold us were tough and not very flavorful.
The old gentleman nodded, looked at us a moment, then
said, "Lucky they was small, ain't it?"
++++++++++
Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New
York contractor, was standing on the deck of the
Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him
into the river where he drowned.
The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in
deepest black, was standing on the church steps after
Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute
of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up.
"I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the
friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?"
"Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half
million dollars."
"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read
or write."
"Nor swim either," added the widow.
++++++++++++
While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a
motorist noted a cop, apparently waist deep in snow, directing
traffic. Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out "I'm
sorry you have to work half buried in the snow."
The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for
my horse!"
+++++++
39 ways to tell youre a New Yorker
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about "the best" way to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but
can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You never pronounce the letter "R."
5. The subway makes sense.
6. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
7. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes
you multilingual.
8. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple."
9. Your door has more than three locks.
10. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
11. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
12. You call an 8-by-10-foot plot of patchy grass a yard.
13. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Wapner.
14. You think Central Park is "nature."
15. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
16. You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think
it's a "steal."
17. You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
18. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in
rent.
19. You haven't seen more than 12 stars in the night sky since you went away to
camp as a kid.
20. You go to dinner at 9pm and head out to the clubs when most Americans are
heading to bed.
21. Your closet is filled with black clothes.
22. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when
you did it terrified you.
23. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
24. You take fashion seriously.
25. Being truly alone makes you nervous.
26. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
27. Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."
28. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
29. You have jaywalking down to an art form.
30. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
31. You haven't cooked a meal since helping mom last Thanksgiving.
32. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
33. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
34. $50 worth of groceries fits in one paper bag.
35. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
36. You don't hear sirens anymore.
37. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air quality and what
it's doing to your lungs.
38. You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
39. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli,
your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite
bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch-seller on your
corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is
Indian, and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.
+++++++++++++++ 
Long Island Driving Rules
1. A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many
people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the
left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in
before hitting the orange construction barrels.
2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island
driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between
you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by
somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is
considered "going with the flow."
5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance
you have of getting hit.
6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork.
7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake
pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to
stretch your legs.
8. Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after
you pass the last exit before the backup.
9. Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful
information. They are only there to make Long Island look high-tech,
and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on
the median.
10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions,
and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
12. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up
or move over doesn't mean that a Long Island driver flashing his high
beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone
is just changing a tire.
14. Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and
gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.
15. It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be
followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or
the beach.
16. Learn to swerve abruptly. Long Island is the home of high-speed
slalom driving thanks to potholes.
17. It is traditional in Long Island to honk your horn at cars that
don't move the instant the light changes.
18. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of
way, except in Garden City where it acts as an invitation to duel or
play chicken.
19. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and
left before proceeding. In Long Island it is common to stop and then
decide which direction to turn.
20. Remember that the goal of every Long Island driver is to get
there first, by whatever means necessary.
21. Real Long Island female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye
makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour
during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
22. Real Long Island male drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye
makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour
during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
23. Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of
the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way
of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards,
and new vehicle sales.
++++++++ 
A Texan was visiting a Maine farmer ("fahmah").
The Texas rancher was boasting to his host
about the size of his spread: "I can get into my
pickup truck and drive all day and still not reach
the boundary of my ranch," he bragged.
The Mainer shook his head knowingly, and replied,
"Aayuhh, I had a truck like that once."
++++++
ARE NORTHERNERS "BLUE NECKS"?
By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some
takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF:
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what Moon Pie is.
6. You've never had an RC Cola.
7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on
road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same
prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own
TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them
"you guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your
university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an
onramp to the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
24. You call binoculars "opera glasses."
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the
road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an appliquιd sweatshirt.
27. You don't know what appliquι is.
28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (I.e. Joe Bob, Faye
Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Billie Ruth, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)
29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
31. You can do your laundry without quarters.
32. None of your fur coats are homemade
+++++++++ 
You're in New York when . . .
* You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
* You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
* You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to
Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
* You think Central Park is "nature."
* You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you
multi-lingual.
* You've even worn out a car horn.
* You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
+++++++++
The following are purported to be actual comments made by NYC teachers on their
report cards as part of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded!
1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out
1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
+++++++ 
You know you are from PA if
..
1. You have an uncontrollable urge to buy bread and milk when you hear the word,
"snow."
2. You say the correct pronunciation LANG-kist-er instead of the
mispronounced Lan-CAST-er, and LEB-en-in instead of the equally incorrect Leb-a-NON,
not to mention New Tri-POL-i instead of the incorrect New TRIP-o-li.
3. You know the only way to make good fastnachts is to cook them in LARD.
4. You live within two miles of a plant that makes potato chips, corn chips,
pretzels, candy or ice cream or that packages turkeys, beans or bologna.
5. You ask the waitress for "dippy eggs" for breakfast.
6. You do things "once," as in, "I'll go check in the back room once."
7. You can stop along the road to buy fruit, vegetables or crafts on the "honor
system."
8. You know what REAL pot pie is.
9. YOUR turkey has "filling," not "stuffing" and most certainly NOT
"dressing."
10. You know that chicken corn soup from a firehouse is the most perfect food on
earth.
11. Your neighbors' names are Driebelbis, Stoltzfus, Lebo, Peachey, Yoder, or
anything ending in "-baugh" or "-ouch."
12. You say things like, "Outen the lights," "I'm calling off today" and
"They're calling for snow."
13. You've heard of distelfinks and hex signs.
14. Red Beet Eggs makes your list of top ten favorite foods.
15. You pronounce "Suite" as SUIT, not SWEET.
16. You say you're going out to the shed "AWHILE," instead of "FOR AWHILE."
17. You only buy your beer and soda by the case.
18. You think the roads in any other state are smooth.
19. You know the Penn State cheer. (WE ARE
PENN STATE!)
20. Hearing horses clopping down a paved street doesn't bring you to the window
to see what's going on outside.
21. You never see any Confederate flags except on the Gettysburg
battlefield.
22. You prefer Hershey's chocolate to Godiva.
23. You consider Pittsburgh to be "out west," and you know the fastest way to
Philly is the Turnpike.
24. School closings due to snow take the radio stations half an hour to
finish because just about every town has its own school district.
25. When someone says 1972, you think, "Agnes," and when someone says 1979, you
think, "TMI."
26. You call sloppy joes "barbecue."
27. You think Medium Rare equals Well Done.
28. When it snows, they put cinders on the roads instead of sand.
29. You can give directions to Intercourse with a straight face.
30. You only own three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
31. You have ten favorite recipes for venison.
32. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
33. The local paper covers National and International headlines on one page, but
requires six pages for local sports.
34. You think the start of deer hunting is a national holiday.
35. You find -20F "a little" chilly.
36. You remember fondly days of youth known as, "Snow Days."
37. Words like: gumband, buggie, hoagie, chipped beef, scrapple, actually mean
something to you.
38. You can use the phrase, "Firehall Wedding," and not even bat an eye.
39. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Pennsylvania
friends.
++++++++ 
The Top 13 Brooklyn Weight Loss Slogans
13> That Track Suit Ain't Fooling Anyone, Rocco
12> Brooklyn: Turning Coney Island into Bony Island
11> Hungry? Swallow THIS!
10> Manhattan Bakes it, Brooklyn Takes it!
9> Get Healthy AND Be Harder to Hit from 200 Yards!
8> Fuggetdabutta
7> If You Ever Want to See Your Kid Again, Try the Yogurt
6> A Lap Dance is Better When You Actually Have a Lap
5> Put the "Thin" Back in "Brooklyn" (I Know It Don't Make
No Sense -- You Got a Problem with That?)
4> Try Our Pound-for-Pound Plan: We'll Pound You for Every
Pound You Weigh
3> Give Us a Week -- If You Don't Take Off the Weight, We'll
Take it Off for Youse
2> Because Face it, in Brooklyn, Aerobic Exercise is Extending
Our Middle Finger
and the Number 1 Brooklyn Weight Loss Slogan...
1> It's Your Choice: Either the Subway Diet or the
Pushed-onto-the-Subway Diet
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
++++++++++
Two ageing pranksters are facing fines and jail for
repeatedly letting off "fart spray" in a New Jersey
Supermarket.
Shoppers fled after jokester Rally Ranallo and Warren
Hills kept polluting the store with the smelly spray.
The pair were convicted of disorderly conduct and
fined $350 by a court in Franklin Township. They must
also choose between a month jail or 90 days community
service and were warned not to do it again.
One witness "It smelled like somebody had let a real
stinker in there. It was pretty nasty."
Ranallo, 67, and Hills, 70, had sprayed the offending
fumes inside the ShopRite supermarket. Similar
occurrences had surfaced in the past when the pair
were in the supermarket.
Cans of fart spray and a fart machine was found on
the men.
++++++++++ 
A construction boss in Boston is interviewing men when along comes a guy named
Vinny from New York. I'm not hiring any wise-ass New Yorker, the foreman thinks,
so he makes up a test hoping that Vinny won't be able to answer the questions,
and he'll be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.
"Here's your first question," the foreman says, "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains? Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes
nine. Faghedaboutit......"
"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
rules, but this time get the number 99."
Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn
and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy."
The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"
Vinny says "Each a da tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n
dirty tree - dat's 99."
The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the guy, so he says,
"All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100."
Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes a
little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert."
The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you
think that represents 100!"
Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the trees. "A
little doggie comes along and takes a shit on each a dem trees, so now ya got
dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd - which
makes a hundred.
Bada bing, bada boom, when do I freakin' start?"
++++++
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a NYC subway when a beggar
approaches them, asking for spare change. Frank rejects the man in disgust. Matt
on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and hands
it over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend's naivetι. "What on earth did you do that
for?!?! You know he's only going to use it on cheap alcohol"
Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
+++++
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge
looked down at the man and then at the charges and then
down at the little man in amazement.
"Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he
asked the man. "I'm a mathematician dealing in the laws
of nature."
"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.
"Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted
and went to take them out. They told me my library card had
expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration
office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another
card. And I got back in line for my card."
"And?" said the judge.
"And he asked 'Can you prove you're from New York City?'
....So I stabbed him."
+++++++
I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan.
I'd finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on
the job.
How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it.
A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear end and asked the second
most stupid question I've ever heard, "Are you reading that paper?"
I stood up, turned the page, sat right back down on the paper and answered,
"Yes."
++++++++
A child living in Kentucky asks his mother about their Boston relatives. "Why
do they talk so funny? They always sound like their noses are stuffy."
"Well, everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we
sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."
"Oh, no!", the boy answered. "You mean they hear funny too?"
+++++ 
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the
same day. One was from New York, another from Texas,
and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard
asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied
that they were contractors the guard said, 'Hey, we need
one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a
look at it and give me a bid?'
So to the back fence they all went.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out
his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said,
'Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for
materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.'
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape
measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said,
'Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials,
$300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.'
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said,
'$2,700.'
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, 'You didn't
even measure like the other guys! How did you come up
with such a high figure?'
'Easy,' he whispered to the guard. '$1,000 for you, $1,000
for me, and we hire the guy from Texas!'
----------------------------------
"This is the Explorer's Club."
"Do you explore?"
"My man, I explored the four corners of the earth. I have been
buffeted by the people of Arabia. I have battled the people of
all lands - Spaniards, Greeks, Frenchmen, Russians, Scandinavians,
Armenians, Lithuanians, and Asiatics. I have single-handedly
battled my way through all the peoples of the earth."
"Well, what's wonderful about that? I battle my way through all
them people every time I go into the subway."
+++++
You Know Youve Lived in New York for Too Long When
1. You get very annoyed with out-of-towners who think the
subway is unsafe.
2. You actively avoid bars that people from the outer
boroughs frequent.
3. You figure that a date costs at least $200.
4. You have not seen a bank teller in several years, because
your idea of going to the bank is using the ATM at your
corner deli.
5. You haven't smelled grass clippings in over a year.
6. You haven't "called shotgun" in a long, long time.
7. You think that New Jersey seems really far away.
8. You plot the Barney's Warehouse Sale on your calendar.
9. You have over two month's rent in credit card debt, but
you still eat out every night.
10. Your give out your cell phone number to people you meet,
because that is the best way to reach you.
11. You have stayed out later than 4 am on a Monday or a
Tuesday night.
12. Your passport gets more use than your driver's license.
13. You are ashamed to be assigned a 646 area code.
14. You can't imagine eating dinner before 8 o'clock at night.
15. Not one of your adult friends is married, has a car, owns
an apartment, or aspires to any of the above.
16. You think nothing of a man in leather pants.
17. Your childhood bedroom is bigger than your current
apartment, but your rent costs more than your parents'
mortgage payment.
18. At least one meal each week consists solely of drinks,
olives, and nuts.
19. You eat Thai, Vietnamese, Indian and sushi at least once
each week.
20. You tell everyone you love NY because of the cultural
institutions, but can't remember the last time you set foot in
museum or theater.
21. You spend $10 to see a movie.
22. You take $150 with you every night you go out: $20 for
cabs, $20 for cover, $60 for dinner, and $50 for drinks.
23. You have gone out on 3 dates with 3 different people in
the same week, but haven't spoken to any of them since.
24. You wear Prada shoes, Gucci sunglasses, a Cartier watch,
and cashmere, but claim to be poor.
25. You think the only places you could ever live are New
York, Paris, London, San Francisco or on an island in the
Caribbean.
+++++++++++++
You Know You're From Maine When...
"Vacation" means going to Bangor for the weekend.
You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular in Boston.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit a moose more than once.
Your classes were canceled because of snow.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You use a down comforter in the summer.
Your grandparents drive at 100/km per hour through 13 feet of snow.. and raging
blizzard
without flinching.
You plan your financial future around bingo.
You see people wear hunting clothes at social events
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major four food groups as moose meat, beer, fish and berries.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
There are 4 empty cars running in the parking lot at the convenience store at
any given time.
You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction.
It takes 3 hours to go to the mall for one item even when you're in a rush
because you have to
stop and talk to everyone in town.
You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from
Maine.
++++++++ 
Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
++++++
New York Driving Rules
Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island
driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.
Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between
you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled
in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered
"going with the flow."
The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance
you have of getting hit.
Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensurhat your
ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake
pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance
to stretch your legs.
Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful
information. They are only there to make Long Island look
high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police
radar car parked on the median.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions,
and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident,
or even if someone is just changing a tire.
Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and
gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.
It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed
may be followed in the event you need to make up a few
minutes on your way to work, or the beach.
Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any
of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are
God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body
shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
+++++++ 
Signs You Might Be A Yankee
1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2) You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY.
3) You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.
4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5) You don't know what a moon pie is.
6) You've never had grain alcohol.
7) You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9) You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are
on road trips.
10) You have no idea what a polecat is.
11) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12) You don't have bangs.
13) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of
the same prep school in Connecticut.
15) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own
TV fishing show.
16) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call
them "You guys," even if both of them are women.
17) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
18) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
19) You think more money should go to important scientific research at your
university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20) You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
21) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an
on-ramp on the highway.
22) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at
Neiman-Marcus.
24) You call binoculars opera glasses.
25) You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
of the road and stopping
26) You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
27) You don't know what applique is.
28) You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy
Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
29) You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make
one.
30) You've never been to a craft show.
31) You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
32) You can't do your laundry without quarters.
33) None of your fur coats are homemade.
++++++++ 
You Know You're in Maine:
If you own more than four pair of gloves.
If every other vehicle is a 4X4.
If camping is allowed it's only in steel sided campers.
If, when the sun goes down, you start looking for your coat.
If in March your vehicle is 43% mud.
If you leave your keys in your car and the next morning your car is still there.
If you're on the shoulder of the highway with your hood up and somebody stops to
help you.
If you can pay for six big macs with a personal check.
If drive by shootings only occur on the evening news.
If your central heating system is fueled by large logs.
If you see numerous chauffeur-driven dogs.
If you can see the stars at night.
If people drive 100 miles to shop in a real mall.
If a deer throws itself under your wheels.
If you got a set of new snow tires for Valentines day.
If more than 1/2 the meat in your freezer is moose.
If the term "chill factor" is part of your daily vocabulary.
If the bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.
If you only paid $5 to cut down your own douglas fir christmas tree.
If you enjoy a hot chocolate more than you do a margarita.
If a girls basketball game fill's the school gym.
If you put the car heater on your list of best friends.
If you pawned a snow blower instead of a set of golf clubs.
If dressing up means wearing a tie with your flannel shirt.
If you think you're in a traffic jam when you're in the second car at the light.
If you don't use your blinker because everyone already knows where you're going.
If your long john's don't come off until mid-May . . .
If you and your friend across town complain about a skunk smell from a roadkill...and
it's the same skunk.
If, after you gassed up the Chevy, you realized your wallet was at home and you
heard:
"Just stop by when you can."
If the only people who can afford a lobster dinner are the tourists.
If you spend your weekends "sailing" ..... garage "sale"ing.
If your "luxury vehicle" is a twelve-year-old rustbucket on wheels.
If your dog eats better than you do, and more often too.
If you never say what you paid for an item but how much you "give" for it.
If every time you get married, you still have the same in-laws!
If you ever used the word "some" to mean "very": [Hey, pa, that is some nice car
you got!]
If you can most always write on your pick-up truck window with your finger.
If your wife weighs more than your pick-up.
If your best fancy dress is a formal gown, grandma's pearls and LL Bean boots.
If you can eat a frozen popsicle stick to warm up your mouth in the wintah.
or . . . .
If you plan a vacation to a place with natural scenic beauty and then you
remember you
don't even need to leave home . . .
. . . then you're in Maine.
++++++++ 
Signs You're Really from Maine
If you don't understand these, you're definitely "From Away!"
You've had arguments over the comparative quality of Fried Dough.
When it snows four inches you call it "a dusting."
Your neighbor's house was foreclosed after an unlucky 24 hour mini-cruise on
the Scotia Prince.
You don't understand why there aren't fried clam shacks elsewhere in the
country.
You know what an Irving is and the location of 15 of them.
You knew all the flavors at Perry's Nut House.
Your car is covered in yellow-green dust in May.
You can smell and know when it's low tide.
You still wear a Red Sox cap even though they stink.
You can drive the Augusta traffic circle without slowing down.
You won't take a Sunday drive in August because the roads are too crowded with
tourists.
You've hung out at a gravel pit.
You think a mosquito could be a species of bird.
You once skipped school and went to Bar Harbor, Old Orchard Beach or Reid
State Park.
You say the word "water" weird.
Even your school cafeteria made good chowder.
You've almost fallen asleep driving between Houlton and Presque Isle.
You've packed the family in the car and been to the Fryeburg Fair.
You don't need the Red Lobster chain to get fresh seafood.
You know how to pronounce Calais.
You've made a meal out of a Jordan's red dye hot-dog, a bag of Humpty Dumpty
potato chips and a can of Moxie.
You've gone to a Grange bean supper.
In high school, you (or a friend) packed Deering Ice Cream cones.
At least once in your life, a seagull pooped on your head.
At least once in your life you've said, "It smells like the mill in here."
You've waited for that darned drawbridge for more than ten minutes.
There's a fruit and vegetable stand within 10 minutes of your house.
You are proudly from Maine and won't take grief from anybody with New Jersey
or Mass. license plates on their car.
You crave Italian sandwiches at least weekly.
Your idea of a traffic jam is being the second car at the stoplight.
You wonder out loud if the state can just close its borders to people from
away.
You think it's weird to join a bicycling "club."
Your house converts to a B&B every July and August for people from away that
you happen to know.
All year long you're tracking sand in the house -- from the beach in the
summer and the roads and sidewalks in the winter.
You know everyone in town, and are related to half of them.
You have a front door but no porch to get to it!
Your kids start using "wicked" as a multipurpose part of speech!
You have to have the sand cleaned out of your brake system every spring.
You've had to call your husband at least once to use his four wheel drive
truck to push/pull/hoist your car out of the driveway during the January thaw.
You know the phrase "park the cah in hahvard yahd" well
You've never been out front, you've always been down back
You do the majority of your shopping out of Uncle Henry's
You've ditched the car on the side of the road some where because you thought
you saw some good fiddleheads!
If you've had a vacation from school just to help the family pick potatoes
If you've cut your own Christmas tree from the woods 'down back'
If you know, but won't tell, the whereabouts of the best trout stream in the
county or if you know the fish don't bite until the apple trees are in bloom
If you know a lobster pot is a trap, not a kettle
.If you know not to plant tender crops until the last full moon in May
you have a lobster trap as a decoration on your front lawn
you've only ever bought one pair of L.L Bean boots (you have returned them
every year for new ones)
When you go to the dump and bring back more than you brought
You've ever given directions to someone from "away" and intentionally led them
in the opposite direction they wanted to go
You think "formal" event means that you have to wear khakis and the "good"
flannel.
When the temperature hits 50 you're out in shorts and a tee-shirt, laughing at
the chilly "Flatlanders"
You watch "Murder she Wrote" and snicker at the stupid fake accents
You know how to find the rope swing at the quarry.
You take the New Hampshire toll personally
You have contributed $1 for gas (and that was plenty).
You feel really really good when you cross the Piscatiqua River bridge into
Kittery.
You always wave when you see a Maine license plate in another state.
When a roll of Duct tape and a can of flat black spray paint will get you car
to pass inspection.
When your yard sale lasts for 6 months.
When you know how to avoid all the traffic at the Fryeburg Fair by using the
"Secret Entrance".
When you have to replace you mailbox yearly because of the town plow.
When you buy all major appliances in New Hampshire.
When know how to get from Cumberland to Fryeburg via the "Egypt Road".
When you can remember when the "Egypt Road" was a dirt track through the
woods.
When you know that there was a "secret door" on the first landing at the
original L.L. Bean store.
When you're supposed to dress up, you wear a flannel with a tie.
You know that Moody's Diner does NOT take credit cards!
You actually miss the fifteen below zero mornings in winter that have been
eliminated by the greenhouse effect because you enjoyed running or walking to
work in the silent crystal stillness, punctuated by an idling car engine as the
owner waited indoors for the car to warm up before his mad dash from warmth to
wamth, and your lungs did not freeze; thank you very much for your concern.
When the word "stove" refers to what you did to the right front fender of your
truck after you've had a wicked bring-up on a rock.
When there's too much "stuff" in your 2 "cah" garage to get either of your
cars into it.
When you dress up, and white socks are all you've got, so of course you wear
them.
When you know what a frappe is.
When you know the smell of Woodsmens fly dope
You know that duct tape can fix anything.
++++++++++
Original Message-----
Issued by the Maine Department of Tourism to ALL visiting
Urbanites
1) Don't come up here and order Idaho potatoes or spiny
lobsters. Doing so can get your ass kicked.
2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns like
Piscataquis, Bingham, Penobscot, Rome, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your
ass.
3) Don't order a bottle or a can of Pop here. Up here it's
called tonic. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than
you. We are also better educated and generally a lot
nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or hillbillies, we'll kick
your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a
living up here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from
time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in
order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their
ass.
6) Don't laugh at our love of H.S. sports. Doing so can lead to an ass
kicking.
7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell
up. Just spend your money at the ski lodge or at the snowmobile rental place,
then get the hell back to Massachusetts or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner.
Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat
your steak well-done like God intended and have some
potatoes with that, for heaven's sake!
9) Don't try to fake a Maine accent. We don't have an
accent. Say we do and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home
because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city
hell-holes like Boston, New York, and Miami and we have the scars to prove it.
If you don't like it here, Delta Airlines has seats available . Move your ass on
home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know that ice fishing is "not your thing." We
don't care. If you don't understand the beauty of being out on a lake when it's
minus 30 degrees then you should go home and try fishing in Boston Harbor. Also,
don't hog the heater in the fish house or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that Maine has too many trees or is too
hilly. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your
flatlander ass all the way back to Massachusetts.
13) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when
spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks
because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around
our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into
your ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or losers because many of us
live on farms or fish for a living? That's because we have
enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested
cesspools like Boston, New York or Miami Make fun of us and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the forest
land should be preserved as one big
national park. This will get your ass shot off (right after
it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home
in a pine box - Minus your ass.
Enjoy your visit to Maine
++++++++++ 
My friend Judy was working at a Maine costal resort when she answered a call for
information about the inn. After finishing the
conversation, Judy stepped away from the desk. When the phone rang again, a
student intern took the call.
"I forgot to ask something." the caller said, "How are the rooms
appointed?"
"Well, six of them are appointed west," the student said, "and the
rest are appointed east."
++++++++++
New Englander's Temperature Conversion Chart
Here's a New Englander's Temperature Conversion Chart
which relates >temperatures in Fahrenheit to various human behaviors:
60 above: New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
People in New England plant gardens.
50 above: Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in New England sunbathe.
40 above: Italian & English cars won't start.
People in New England drive with the windows down.
32 above: Distilled water freezes.
Moosehead Lake's water gets thicker.
20 above: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear,
gloves, wool hats.
People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above: New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0 degrees: People in Miami all die...
New Englanders close the windows.
10 below: Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in New England get out their winter coats.
25 below: Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.
40 below: Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in New England let the dogs sleep indoors.
100 below: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
New Englanders get frustrated because they can't start the "kah".
460 below: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on
the Kelvin scale).
People in New England start saying..."Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below: Hell freezes over.
New England Patriots win the Super Bowl again
and The Red Sox win the World Series.
+++++++++
The following North Eastern Humor is R-Rated. To avoid
these jokes click on any of these pages:
South
Rednecks You
May Be a Redneck If...
MidWest
West
 
R-Rated North Eastern U. S. Humor:
Pat O'Leary left for Philadelphia where he found a job on a
building site. When payday rolled around, Pat went out on
the town, got drunk as a goat and spent the night with a
prostitute. The following day Pat decided to go to confession
and tell all. When the priest heard his confession he told
Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty
decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box.
Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was
leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of work
there and the money to be made was more than twice what
could be made in Philly. After a little coaxing, Pat decides
to go with Rory.
At the end of his first week on his new job, Pat's wages were
more than double anything he'd made before. Off he goes for
a night on the town. He gets drunk as a lord and spends the
night with a prostitute. Morning remorse sets in and Pat goes
to Mission Dolores for confession. After hearing Pat's con-
fession, the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father's
and drop a dollar in the poor box.
"But, Father, I did the same thing in Philly and had to say
twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the
Rosary and I had to fork over $20."
"Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know about
drinkin' and fuckin ' in Philadelphia!"
++++++
A man rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on
the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the
apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
He smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they
talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under
the robe. Poor guy breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After
a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my
apartment, I hear someone coming."
He precedes her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans
against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, "What
would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed guy stammers, clears his throat several times, and
finally squeaks out "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and
they're all mine! My butt; it's firm, doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at
this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's
name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, he stammers, "Outside when you said you heard
someone coming, THAT WAS ME!"
+++++++++
Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that
Thomass mother could meet Tamara for the first time.
Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas
and asked if there was a problem, as Thomass mother
seemed to be avoiding her after the introduction.
"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to
be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side."
"Crude? Doesnt she know that I come from one of the most
respected families in Boston? That I was educated in
Europe? That I attended the finest finishing schools on
the East Coast? That I attended Vassar, graduating Magna
Cum Laud?" Tamara asked.
"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied.
"Then where in the fuck does that cunt come off with that
crude bullshit?"
+++++++++++
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and
is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys
50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as
possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation,
he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter
standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the
ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like
to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready
to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's
gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business,
I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n'
likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along
with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some
wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been
alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the
way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want,
just gonna be the two of us."
++++++++++
Three men: an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker
get stranded on this island full of cannibals. It is not
long before they are found and taken before the chief,
who explains that they will be skinned and eaten and
their skins will be used to make a new canoe. The chief
asks them if they have any last words before they are
killed.
The Englishman says "God Save The Queen" then is killed.
The Frenchman says "Viva La Revolution" then he is killed.
Then comes the New Yorker who pulls out a switchblade
and starts stabbing himself saying "FUCK YOUR CANOE!"
+++++++
 
South
Rednecks You
May Be a Redneck If...
MidWest
West
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