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Western United States Regional Humor
Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first man.
"Oh my God. I've been transferred to Los Angeles,
California. The second answered. "Los Angeles has
race riots, rampant street drugs, and the highest
crime rate in America."
"Hold on," said the first man. "I've lived in Los
Angeles all my life, and it's not as bad as the media
portrays. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your
own business, enroll your kids in a good school,
and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and
said, "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death, but,
if you lived there and say it's OK, I'll take your
word for it. By the way, what do you do for a
living?"
"What do I do?" replied the first, "I'm the tail
gunner on a bread truck."
+++++
TIPS FOR TOURISTS WHO WANT TO DRIVE IN LAS VEGAS
By Ezra B. Riner
1. Look at all the pretty lights on the buildings! Millions of colors!
Don't waste your time looking at traffic lights; they only come in 3 colors.
2. Also, don't waste your time looking at the road. There's much more
interesting things elsewhere. It's everyone else's job to look out for you.
3. Whatever you do, don't tap that accelerator. Keeping traffic slow is your
gift to your hosts.
4. It is imperative that you turn onto the road as soon as possible
regardless of who you have to cut off to do so. However, once on the road, there
is no real hurry. Take your time. That guy you cut off will be happy to slow
down.
5. The "fast lane." Ever wonder why it's called that? Me either.
6. If you drive a Winnebago, be sure to only drive on single lane highways with
extensive no passing zones. If people can pass you and keep traffic flowing, it
defeats the whole purpose of driving a Winnebago!
7. Whatever you do, don't look in your mirrors! Traffic might be piling up
behind you and you wouldn't want that on your conscience!
8. Be sure to always slow down to a near stop to look at the twisted
vehicles and bloody puddles of the innocent locals who have had
"encounters" with driving tourists.
9. If you are pulled over, be sure to toss cliches and lame jokes about
the mob, prostitution, or the weather to the cop. He's never heard that one
before. Trust me.
10. And remember, when you are lost, do not stop to find out where you are.
Simply slow to 1/3 of the speed limit and weave in and out of lanes haphazardly.
This always gets you where you want to be.
11. Always be talking on a cell phone. Your techno-savvy impresses the locals
and they will stare in worshipful awe as you run stop lights and narrowly miss
pedestrians.
12. Stop signs don't really mean "stop." They mean "slow down just a tad and if
you are feeling generous, perhaps glance to the side to make sure that guy you
were supposed to yield to isn't going to hit you."
13. Feel free to stop in the middle of the road to take photos. The locals will
be touched at how sentimental you are about their home.
14. Remember, you are on vacation so school speed zones don't apply to you.
15. The bumper sticker on the car you are tailgating says "If it's tourist
season, why can't we shoot them?" What a jerk! I wonder what his problem is.
+++++++
You know you're from Idaho when....
* The wind is faster than your truck.
* Every other vehicle is a 4x4.
* When the sun goes down you start looking for your coat.
* In March your vehicle is 43% mud.
* You leave your keys in the car and the next morning it's
still there.
* You installed your new computer using a Leatherman tool.
* You hear the words "stream" or "brook" pronounced "crick."
* The elevation exceeds the population.
* You've broken down on the highway and somebody stops
to help you.
* You can see the stars at night.
* People drive 200 miles to shop in a real mall.
* Your great grandmother is older than the courthouse.
* You got a set of snow tires for Valentines Day.
* The bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.
* Your back yard smells like sagebrush or various animals.
* A girls' basketball game fills the gym.
* You slept through the night unawakened by a siren.
* A rodeo is more popular than a rock concert.
* You can fish, golf, and go skiing all in the same day if you
try hard enough.
* Yellow light means "follow the car in front of you no matter
what."
* Democrats are like salmon, they are on the endangered
species list.
* You wave to someone on the freeway because you recognize
the truck.
* You talk about a combine and people don't wonder what you
are putting together.
* In the spring every tenth car you pass is a tractor.
* When the car in front of you is weaving you suspect a farmer
instead of a drunk.
* Maps and gloves are kept in your vehicle's "jocky box."
* You can choose plastic bags or paper sacks for your groceries.
* You have to wait for a flock of sheep to pass you on the road.
* You know why people pay money to watch "pig wrestling."
* You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Idaho
friends.
+++++
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle.
Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the
Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-
W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it
the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But where are all your cattle?"
"So far, none have survived the branding."
++++++++
While traveling through Wyoming one winter day, I was experiencing
what's called a horizontal blizzard. The snow that had fallen the day
before was blowing across the road.
When I stopped for fuel, I remarked on the condition to a man at the
gas station. He obviously was a local who had seen a lot of winters.
"Yeah," he said, nodding. We don't get much snow, but what we do get, we use a
lot."
++++++++
Due to the popularity of the 'Survivor' show, Wyoming is planning to do one
entitled, "Survivor, Wyoming-style."
The nine contestants will all start in Sheridan, then drive to Lovell, Cody,
and then over to Jackson Hole. They will then proceed to Afton, Rocksprings, and
Evanston . From there they will go midstate to Lander, Riverton, Worland and
Greybull. The next leg will be down to Cheyenne, up to Laramie, Casper, Gillette
and finish back in Sheridan.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm a
Democrat,"-- "I'm Gay,"-- "I love the Dixie Chicks ,"--
"Boycott Beef,"-- "I Voted for Obama,"-- " George
Strait Sucks,"-- "Hillary in 2012," and "I'm Here to
Confiscate your Guns."
The first one to make it back to Sheridan alive wins..... God Bless Wyoming!
++++
You're in Colorado when . . .
* You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
* You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home
and he stops at the day care.
* A pass does not involve a football or dating.
* The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
* Your bridal registry is at REI.
* You have a business degree and are frying burgers at a McDonald's in Vail.
* You own a big dog named Aspen, Buck, Cheyenne or Dakota that
wears a bandanna.
* Your real Y2K fear was running out of Celestial Seasonings tea and trail mix.
* You think that formal wear is ironed denim.
* North means "mountains to the left"; south is "mountains to the right"; and
east and west are where all those liberals keep moving in from.
* You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt and
Birkenstocks.
* You have stood on solid ground and looked down on an airplane in flight.
++++++
You're on the West Coast when...
* You make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy your
own house.
* The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer
his cell phone.
* The fastest part of your commute is going
down your driveway.
* You know how to eat an artichoke.
* You drive to your neighborhood block party.
+++++++
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA IF:
It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid
all the weather-related accidents.
Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Breeze.
You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm
donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses,
and looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay
rep is a guy in drag.
It's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel about
"THE STORM!"
Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El,
La, Santa, De La, or De Los.
Two overcast days in a row drive you mad.
A family of four owns six vehicles.
Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms
are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over almost as soon as you
realize what's happening.
Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.
And finally, a question:
Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Californians cannot afford to turn on the lights.
+++++++++
You're in Alaska when . . .
* You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup
and Tabasco.
* Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
* You have more than one recipe for moose.
* Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less
than eight buttons.
* The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still
winter, and construction.
++++++++ 
You know you're in San Francisco when...
Your co-worker tells you she/he has 8 body piercings but none are visible.
You make over $100,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the
drivers have never seen it.
You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and can taste
the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
You know that anyone wearing shorts in July must be visiting from Ohio.
You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.
Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers"....and it's not the first time you
have seen him/her nude.
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named
"Breeze," and, after telling that to a friend, your friend still needs to ask if
the teacher is male or female.
You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga,
aromatherapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web site class.
You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to SF
and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on
it.
A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't
even notice.
A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don't notice.
You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the
midwest.
You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.
You keep a list of companies to boycott.
++++++++
The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the Mustang
Ranch, near Sparks.
The guide noted: "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in
America."
A male passenger shouted: "WHY?!?"
+++++++++ 
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner
came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in
the nearest town.
"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore
in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.
"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the
second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for
the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped
up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right
and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and
toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said,
"You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked
the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "I just thought you might
like to open those beers first."
+++++++ 
A man from Idaho goes to New York City, on business,
for the first time. After checking in to the hotel he
goes down to the bar to have a drink. He orders a rum
and coke. The bartender gives it to him and says,
"That will be eight dollars."
He give the bartender the money and says, "Man,
everything is so expensive here in New York!"
The bartender replies, "It cant be that much more than
where you live."
The man replies, "Oh yes, it is! Why do you know that,
in my home town, you can go out drinking all night for
nothing! And if you feel you've had too much to drink.
You can check into the finest hotel and spend the night
for nothing! And not only that, when you wake up there
is a twenty dollar bill on the pillow next to you!"
The incredulous bartender says, "I find that very hard
to believe. Has that ever really happened to you?"
The guy replies, "Well no, not exactly...but it happens
to my wife all the time!"
+++++
 Alaskan
Christmas Party
Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He
quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He
sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's
total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He
opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away.... Having a Christmas party
Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin'
too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties,
too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six
months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two
of us".
 
Other U. S. Regional Humor:
South
Rednecks You
May Be a Redneck If...
MidWest
West
Texas Northeast
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