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Movies,
DVDs, and Videos
Books
Music
 
Jude Law is in so many movies, that I went to one, and when I walked out they
were showing another on the back wall. -- Chris Rock
What do you call 500 lawyers lying on the bottom of the Ocean? A good
start... -- Danny DeVito (The War of the Roses, 1989)
When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher knife and
a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross. -- Clint Eastwood
(Dirty Harry, 1971)
Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable. -- Madeleine
Kahn (from the film Clue - 1985 - Jonathan Lynn, John Landis)
I have strong feelings about gun control. If there's a gun around, I want to
be controlling it. -- Clint Eastwood (from Pink Cadillac, 1989 - John Eskow)
Drama is life with the dull bits left out. -- Alfred Hitchcock
A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the
babysitter were worth it. -- Alfred Hitchcock
A film is never really any good unless the camera is an eye in the head of a
poet. -- Orson Welles
Our comedies are not to be laughed at. -- Samuel Goldwyn
Once a month the sky falls on my head, I come to, and I see another movie I
want to make. -- Steven Spielberg ++++
Top Ten Chanukah Holiday Rentals
The figures are finally in. The top 10 movie rental over the
Chanukah holiday vacation were:
10) Three Men And A Bubbie
9) A Few Hood Mentches
8) The Cohenheads
7) The Rocky Hora Picture Show
6) Shalom Alone
5) Goyz `N The Hood
4) A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
3) The Wizard Of Oys
2) Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
1) Prelude To A Briss
++++++
Things You'll Never Hear In A Real Cowboy Movie
Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless
reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a
more intuitive solution.
Can we postpone this shoot-out 'til 12:05? I gotta use
the little cowboys' room.
Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!
Y'know, Badlands Pete, a roaring campfire, good
coffee, nice prairie breezes, just you 'n' me... What
say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or
two?
Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!
Let's see, hardtack and pemmican. That's three grams
of fat, seven grams of protein, and two carbs.
You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell
Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue.
That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot
my therapist!
He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he
had a keen eye for interior decoration.
Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?
It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl men is from
Tombstone, women is from Dodge.
++++++
 
Celebrity Sex Scene Confessions
"His idea of a romantic kiss was to go "blaah" an gag me with his
tongue. He only improved once he married Demi Moore.
- Cybil Shepard on Bruce Willis
"I enjoyed bumping up against it even though it had black stuff all over it...By
the end of the shoot I was covered in black goo'.
- Kim Bassinger being turned on by Michael Keaton's Batman costume.
Kenneth Williams' moment of unbridled passion with Joan Sims in "Carry
On Up The Khyber" was somewhat marred by Williams' persistent
flatulence.
Hygiene conscious Lana Turner chewed gum to keep her mouth fresh for her kissing
scenes. During the filming of "Homecoming," Clark Gable kissed her so hard that
the pair became entwined by a ribbon of sticky gum. From then on, she gargled.
"It's a little too sick, real or feigned to do in front of your mother."
- Jennifer Jason Leigh stated about a sex scene in her 1996 movie,
"Georgia." Leigh asked her screenwriting mother, Barbara Turner, to
leave the set at the crucial moment.
"God I miss my husband."
- Patsy Kensit whispered to Mel Gibson during their naked romp in
"Lethal Weapon 2."
**********
Steven Spielberg Quotes
(1946) - American Oscar winning Film director, producer, screenwriter.
He reminded me a little of Walt Disney's version of a mad scientist. -- (on
Star Wars Director George Lucas)
The most expensive habit in the world is celluloid, not heroin, and I need a
fix every few years. -- (Time, 1979)
Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?
I dream for a living.
Once a month the sky falls on my head, I come to, and I see another movie I
want to make.
Failure is inevitable. Success is elusive.
++++
HOW TO SURVIVE TO THE END OF A
HORROR MOVIE
When it appears that you have killed the monster,
NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
Never read a book of demon-summoning aloud,
even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power
has gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other
language which they should not know, shoot them
immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the
long run. However, it will probably take several
rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies
to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open
portals to Hell.
If you're searching for something which caused a
loud noise and find out that it's just the cat,
GET THE HELL OUT!
If you find a town which looks deserted, there's
probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look
around.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless
you're sure you know that you're doing.
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or
fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the
fact that you are running and the monster is merely
shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to
catch up with you.
If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road,
do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to
phone for help. If you think that it is strange because
you thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself
instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely
be eaten.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY:
When trying to escape from a serial killer,
never run UPstairs.
+++++++
Woody Allen Quotes: (b. 1935) - American Oscar winning film director, writer,
actor.
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge
signed the divorce papers.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria
Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed
that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
I am an only child. I have one sister.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse,
what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other
third. -- (Hollywood Ending, 2002)
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
There are worst things than death. If you've ever spent an evening with an
insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean. -- (Love and death, 1975)
There's nothing sexier than a lapsed Catholic. -- (Alice, 1990)
It makes up for the strip search. -- (on receiving a standing ovation - at
the 2002 Oscars)
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked
into the soul of another boy. -- (Clown Prince of American Humor, 1975)
When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars
back and the pawn shop has been out of business for awhile. -- (at the 2002
Oscars)
In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into
television shows.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the
roller of an electric typewriter?
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for
mentally disturbed teachers.
And my parents finally realized that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action
immediately: they rent out my room.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. -- Getting
Even, 'My Philosophy'
+++++
 
Things You Would Never Know Without Movies
Large, loft apartments in New York City are
plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are
unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry
about which wire to cut. You will always choose
the right one.
It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered
in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will
wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing
around in a threatening manner until you have
dispatched their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything
in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but
slightly blue.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a
world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs,
hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
Honest and hard-working policemen are usually
gunned down a day or two before retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs
prefer to kill their enemies using complex
machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses,
lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of
which will give their captives at least 20 minutes
to escape.
During all crime investigations, it is necessary
to visit a strip club at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach
up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist
of the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one
French bread and one bunch of carrots with
leafy tops.
It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone
in the control tower to talk you down.
If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off,
even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However
if you are overweight, your mascara will run and
your lipstick will smear.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect
hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for
you in there, and you can travel to any other part
of the building without difficulty.
++++++++++
Things you know from movies…
Life is an ongoing process of learning. It seems like everyday,
we add something new to our mental libraries. And this
education doesn’t just come to us, from classrooms or textbooks.
We frequently gain knowledge from some unlikely sources.
Take movies for instance. Just think about all the knowledge
and information we get from watching movies.
If it were not for movies how would we ever know that...
All telephone numbers in America begin with 555
+++
If being chased through town, you can always take cover in
a passing St. Patricks day parade at any time of the year.
+++
A detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended.
+++
Cars that crash always burst into flames.
+++
When paying for a taxi, don’t look at the wallet as you take out
a bill just grab one and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
+++
Even when driving down a straight road it is necessary to turn
the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few minutes.
+++
A man will show no pain while taking a beating but will wince
when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
+++++++++
TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM BAD '80s
COMEDIES
Smart people wear thick glasses, button-down shirts, and
slacks. Dumb people wear football uniforms.
+++
Everyone in high school was having sex except you and
the class valedictorian.
+++
Your dog is way smarter than you.
+++
France is populated entirely by attractive young
women and Gerard Depardieu.
+++
Every Southern town has a fat redneck sheriff
named "Smokey."
+++
Mexico is populated entirely by vacationing frat boys.
+++
Parents always come back from vacation a day early.
+++
There are no ugly prostitutes.
+++
It's only possible to win any sporting event in the last
three seconds of the game.
+++
Cheerleaders hate having their shirts on.
+++
The best way to escape your enemies is to drive on
the wrong side of the road.
+++
A student who's failing every class can still rig up
an elaborate device to answer his phone when he
calls in sick.
++++++++++++++++=
THINGS WE LEARN FROM THE MOVIES
1. It is always possible to park directly outside any
building you are visiting.
2. A detective can only solve a case once he has
been suspended from duty.
3. If you decide to start dancing in the street,
everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to
override the communication systems of any
invading alien civilization.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a
fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait
patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around
in a threatening manner until you have knocked out
their predecessors.
6. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow
to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or
brain damage.
7. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion,
volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into
shock.
8. Police Departments give their officers personality
tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a
partner who is their total opposite.
9. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to
speak English to each other.
10. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
11. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper
clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning
building with a child trapped inside.
12. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur
will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
13. Television news bulletins usually contain a story
that affects you personally at that precise moment
you turn the television on.
+++++++
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm
sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life
easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a
"dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a
cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"
++++++++
The things you learn at the movies...
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
 
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization (especially a Macintosh snicker, snicker!!)).
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
************************
 
HOW TO SURVIVE TO THE END OF A HORROR MOVIE
* When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
* Never read a book of demon-summoning aloud, even as a joke.
* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
* If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know,
shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably
take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody
else's voice.
* As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
* If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat,
GET THE HELL OUT!
* If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and
look around.
* Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know that you're doing.
* If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that,
despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still
moving fast enough to catch up with you.
* If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking
house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had half of a
tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY:
* When trying to escape from a serial killer, never run UP stairs.
+++
TOP 5 REJECTED HORROR MOVIE TITLES:
1. The Thingie.
2. I'm Not Absolutely Positive What You Did Last Summer,
But I've Got a Pretty Good Idea, and When Your Father
Comes Home We're Going to Have a Little Talk.
3. Poultryheist.
4. Margin Call (No one will be seated during the final 1500- point plunge).
5. Touched by an Anvil.
++++++++
The following are actual English subtitles
used in films from Hong Kong:
* I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
* Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
* Gun wounds again?
* Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
* A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
* Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.
* Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
* Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
*This will be of fine service for you, you bag
of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that
I remove your toenails and leave them out
on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
* Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
* I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
* You daring lousy guy.
* Beat him out of recognizable shape!
*Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you
by the short rabbits and can now deliver you
violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.
* I have been scared silly too much lately.
* I got knife scars more than the number of your
leg's hair!
* Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
* The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel
so cold?
* How can you use my intestines as a gift?
* Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget
to form a team up together and go into the country
to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some butt
of the giant lizard person.
* You always use violence. I should've ordered
glutinous rice chicken.
++++++++++
 
"Famous Jewish Movies"
The Matzo Candidate - Frank Sinatra is brainwashed
into thinking it's always Passover.
Dreidels of the Lost Ark - Harrison Ford plays
Chanukah games.
Aleph Doesn't Live Here Anymore - neither the
waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found.
The Chosen (dubbed Der Chosson in Yiddish).
Goy Story.
Citizen Kane about a litvak who was known as
Cohen to non-Litvaks.
Gone with the Wind - or how my sukkah blew away
before even saying Mashiv Horuach.
Shtar Wars - about the machklokes re: pre-nups.
As Good as it Gets - about a dozen agunas get freed
when their recalcitrant husbands find themselves
face with R Moshe Boruch (aka Rambo).
+++++++++
 
Canada:
The Least Popular Holiday Movies.....
Chris Rock and the Osmond Brothers' Kwazy Kwanzaa
Tora Bora Menorah!
It's an Utterly Horrible Life, Charlie Brown
Miracle Whip on 34th Street
I'm Dreaming of a White Powdery Substance Christmas
Adam Santler's Eight Crazy Reindeer
Harry Potter and the Marketing Tie-In That All of Your
Friends Will Get for Christmas So You'd Better Ask For It, Too
Jihad All the Way
Silent But Deadly Night
Hey Dude, Where's My Sleigh?
Prancer II: We're Really Females!
A Very Cheney Christmas (Undisclosed Location Security
Reasons)
There's Something About Mary
Winona Ryder in "How the Wench Stole Christmas"
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Yule Log
and the Number 1 least popular Holiday Movie...
My Big, Fat, Greek Santa
---------------
Hollywood Quotes: I look at going to Hollywood as going behind enemy lines.
You parachute in, set up the explosion, then fly out before it goes off. --
Robert Redford
The execs don't care what color you are. They care about how much money you
make. Hollywood is not really black or white. It's green. -- Will Smith
It's a scientific fact. For every year a person lives in Hollywood, they lose
two points of their IQ. -- Truman Capote
I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe. -- Bob Hope
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. -- Rita Rudner
Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors. --
Walter Winchell
I have to be careful to get out before I become the grotesque caricature of a
hatchet-faced woman with big knockers. -- Jamie Lee Curtis (on growing old in
Hollywood, March 2001, More Magazine)
Hollywood's a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss, and
fifty cents for your soul. I know, because I turned down the first offer often
enough and held out for the fifty cents. -- Marilyn Monroe
Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the
worst about Hollywood. -- Groucho Marx
Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half
are afraid they will be. -- Lionel Barrymore
There are only three ages for women in Hollywood -- Babe, District Attorney,
and Driving Miss Daisy. -- Goldie Hawn (First Wives Club, 1996, Olivia
Goldsmith, Robert Harling)
The only 'ism' Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. -- Dorothy Parker
They've great respect for the dead in Hollywood, but none for the living. --
Errol Flynn
You can fool all the people all the time if the advertising is right and the
budget is big enough. -- Joseph E. Levine
Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something
I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town. -- Steve Martin (at the 2001
Oscars)
They used to shoot her through gauze. You should shoot me through linoleum.
-- Tallulah Bankhead referring to Shirley Temple)
Hollywood is a place where a man can get stabbed in the back while climbing a
ladder. -- William Faulkner
Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much. -- John Wayne
In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness you send out for it. -- Rex Reed
++++
Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie
"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"
"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."
"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room."
"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."
"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."
+++++
"There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it. " Alfred Hitchcock
+++
R-Rated Movie Humor:
More Woody Allen:
Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to
sex. -- (Hollywood Ending, 2002)
The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of
Liberty. -- (Crimes and Misdemeanors, 1989)
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and
she said 'no'. -- (circa 1965)
++++
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