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Internet
Business Opportunities
The Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!
Let's begin (Please take
note of the sarcasm in these):
Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.
Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.
Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.
Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things
like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See
How!" Simply click the link to get started.
Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it
doesn't sound like hype.
Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One
Month!" Is that good?
A: Perfect.
Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the
little-brains.
Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing
to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third
level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.
Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my
sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory
disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long
distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her
support group.
Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on
long distance. It's for their own good.
Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.
Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their
brains are too small.
Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like
non-attachment to service providers.
Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:
--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and
flashy banners.
--Join every free banner exchange.
--Get your own free-for-all links page.
--Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the
title.
--Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search
engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free
classified sites.
--Hire a bulk emailer.
--Sponsor a golf tournament.
Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit
counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who
has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet
earnings.
Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.
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10 Characteristics of The Company Car
** Accelerates at a
phenomenal rate.
** Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
** Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
** The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
** It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
** It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
** The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks,
concrete slabs and other building material.
** Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the
radio.
** It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the
keys in the ignition.
** It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on
remote beaches.
Your_Own_Web_Site
Promoting_Via_E-mail
Get_Paid_To... Lotteries
Sweepstakes
Main
Directory
Promoting your business and adding to your
revenue:
The following sites provide Free classified ads,
banners, or referral links to enable you to promote your web site and/or obtain
money for referring your visitors to other sites. Some of the affiliate
programs require a domain address (no free sub-domain sites) and some require a
minimum number of visitors to your site.
Promoting via E-mail:
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