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Political Humor Bush Clinton Obama Palin Government Osama No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, this is funny and very telling. It just depends on how you look at some things. Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California was doing some research on her family tree. She discovered Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889. So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research: "Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and dealings with the Montana railroad. In 1883,he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad." "In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renown Pinkerton detective agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform on which he was standing collapsed." NOW THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE FOLKS. That's real political spin. +++ There is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was: "Political Correctness." The winner wrote: "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end." +++++ Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the The Oxford Eagle Newspaper in OXFORD, MS. and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night. "Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!" A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?" They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898." The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back." Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Bailout Program. ++++ Limit all US politicians to two terms. One in office One in prison Illinois already does this! ++++++ A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl, leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've ever seen a man do in my whole life." The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right." The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?" The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican." The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page: "U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH" ++++ The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. His Holiness and the Speaker, however, have seen it all before.
To make it a little more interesting, the Speaker says to the Pope,
"Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.
"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The Speaker seriously doubts this, and says so.
"One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped her.
++++ Gonorrhea Lectim Strain The United States Center for Contagious Disease Control has issued a level 1 warning about a new virulent strain that has been quickly spreading. This disease is contracted through dangerously high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim, and is pronounced "gonna re-elect dem". Research has confirmed that most victims contracted this dangerous and destructive disease after having been screwed in November 2008. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how destructive this disease has become and have further learned that it is easily cured....by simply voting out all incumbents! +++ The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" casually think about whether you do, or don't, want that politician spending your tax money!! A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but an advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure in perspective in one of its releases: A billion seconds ago, it was 1959. A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive. A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. And.... A billion dollars ago, was only 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate Washington spends +++++ Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency Washington, DC -- Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of March 1, 2008. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 5 years. It is anticipated that $231 billion can be saved to the end of the President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted. Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai , India will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President." A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as President Bush had never been familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about." Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile. +++++ Guantanamo Adoption Program Someone recently wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Below is a copy of the response. January 29, 2005 The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C. Dear Mr. Rothstein: Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we are placing one terrorist under your personal care. Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome this character flaw. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless you feel that this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code he considers appropriate, but I'm sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka. Just remind them that it is all part of respecting his culture and his religious beliefs. Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you inform us of the proper way to do our job. Take good care of Ahmed and good luck! Cordially, Donald Rumsfeld ++++++ How the Grinch Stole Election Day (With respects to Theodor S. Geisel) Every Chad Down in Chad-ville Liked voting a lot ... But the Grinch, Who lived just north of Chad-ville Did NOT! The Grinch hated voting! He thought it a bore. Now, please don't ask why. Could be Bush, could be Gore. It could be his heart bled with liberal mush. It could be, perhaps, that he listened to Rush. But I think the real reason his trust was so shattered Was the great Grinchy view that his vote never mattered. BUT Whatever the reason, Lack of trust, lack of goals, The Grinch dreaded that day when Chads went to the polls. He just hated those speeches and negative ads, And when push came to shove, he just hated the Chads. He just hated their theme parks, their football-team rooters, He just hated their gun laws, their barmaids at Hooters. He just hated their weather, even hated their hate. And he hated that they were a battleground state. "So they're making their choices," he snarled with a sneer. "This 'Decision Two Thousand' is practically here! "They'll struggle to choose 'tween a crumb and a bum, " 'Cause a voter's a voter, no matter how dumb." Then he growled, his Grinch fingers nervously drumming, "I MUST find a way to keep outcomes from coming!" For tomorrow, he knew ... All the flag-waving souls, Would again waste their efforts on Clintons or Doles. And by then, oh, the polls! Oh, the polls! Polls! Polls! Polls! That's the one thing he hated! The POLLS! POLLS! POLLS! POLLS! So the Chads, rich and poor, and by bus, car, or boat, They would vote! And they'd vote! And they'd VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! They would vote to ban smoking or clearing your throat. They would even vote laws in for curbing your goat. And THEN ... They'd sing that anthem. It always came later. Be they Bush-ites or Gore-ites or ites of Ralph Nader. They'd stand close together, and though still full of fight, They'd stand and they'd sing, by that dawn's early light. And the more the Grinch thought of Election Day's ring, The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing! "Why, for two hundred years I've put up with it now! "I MUST stop these outcomes from coming! "... But HOW?" Then he got an idea! Yes, a legal idea! THE GRINCH GOT AN AWFUL BUT LEGAL IDEA! "I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed with a jig. And he wove from his goat a Sam Donaldson wig. And into the mirror he spoke with grand rancor, "With this helmet of hair, they'll all think I'm an anchor!" "All I need are some ballots ..." The Grinch looked around. But since ballots were private, there were none to be found. So he made his own ballot, printing letters quite little, And he scattered the names, running holes down the middle, And he stuck it together with Chad-berry spittle. And he said, "They'll need Einstein to figure this riddle!" THEN He loaded his boxes, and without looking nervous Put a sign on his van that said "Voter News Service." THEN The Grinch pulled away in his van with a screech Toward the pads of the Chads in a place called "Palm Beach." When he came to the first polling place in the square, All the lines were quite long. Thoughtful talk filled the air, As the Chads chatted merits of managed health care. "Vote early and often," the Grinch said with a grin. And he marched to the front of the line and stepped in. There he left all his ballots, the strange ones with punches, And instructions that said, "Please punch punches in bunches." As he slunk out the door toward the nearest Grand Hyatt, He could hear what you'd think was an Elián riot. The Cohens-sisters Esther, Mitzi, and Shannon, Just realized that their votes had all gone to Buchanan! At a place in Dade County near a middle-school yard, The Grinch donned a shirt that said, "Polling Place Guard." And he eyeballed each Chad and said, "Where is your card? "Voter card? Motor card? Credit card? Diner's? "Face card? Race card? Baseball card? Shriners?" And he turned them away. Then the Grinch, like a fox, Stuffed all of his ballots and locked the lockbox! Then old Grinch returned home to go "LIVE" on TV. He had waited quite late: (It was now eight oh three.) So the Grinch Network News first projected a score: "Now with one percent in, we pick Chad-ville for GORE." Every Gore-ite in Chad-ville said, "GIVE US SOME MORE!" So he pulled more projections straight out of his stack. Then, "Oh, dear!" said the Grinch, "I must take it all back!" So the Grinch Network News, in grand fairness to all Now reported that Chad-ville was "TOO CLOSE TO CALL." "Don't be mad, all you Chads, for this isn't a scandal, "It was just," the Grinch said, "we forgot the Panhandle. "The science of sampling can leave one out-simpled." So the Chads were left hanging and pregnant and dimpled. And the stress of it all put George Bush among the pimpled! Then the Grinch raised a finger for the night's final push. "Election Day's done, and the winner is BUSH." After all, George was leading at least by a dozen. (And whenever it's close, always go with your cousin.) "Play the music, the songs, pop the corks, sing the praises, " 'Cause with Bush as the winner, you're all getting raises!" And then the Grinch yawned, "This election stuff's hokey, Good-bye 'till next year! And now back to you, Cokie." And the Grinch, he went back to his old Grinchy pad. But en route, he was nabbed by a little Chad lad Who had stayed up all night (quite ignoring his dad). He stared at the Grinch and said, "Sir, who's our leader? "Is it Bush? Is it Gore? Or, my choice, Derek Jeter?" And the Grinch simply smiled: This day couldn't be sweeter. They were finding out now that no outcome was coming! They were seeing it now, all their dumbness and dumbing. "They're just waking up!" he said. "Here's what they'll do! "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two "And the Chads down in Chad-ville will all cry, 'WE'LL SUE!' " As he stared down at Chad-ville, the Grinch popped his eyes, But the scene that he saw brought a shocking surprise. All the Chads down in Chad-ville, Chad lads and Chad dads, They were counting the votes, they were counting the chads! He hadn't stopped an outcome from coming. IT CAME! SOMEHOW OR ANOTHER, IT CAME JUST THE SAME! As the Grinch with his head buried deep in the sand Sat puzzling and puzzling, "They will count them by hand?" Yes, it came with the lawsuits, it came with the lawyers, It came with Tim Russert, it came with Bill Moyers. When the ballots were plucked and the counting was done The last margin of victory turned out to be ... ONE! And if the Grinch had just voted, ... HIS GUY WOULD HAVE WON! And what happened then ... Well ... In Chad-ville they say That the Grinch's small district Grew three sizes that day. 'Cause the minute his mood had come out of its slump, The Grinch said, "Hmm! I could be running this dump!" So he formed a committee to do all the work And he ... HE HIMSELF! The Grinch ran for town clerk! Source: Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely +++++ American History 101 It was the first day of
school and a new student, Suzuki, son of a Japanese businessman, entered the
fourth grade class. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American history. ++++++ A History Lesson Humans originally existed
as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in
the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and
lobster in the winter. +++++ Ordering a Pizza from Big Brother Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..." Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order." Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?" Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610." Operator: "Thank you,
Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?" Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir." Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..." Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir." Customer: "Whaddya mean?" Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice." Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?" Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it" Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?" Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion." Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?" Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99." Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number." Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash Your credit card balance is over its limit." Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here." Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn" Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?" Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward." Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?" Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it." Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!" Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop." Customer: (Speechless) Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?" Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas." Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics." ++++++ Suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. ---Mark Twain, American Humorist (1835-1910) +++ Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. +++ Political speeches are like a steer: A point here, a point there, and a lot
of +++ The bad news is that the government is predicting a big recession. The good news is that the government hasn't been right yet. +++ The problem with political jokes is that they get
elected. The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant. "You have your choice of two brains," he told the patient,
"For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can
have the The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price. "Is the brain of a politician that much better?" he asked. The Brain Surgeon replied, "No, it's not better, just unused." ========== From a Democrat to a Republican friend. A little boy needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God
for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he
decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal The US Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new bonds: The Al Gore bond, which has no interest; The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity, and The Bill Clinton bond, which has no principle. +++++
The diplomat was cornered at an official function by a more-or-less
attractive woman who challenged him to guess her age. +++++ Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered. "The second responds, "yeah, but you should try electricians! The inside of them is color-coded. "The third surgeon says, "no, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order. "The fourth surgeon chimes in, "you know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts leftover at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would. "But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "you're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and rear are interchangeable. ++++++ Politician, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
organized society is reared. When he wriggles
Election poets……. For starters, history buff Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:
A Zimbabwe politician has been quoted as saying that children should study Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Four hundred and seventy one: 12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb; 23 to deregulate the light bulb industry; 16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D; 34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs; 9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start buying more 110-volt bulbs; 53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb; 41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in the building with night-vision gear instead; And 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs, or screwing anything, on the Internet.
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..."Mr. President." +++++++ The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and Consider this tale of a man who parks his car in front of the main entrance of the U.S. Capitol. Immediately, a member of the Capitol police force chases him down. "Sir, sir!" he yells. "You can't park here. All the congressmen are about to go out! "Don't worry," the man says. "I have a good alarm in my car." ++++++ During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice accorded to people in his position. Once, the Nixons were
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500
employees and has the following statistics:
The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to
keep the rest of us in line.
Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected? His Father: Everyone will have what he needs. LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat? HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today." ++++++++++ "The people who vote decide nothing. The people who count the vote decide everything." ---Josef Stalin. +++ "Though passion may be strained, it must not break our bonds of affection." Now is not the time for either side to stand on legalisms and public relations tricks." -- Abraham Lincoln " +++ Where is lawyer Johnnie Cochran when the Democrats need him most? If the votes don't amount, you must recount." --- Charlie Skuba ++++ Fax machines can have a great effect on politicians. Somebody just sent a fax message to every member of our state legislature. Each fax message was exactly the same: "The press has found out everything." Both houses of the legislature emptied out within thirty minutes. ++++ Political Correctness and Halloween Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween. Consider some old Halloween activities, for example: Witch burning -- Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will be on you like stink on ----. What 30 centuries of white male authors used to call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged wome... uh, womyn. Window waxing -- These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-, motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights -- if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler. Trick-or-treating -- This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs out. And then there are the treats themselves: Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft- bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride-free) dentifrice. Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out. Any worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours. ++++ A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest. A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. ' I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer. A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen more Senators on the stoop.
Every year ga-zillions of visitors flock to the District of Columbia to soak up the majesty of the nation's capitol. You'll notice they stop frequently in heavy traffic to consult the map, hail taxis in the middle of the Teddy Roosevelt Bridge, drop ice cream on the Metro and leave it there, form lines for the Smithsonian buildings that Russians would eschew, and are generally clueless about how to live life in an expeditious way. Nevertheless, when they need assistance, they will turn to a Washingtonian for it. As an ambassador of the District, it is always nice to say something courteous: Advice for tourists in DC: Don't miss the weekly weenie roasts at the Eternal Flame +++ Find and use the dining car on the Metro +++ If the cab doesn't have a meter, you ride for free +++ Play a game of handball at the unique v-shaped black marble court on the mall by the Lincoln Memorial +++ Make sure to visit the 19th century French Impressionist "Scratch & Sniff" room at the National Gallery of Art +++ Give your dear, departed Fido or Tabby a suitable resting place at the Arlington National Cemetary--bring your own shovel +++ Help keep the nation's capital clean: after entering the Metro through the turnstile, deposit your used fare card in the trash can +++ If you miss your exit on the Beltway, don't worry. Remember, it's a circle, so just keep on going around, and before you know it, you'll be back at your desired exit! +++ Trinkets are awarded to anyone who can get the Secret Service agents guarding the President to laugh +++ The best way to get to D.C. is to take the Capitol Beltway until you hit the Capitol. +++ Flashing floor lights in the Metro signal an oncoming earthquake. Run for your life! +++ Cheering is encouraged during oral arguments at the Supreme Court +++ Single women should not miss Dupont Circle, where you will find many very good-looking, unmarried men +++ For best results, crinkle up your dollar bills real good to "soften" them up before using the Metro card machines +++ When taking a taxi, ask to see as many "zones" as possible. This is a delightful way to see the city. +++ There's free parking for Ryder rental trucks next to the FBI Building +++ If you get thirsty while walking around town, stop in the Mayor's office or residence and ask for some Coke +++ To avoid blocking pedestrian traffic, press up real close to the person in front of you who is using the ATM +++ Going to the zoo? Don't forget to bring your swim trunks/suit for a refreshing dip in any of the zoo's conveniently located moats +++ Bring your clubs! Wednesday is ladies' day at Burning Tree +++ In all Metro stations, be sure to stop immediately at the top or bottom of each escalator and take a roll call of everyone in your party before proceeding. +++++ Latest Late Night Political Humor: http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/bldailyfeed3.htm +++ Best 2010 Late Night Political Humor (so far): http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/bl-best-late-night-jokes.htm +++ Dumbest Political Quotes of All Time: http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/bl-dumbest-political-quotes.htm +++ Dumbest Political Quotes of 2010 (So Far) http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/bl-dumb-quotes.htm +++ Warning, the remaining Political Jokes on this page are R-Rated. Do not continue reading them if you think that you might be offended in any way. You have been warned! R-Rated Political Jokes: In 2000, the two major party presidential candidates agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details.. . The Republican candidate, George W Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity. In other words, Bush says there is too much gore, and Gore says there is too much bush. +++++ Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them. Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house. "But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?" Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form. "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?" Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free. "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?" And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical woman's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community. "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?" But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health". Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models. On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf. She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity." The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone. " Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way." Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch." The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you." Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!" "You forget that I am optically challenged." "And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have." "Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child." "And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!" The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!" The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax. "Hands off!" cried the woodchopper. "And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams." "Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head. "Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner." "No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?" "Sure," said the Wolf. "Thanks." "I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?" +++++ Bush Clinton Obama Palin Government Osama
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