No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, this is funny and very telling. It just depends on how you look at some things.

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California was doing some research on her family tree.

She discovered Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and dealings with the Montana railroad. In 1883,he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad."

"In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renown Pinkerton detective agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform on which he was standing collapsed."

NOW THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE FOLKS. That's real political spin.

+++

There is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was: "Political Correctness."

The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

+++++

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for 

being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government 

can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.. The government takes one and gives it to 

your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage 

his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.. The government seizes both and provides you 

with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd 

of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.. Under the new farm program the government 

pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk 

down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and 

do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce 

the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. 

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have 

downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.. You go on strike because you want three cows.. 

You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.. You redesign them so they are one-tenth 

the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. 

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. 

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.. You engineer them so they are all blond, 

drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred 

miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation 

per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are. 

You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.. You have some vodka. 

You count them and learn you have five cows. 

You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. 

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have..

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two. 

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. 

You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find 

alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.. They go into hiding. 

They send radio tapes of their mooing..

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed 

attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. 

Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. 

The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. 

The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. 

The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow. 

Everyone votes for the best looking one. 

Some of the people who actually like the brown one best 

accidentally vote for the black one. 

Some people vote for both. 

Some people vote for neither. 

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. 

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one 

you think is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. 

Only five speak English. Most are illegal. 

Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

+++++

+++

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the The Oxford Eagle Newspaper in OXFORD, MS. and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night. "Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!" A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

++++

Limit all US politicians to two terms. One in office One in prison Illinois already does this!

++++++

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl, leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've ever seen a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"

++++

In a plane that's about to crash, there are three passengers: the wisest man on earth, a student, and a politician.

When they find out that the plane is about to go down and there is only one parachute between the three of them they debate about who would sacrifice his life for the country and who will jump to safety.

The politician says he's responsible for running the country, so of course, he should be the one to jump.

The wise man says he's got to serve mankind, so he should be the one who jumps.

The student says he is the future, and he should be the recipient of the parachute.

As the kid speaks, the wise man grabs the bag and leaps wildly out of the plane.

The politician is astounded, but the student remains calm.

"Why are you so calm? We're both about to die!" exclaims the politician.

The student replies, "Well wisdom just leapt out with my school bag, so the future can hang on to politics and feel safe."

++++

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. His Holiness and the Speaker, however, have seen it all before. 
    To make it a little more interesting, the Speaker says to the Pope, 
"Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him.  Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
    The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. 
    "That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
    The Speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. 
"One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever?   Show me!"
    So the Pope slapped her. 

++++

Gonorrhea Lectim Strain 
The United States Center for Contagious Disease Control has issued a level 1 warning about a new virulent strain that has been quickly spreading. This disease is contracted through dangerously high-risk behavior.
The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim, and is pronounced "gonna re-elect dem".
Research has confirmed that most victims contracted this dangerous and destructive disease after having been screwed in November 2008. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how destructive this disease has become and have further learned that it is easily cured....by simply voting out all incumbents!

+++

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" casually think about whether you do, or don't, want that politician spending your tax money!!
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but an advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure in perspective in one of its releases:
A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
And....
A billion dollars ago, was only 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate Washington spends

+++++

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency

Washington, DC -- Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of March 1, 2008. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 5 years. It is anticipated that $231 billion can be saved to the end of the President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted. 

Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time. 

Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai , India will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits. 

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President." A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as President Bush had never been familiar with the issues either. 

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about." 

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. 

Mr. Bush has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile.

+++++

+++++

American History 101

It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class.  The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said,  'Give me Liberty or give me Death' ?"  She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki's

"Patrick Henry 1775," he  said.

"Very  good!  Who said '...government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"

Again, no response, except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped, "Class, you  should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki raised his hand: "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point a student said, "I'm  gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right!  Who said that?"

Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps up waving his hand and shouts, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,  1997!"

With near mob hysteria, someone screams, "You little s**t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki yells, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

At this, the teacher fainted.  The class gathered around her.

One of the kids says, "Oh s**t, we're in BIG  trouble!"

Suzuki says,  "Arthur Andersen, 2002."

++++++

A History Lesson

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

+++++

Ordering a Pizza from Big Brother

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive , and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn"

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."

++++++

Suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. 

---Mark Twain, American Humorist (1835-1910)

+++

Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

+++

Political speeches are like a steer: A point here, a point there, and a lot of
bull in between.

+++

The bad news is that the government is predicting a big recession.

The good news is that the government hasn't been right yet.

"You have your choice of two brains," he told the patient, "For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the
brain of a politician."

The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price. "Is the brain of a politician that much better?" he asked.

The Brain Surgeon replied, "No, it's not better, just unused."

==========

From a Democrat to a Republican friend.

The election is over,
the results are now known.
The will of the court has clearly been shown.

Let's forget all our quarrels
and show by our deeds,
we will give Mr. Bush all the help that he needs.

Let's all get together
and let bitterness pass.
I'll hug your elephant and you kiss my ass.

+++++

A little boy needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal
authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God, which read as follows:

Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those bastards deducted $95.

****

The US Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new bonds:

The Al Gore bond, which has no interest;

The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity,

and The Bill Clinton bond, which has no principle.

+++++

+++++

++++++

Politician, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles
he mistakes the agitation of his tale for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the
disadvantage of being alive.
---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

------------

Rabble, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered by fraudulent elections...
---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

-------------

For starters, history buff Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:

Listen, my children, don't dare ignore,
The midnight actions of Bush and Gore
In early November, the year ought-ought,
Hard to believe the mess they wrought.
Two billion bucks of campaign bounty
All came down to Palm Beach County.
What result could have been horrider
Than the situation we found in Florider?
+++

Edgar Allen Poe is his usual gloomy self:

Once upon a campaign dreary, one which left us weak and weary
O'er many a quaint and curious promise of political lore
While we nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a yapping,
As of some votes overlapping, energy-zapping to the core
"'Tis a mess here," we all muttered, as the network anchors
stuttered,
Stuttered over Bush and Gore.
Could there be another election with such a case of misdirection,
One with such a weak selection, yet fraught with tension to the
core?
Quoth the ravers, "Nevermore."
+++

Britain's Edward Lear's limerick is lighter:

There once was a U.S. election
That called for some expert detection -
How thousands of pollers
Could become two-holers
Like outhouses of recollection.
+++

Ditto Ogden Nash:

I regret to admit that all my
knowledge is
What I learned at Electoral
Colleges,
So tell me please, though I hate to troublya,
Will the winner be Al, or will it be Dubya?
+++

Joyce Kilmer's a media analyst:

I thought that I would never see
The networks all so up a tree.
+++

Walt Whitman is lyrical, as always:

O' Captain! My Captain! our
fearful trip's not done
The ship has weather'd every rack, but nobody knows who's won.
+++

Alfred Noyes rhythmically rumbles:

And still of an autumn night they say, with the White House on
the line,
When the campaign's a ghostly galleon and both candidates cry,
"'Tis mine!"
When the road is a ribbon of ballots, all within easy reach,
A highwayman comes riding,
Riding, Riding,
A highwayman comes riding, and punches two holes in each.
+++

Dr. Seuss takes a look at election officials:

I cannot count them in a box
I cannot count them with a fox
I cannot count them by computer
I will not with a Roto-Rooter
I cannot count them card-by-card
I will not 'cause it's way too hard
I cannot count them on my fingers
I will not while suspicion lingers.
I'll leave the country in a jam -
I can't count ballots, Sam-I-Am.
+++

And finally, Clement Moore adopts a holiday theme:

'Twas the month before Christmas, when all through the courts,
All the plaintiffs made stirring bad ballot reports.
Perhaps the best way to stop complaints that are raucous is
Start over again, with the Iowa caucus

A Zimbabwe politician has been quoted as saying that children should study
this year's U.S. presidential election closely, because it shows that
election fraud is not only a third world phenomena. In that spirit,
consider the recent proceedings from a slightly different perspective:

1. Imagine that we read of an election occurring anywhere in the third
world in which the self-declared winner was the son of the former prime
minister and that former prime minister was himself the former head of that
nation's secret police (CIA).

2. Imagine that the self-declared winner lost the popular vote but won
based on some colonial holdover (electoral college) from the nation's past.

3. Imagine that the self-declared winner's 'victory' turned on disputed
votes cast in a province governed by his brother.

4. Imagine that the poorly drafted ballots of one district, a district
heavily favoring the self-declared winner's opponent, led thousands of
voters to vote for the wrong candidate.

5. Imagine that members of that nation's most despised caste, fearing for
their lives/livelihoods, turned out in record numbers to vote in
near-universal opposition to the self-declared winner's candidacy.

6. Imagine that hundreds of members of that most-despised caste were
intercepted on their way to the polls by state police operating under the
authority of the self-declared winner's brother.

7. Imagine that six million people voted in the disputed province and that
the self-declared winner's 'lead' was only 300 votes. Fewer, certainly,
than the vote counting machines' margin of error.

8. Imagine that the self-declared winner and his political party opposed a
more careful by-hand inspection and re-counting of the ballots in the
disputed province or in its most hotly disputed district.

9. Imagine that the self-declared winner was himself the governor of a
major province, which had the worst human rights record of any province in
his nation and which actually led the nation in executions.

10. Imagine that a major campaign promise of the self-declared winner was
to appoint like-minded human rights violators to lifetime positions on the
high court of that nation.

Few of us would deem such an election to be representative of anything other
than the self-declared winner's will-to-power. All of us, I imagine, would
wearily turn the page thinking that it was another sad tale of pitiful pre-
or anti-democracy peoples in some strange elsewhere.

This reminds me of Gandhi's reputed response to a question posed by a
British journalist after Gandhi returned from a tour of European capitals.
"What," he was asked, "do you think about Western Civilization?" "I think,"
he replied, "it would be a very good idea."

******

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Four hundred and seventy one:

12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb;

23 to deregulate the light bulb industry;

16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D;

34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs;

9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start buying more 110-volt bulbs;

53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb;

41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in the building with night-vision gear instead;

And 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs, or screwing anything, on the Internet.

All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.

Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs.

If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts.

This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.

This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs.

Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking.

Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans."

Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats."

A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins.

These men are usually referred to as..."Mr. President."

+++++++

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes
practices.

These companies target the elderly and make them
think they will receive a bunch of money, but in
reality they never see any of it.

The most popular of these scams is called Social
Security.

~~~~~~

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and
discovered a dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the
church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear
to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the
health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call
the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he
could not pick up the mule without authorization from the
mayor.

Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to
call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard
to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant
and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me
anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to
direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my
job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin
first!"

vvvvvv

Consider this tale of a man who parks his car in front of the main entrance 

of the U.S. Capitol. Immediately, a member of the Capitol police force chases him down.

"Sir, sir!" he yells. "You can't park here. All the congressmen are about to go out!

"Don't worry," the man says. "I have a good alarm in my car."

++++++

During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice
president, Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem

accorded to people in his position. Once, the Nixons were
staying at a hotel in Chicago when a fire alarm went off in
the middle of the night.

Hundreds of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded
into the lobby. Once Nixon realized that it was a false
alarm, he and his wife headed for the elevator.

"Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief.
"Everyone stays in the lobby until we get the all clear."

"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.

"Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead."

Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security
chief had second thoughts. "Vice president?" he said. "Of
what?"

"Of the United States," Nixon answered.

"Get back out here," the security chief said. "I
thought you were a vice president of the hotel."

Every year ga-zillions of visitors flock to the District of Columbia to soak up the majesty of the nation's capitol. You'll notice they stop frequently in heavy traffic to consult the map, hail taxis in the middle of the Teddy Roosevelt Bridge, drop ice cream on the Metro and leave it there, form lines for the Smithsonian buildings that Russians would eschew, and are generally clueless about how to live life in an expeditious way.

Nevertheless, when they need assistance, they will turn to a Washingtonian for it. As an ambassador of the District, it is always nice to say something courteous:

Advice for tourists in DC:

Don't miss the weekly weenie roasts at the Eternal Flame

+++

Find and use the dining car on the Metro

+++

If the cab doesn't have a meter, you ride for free

+++

Play a game of handball at the unique v-shaped black marble court on the mall by the Lincoln Memorial

+++

Make sure to visit the 19th century French Impressionist "Scratch & Sniff" room at the National Gallery of Art

+++

Give your dear, departed Fido or Tabby a suitable resting place at the Arlington National Cemetary--bring your own shovel

+++

Help keep the nation's capital clean: after entering the Metro through the turnstile, deposit your used fare card in the trash can

+++

If you miss your exit on the Beltway, don't worry. Remember, it's a circle, so just keep on going around, and before you know it, you'll be back at your desired exit!

+++

Trinkets are awarded to anyone who can get the Secret Service agents guarding the President to laugh

+++

The best way to get to D.C. is to take the Capitol Beltway until you hit the Capitol.

+++

Flashing floor lights in the Metro signal an oncoming earthquake. Run for your life!

+++

Cheering is encouraged during oral arguments at the Supreme Court

+++

Single women should not miss Dupont Circle, where you will find many very good-looking, unmarried men

+++

For best results, crinkle up your dollar bills real good to "soften" them up before using the Metro card machines

+++

When taking a taxi, ask to see as many "zones" as possible. This is a delightful way to see the city.

+++

There's free parking for Ryder rental trucks next to the FBI Building

+++

If you get thirsty while walking around town, stop in the Mayor's office or residence and ask for some Coke

+++

To avoid blocking pedestrian traffic, press up real close to the person in front of you who is using the ATM

+++

Going to the zoo? Don't forget to bring your swim trunks/suit for a refreshing dip in any of the zoo's conveniently located moats

+++

Bring your clubs! Wednesday is ladies' day at Burning Tree

+++

In all Metro stations, be sure to stop immediately at the top or bottom of each escalator and take a roll call of everyone in your party before proceeding.

Return to Joke/Humor Index

Bush   Clinton  Obama  Palin Government    Osama