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Sports (Misc.)
 
Other Sports Humor:
Baseball
Basketball
Football
Golf Fishing
Hunting
Sports Betting Sites:
Bet
On Sports With My Sure-Money System And Win 97% Of Your Bets! John Morrison Reveals The 97% Win-rate Football,
Baseball And Basketball Betting Systems Used To Amass Mountains Of Unthinkable
Fortunes For No More Than 5 Minutes A Day!
+++
Rich Allen's Sports Betting Professor Betting
Systems.
+++
 
Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and
immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He
said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied: "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.
++++
"If you can react the same way to winning and losing, that is a big
accomplishment. That quality is important because it stays with you the rest of
your life." Chris Evert (1954 - )
+++
"Effort is only effort when it begins to hurt." Jose Ortega y
Gasset
+++
"Don't fight forces, use them." R. Buckminster Fuller
+++
"Adversity causes some men to break; others to break records."
William A. Ward
+++
"Every obstacle is destroyed through rigor." Leonardo da Vinci
+++
"There is a finish line for every challenge. I keep moving mine so I
don't get bored." R. Smith
+++
"A competitive world offers two possibilities. You can lose. Or, if you
want to win, you can change." L. C. Thurow
+++
"If you've had a good time playing the game, you're a winner even if you
lose." Malcolm Forbes
+++
"A long dispute means both parties are wrong." Voltaire
+++
"You can't win unless you know how to lose." Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
+++
 
AMAZING CONCLUSION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
+++++
"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time."
- Vince Lombardi
+++++++
What game is played by men with even shaped balls?
I'm not sure - but...
Golf is played by men with dimpled balls.
Hockey is played by men with small white balls.
Soccer is played my men with leather balls.
Tennis is played by men with furry balls.
In croquet, men hit their balls with a mallet.
In basketball, men dribble, and shoot their balls through a hoop (ouch)
In soccer, men can't use their hands to touch their balls.
Football is played with pointed balls.
Rugby players put their balls in a scrum.
Pool players are always putting their balls in pockets.
And bowlers drill 3 holes in THEIR balls!! (double ouch!)
So, what sport do you play?
--------------
Scott came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his
co-workers, Bill, noticed and asked Scott what happened.
Scott replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in
a while."
Bill, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Scott, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $1,000 on the Stanley Cup
play-offs. I put my foot through the television."
+++++++ 
15 Signs an Athlete is Using a Banned Substance
15. Gets "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a locker,
although he's on the chess team.
14. Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.
13. Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at
this year's French Open.
12. Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 and the Preakness.
11. Swimmer's refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her valuable
seconds in the 100-meter freestyle.
10. His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."
9. Absent-mindedly shows up at starting blocks with syringe dangling
from arm.
8. Remainder of high-jump event postponed until he lands.
7. Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.
6. Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.
5. Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.
4. According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.
3. Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."
2. Has switched her shower song from "I Feel Pretty" to
"Old Man River."
1. Forget Nike and Reebok-he's got endorsement deals with Merck and
Glaxo.
++++++++
Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a
stall and went over to take a look.
"What's going on?" Ed asked one of the crowd.
"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said
nodding towards a fearsome looking machine.
"Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a
prize of $1000 for anybody who can.
"I can do that!" Ed said confidently.
"No you can't," said Ted.
"I sure as hell can!" said Ed.
"You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster," said Ted.
"Watch this," said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.
The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles
but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back.
After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until
Ed was a blur.
But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back
acknowledging the cheers
and cries from the small crowd.
He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted.
"Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?" Ted asked.
"Remember three months ago," Ed said... "When my wife had whooping cough...?"
+++++++
There is a Protestant, a Catholic, and a Mormon, sitting around
chewing the fat.
The Protestant say's "I have four son's one more and I'll have a
basketball team".
The Catholic gets all happy, and say's "OH, yah, I have 10 son's,
one more and I'll have a Football team.
The Mormon is sitting back laughing, and they ask what is so funny.
The Mormon say's "guy's I have 17 wives one more and I'll have a
freaking golf course".
++++
 
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian
competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull
costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic
feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5:
Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes
costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd
clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly
misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But,
artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9:
Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey
jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips
straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up,
staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire
'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the
ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0:
Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How
the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's damn
slippery out there."
*****
A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things
were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when
to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and
out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was
asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees
and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival
on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
+++++++
Joys Of Jogging
1. For every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life. This
enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five months in a
nursing home at $5,000/month. 2. The only reason I took up jogging was to hear
heavy breathing again. 3. I joined a health club last year, spending $400 in
the process. I
haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. 4. I have to exercise
early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing. 5. I like
long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
annoy me. 6. The advantage to exercising every day is that you die healthier.
7. I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them. 8. If you are
going to take up cross-country skiing, it helps to start
with a small country. 9. I don't jog; it makes me spill my milk shake. 10.
Actually, I don't exercise at all. If we were meant to touch our
toes, we would have them farther up on our body.
+++++++++++
Eddie Arcaro claims a Western horse owner raced an eight-year-old that had never
raced before. Although an old horse with no record attracts no bets, this one
galloped home first with a good margin to spare, an 80 to 1 shot.
Naturally suspicious, the stewards asked the owner. "How come you never raced
this horse before?"
Retorted the one under inquisition: "Well, to tell you the truth, gentlemen, we
couldn't catch him until he was seven!"
++++++++
Signs an Athlete is Using a Banned Substance...
~ Gets "psyched" before each competition by banging his
head against a locker, although he's on the chess team.
~ Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.
~ Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob
at this year's French Open.
~ Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 and the Preakness.
~ Swimmer's refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her
valuable seconds in the 100-meter freestyle.
~ His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."
~ Absent-mindedly shows up at starting blocks with syringe
dangling from arm.
~ Remainder of high-jump event postponed until he lands.
~ Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.
~ Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.
~ Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.
++++++++
Humorous Quotes About Sports... "This week, David Hasselhoff checked
himself into the Betty Ford clinic to treat a problem with alcohol. Hasselhoff
said he knew he had a problem because he thought his car was talking to him."
-Conan O'Brien "I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke
out." Rodney Dangerfield. "Sure, luck means a lot in football. Not having a
good quarterback is bad luck." Don Schula.
"Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse." Richard Sasuly.
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing
golf with his boss." Jim Murray. "Of course I have played outdoor games. I
once played dominoes in an open air cafe in Paris." Oscar Wilde. "Some people
think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more
serious than that." Bill Shankly. "I failed to make the chess team because of
my height." Woody Allen. "Sure, there have been deaths and injuries in boxing,
but none of them serious." Alan Winter.
++++++++++ At a resort, a guy walks up to an older fellow who is sitting in
the sun, sipping iced tea.
Young guy says, "Hey, how about a round of golf?"
"Nah," the older fellow replies, "tried it once, didn't like it."
"Well, how about a swim? It'll be more refreshing that your iced tea there."
"Nah," the older fellow responds, "tried it once, didn't like it."
"Young guy says, "Well, how about a game of tennis?" "Naw, tried it once
and didn't like it. But my son will be here soon. He's usually up for a game or
two." Young guy replies, "Your only child I presume?"
+++++
It was bound to happen.
These days, with all the emphasis on one's physical fitness, a new organization
has sprung up called "Athletics Anonymous."
When you get the urge to play golf, tennis, go power-walking
or bicycle riding (or anything else involving a type of physical
activity), they send someone over to drink with you until the
urge passes.
+++++++ 
"My initial response was to sue her for defamation of
character, but then I realized that I had no character.
-Charles Barkley
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in
the air even longer." -David Acfield, announcer
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd
"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
-Basketball player Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert
"It's almost like we have ESPN."
-Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went
to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon
during his visit to Greece.
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going
to be an uncle or an aunt."
-Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at
practice, 1982.
"Tom."
-Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when
asked how he pronounced his name, 1966.
"I'll always be Number 1 to myself." -Moses Malone
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
-Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want
all the kids to copulate me.
--Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model
"I lost it in the sun!"
-Billy Loes, Brooklyn Dodgers Pitcher, after fumbling a
grounder.
This is why "Sports Scholarship" is an oxymoron . . .
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up
in a circle" - Bill Peterson, a Florida State footballl coach
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can
still find my clothes."
- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining
why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State footballl coach
"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The
tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your
brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
-Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was iineligible as
a freshman because of academic requirements
"I know the Virginia players are smart because you
need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs
to get our players to and from class"
- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He
went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
-Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up
again with promoter Don King
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that
we went to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visiited the
Parthenon during his visit to Greece
"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why
nobody goes to see the game anymore."
-Yogi Berra
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long
it takes."
-Senior basketball player at the Universsity of Pittsburgh
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius
is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
"Arnie O'Palmer, usually a great putter, seems to be having
trouble with his long putt. However he has no trouble
dropping his shorts."
-- Golf broadcaster on the air during a tournament
"The biggest thrill a ballplayer can have is when your son
takes after you. That happened when my Bobby was in his
championship Little League game. He really showed me
something. Struck out three times and made an error that
lost the game. Parents were throwing things at our car
and swearing at us as we drove off. Gosh, I was proud."
--Bob Uecker
++++++++ 
Great Sports Cliches:
When You Win
"We came to play."
"We found a way to win."
"It was a big win for us."
"We brought our A-game."
"Everyone gave it a 110%."
"We stuck to the gameplan."
"It was a total team effort."
"We showed a lot of character."
"We wanted to make a statement."
"We came through when it counted."
When You Lose:
"They outplayed us."
"We didn't execute."
"Turnovers killed us."
"We didn't get the breaks."
"They were the better team."
"We didn't get the job done."
"We weren't mentally prepared."
"They stepped up and made plays."
"They wanted it more than we did."
"We have to put this loss behind us."
++++++
The best quotes from Sky TVs rugby man, the ubiquitous
Murray Mexted:
"You don't like to see hookers going down on players like
that."
"He's looking for some meaningful penetration into the
backline."
"Spencer's running across field calling out, 'come inside
me, come inside me.'"
"I can tell you it's a magnificent sensation when the gap
opens up like that and you just burst right through."
"I don't like this new law, because your first instinct when
you see a man on the ground is to go down on him."
"Darryl Gibson has been quite magnificent coming inside
Andrew Mehrtens, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of
the same today."
"There's nothing that a tight forward likes more than a
loosie right up his backside"
"Everybody knows that I have been pumping Martin Leslie for
a couple of seasons now."
++++++++
Two Americans boarded a flight out of Salt Lake City after the hockey
game.One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, a Canadian got on and took the aisle seat.
After take-off, the Canadian kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the American in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and
get a beer."
"No problem," said the Canadian, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the Americans picked up the Canadian's shoe and spat
in it. When he returned with the beer, the other American said, "That looks
good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Canadian obligingly went to fetch
it and while he was gone, the other American picked up the other shoe and spat
in it. The Canadian returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the
flight.
As the plane was landing, the Canadian slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This
fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in
shoes, and peeing in beers?"
+++++++
Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of
exercises to get you prepared:
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the
walk- in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn
two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer
after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top
half of your head before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with
glue smeared on the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the
ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs
of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are
looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your
shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then
tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately
throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and
ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying
$8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in
the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your
jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to
make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere –
as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're
following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button
and let the spray blast your face. Leave the
ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into
your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and
then proceed to take them off because you have
to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a
doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and
Sunday until it's time for the real thing!
**** 
Holyfield lawyers chew out 'ear candy' makers
LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Evander Holyfield isn't too sweet on a candy maker's latest
creation -- ear-shaped chocolates that have Mike Tyson-sized bites taken out of
them.
The heavyweight champ's lawyers have sent the Candy Factory, a
cease-and-desist letter to halt sales of the "Earvander-Tyson Bites."
Candy Factory owner Frank Sheftel started selling the chocolates soon
after the June 28 fight in which Tyson was disqualified after biting off a chunk
of Holyfield's ear.
Sheftel said Friday he won't stop selling the ears, even if it means a
tussle in court. "This is a symbolic gesture," he said, picking up one of
the pairs of red boxing gloves he keeps on a counter. "I can take it, what do
they say, from ringside to courtside? But I'm hoping it won't go that far."
Sheftel said he has sold about 300 boxed pairs of chocolate ears and made about
$600 profit.
The letter from Holyfield's lawyers accuses Sheftel of using the champ's
likeness without his permission. It demands that he stop selling chocolates and
turn over his proceeds from their sale.
Another chocolate version of Holyfield's ear also is being sold at some
Southern California candy stores. Entrepreneur Carlos Sepulveda's "Evander Holey
Ear" also bears bite marks. The ears go for $3.50 each and have made Sepulveda
several thousand dollars.
Copyright 1997 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.
+++++++++
Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after
the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!
+++
Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he
obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!
Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.
For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants
it to be held in Earie, PA.
New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in
every bite!!!
They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead
of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in
the third!!!"
Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!
If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow
or an ear bite?
In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!
Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece
of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.
Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!
+++++++++
 
A man went out to a bar with his buddies late one night,
and he got so drunk he ended up having sex with a girl at the
bar. He knew his wife would be livid when she realized what
he had done, so before he went home, he rubbed chalk on his
hands. He walked through the door at around the crack of dawn,
and his wife yelled, "Where have you been?!"
"I went out with my buddies to a bar," he replied, "and I ended
up getting laid by this girl at the bar."
"Let me see your hands," she screamed, so he showed her the
chalk on his hands. "You damn liar!" she exclaimed, "You went
late-night bowling again, didn't you?!"
+++++++
WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS:
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role
model: "I wan all them kids to do what I do, to look
up to me. I wan all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about
the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or
1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd
run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt
Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over
Joe's Mom, too."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his
coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets
us wear earrings."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann,
1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of
Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter
how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You
guys line up alphabetically by height." And "You guys
pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up
again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect
him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three
years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining
why he keeps a color photo of himself above his
locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name,
I can still find my clothes."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan
training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a
guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning
regardless of what time it is."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared
nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby,
and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
aunt."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance
or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't
care.'"
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music,
no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
++++++
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M,
recounting what he told a player who received four F's
and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too
much time on one subject."
Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why
he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips
responded: "Because she is too dadgum ugly to kiss
good-bye."
++++++
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself
on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your
friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you
standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
++++++++++
Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the
humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New
Orleans paper.
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with
the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.
Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes,
basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're
having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband
that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to
worry that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of
the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in
distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go
away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then
you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help
matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her
options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain,
suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit,
she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he
assured her. The white will provide more than adequate
camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing
and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the
side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a
wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you
got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing
moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing
backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow
missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and
her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around
her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating
an unusual vista for the other skiers.
The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under
the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The
bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to
pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived,
putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of
the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported
her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with
an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.
"So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the damndest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was
riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my
eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out
of control down the mountain with her bare bottom
hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around
her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess
I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."
"So how'd you break your arm?"
++++++++++
 
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the
elephants decided to challenge the ants to a game of
soccer. The game was going well with the
elephants beating the ants ten goals to nil, when the ants
gained possession. The ants' star player was dribbling the
ball towards the elephants' goal when the elephants' left
back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod
on the little ant, killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think
you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing
another player?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't
mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."
+++++++
The gym teacher's name was Mr. Kendall. Mr. Kendall did not
speak anything but "Gym." One day I was playing basketball
and Mr. Kendall told me I would have to get an athletic
supporter. He didn't express himself exactly that way,
though. He said, "Hey, you, one day you're gonna go up for
a rebound and the family jewels aren't gonna go with ya."
I had no idea what he was talking about. Next day I showed
up for practice without my watch and my ring. He said, "Did
ya take care of the family jewels?"
I said, "I left 'em in my locker."
Took us a half hour to revive Mr. Kendall.
++++++
Sports Quotes
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
- Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice, 1982.
I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.
- Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model
"I lost it in the sun!"
- Billy Loes, Brooklyn Dodgers Pitcher, after fumbling a grounder.
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach
"I don't care what the tape says. I didn't say it."
- Football coach Ray Malavasi
"I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid."
- Former football player/announcer Terry Bradshaw
"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
- Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs, 1986
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.
- New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers
***********
First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.
Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests
at heart. Did she make any suggestions?
First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you
play this Russian Roulette?
+++++++++
 
Actual Quotes from Sporting Events:
From Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator --
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria.
I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
From Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator --
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
From Murray Walker -- "The lead car is absolutely unique,
except for the one behind it which is identical."
From Greg Norman -- "I owe a lot to my parents, especially
my mother and father."
From Alan Minter -- "Sure there have been injuries and
deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
From Terry Venables -- "If history repeats itself,
I should think we can expect the same thing again"
From Ron Atkinson -- "He dribbles a lot and the opposition
don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is
kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
---Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race in 1977
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is
that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them... Oh my God! What have I just said?!"
---US golf commentator
"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his
legs and showing his class."
---David Coleman equestrian commentator
++++++
Giving a man his physical, the doctor noticed several dark,
ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey,
soccer, or some physical sport?"
"No," he answered. "I play bridge with my wife."
++++++++
Having gone out for a large lunch with fellow workers, one
health conscious young woman from our office was especially
motivated to get to the gym after work. Our boss, who had
also enjoyed a large meal, suggested that she run an extra
lap for him. As she was leaving the office, she called to
the boss, "Get ready to start huffing and puffing, 'cause
I'll be on your lap in half an hour!"
+++++++
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his
co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up
once in a while."
Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley
Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television..."
***************
SPORTS TALK
1976 Greg Buttle, New York Jet linebacker, explaining
his contractual obligations: "They pay me to practice.
Sundays I play for free."
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights
as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same,
just darker."
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not
to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid
I'd get shot."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said,
'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting
what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son,
looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said,
"To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
++++++++
When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a
woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic
socks. "Will you open this so I can see how the socks feel?"
she asked.
Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the
merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, "I'll take
them."
Relieved, I started to ring her up, until she interrupted me.
"Can I have another pack? This one's been opened."
+++++++
Despite warnings from his guide, an American skiing in Swit-
zerland got separated from his group and fell into a deep
crevasse. Several hours later, a rescue party found the
hole, and to reassure the stranded skier shouted down to
him, "We're from the Red Cross"
"Sorry," the imperturbable American echoed back, "I already
gave at the office!"
++++++=
Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to
make love."
"Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"
++++++++++
BIGGEST LIES IN HOCKEY
5. "Don't sweat it, kid -- we're just sending you down to the minors for a few weeks."
4. "Our players never take painkiller injections."
3. "I don't care if I am not scoring, so long as the team is
winning."
2. "Honest coach, I only had two beers last night."
1. "Don't worry, my roommate is a really heavy sleeper."
++++++++++
Plagued by injury one season, tennis player Todd Martin
was asked during a press conference, "Could you tell us
where you are physically right now?"
"Physically, I'm right here," replied Martin. "Would you
like to know where I am metaphysically?"
++++++++=
Sports Quotes:
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast
enough."
Mario Andretti.
+++
"Sure, luck means a lot in football. Not having a good quarterback is bad luck."
Don Schula.
+++
"Sure, there have been deaths and injuries in boxing, but none of
them serious."
Alan Winter.
+++
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore
like an idiot."
Steven Wright.
+++
"Winning isn't everything: It's the only thing."
Vincent Lombardi.
================
SPORTS STUDY
After a two year long study, The National Science Foundation
announced the following results on Corporate America's recreation preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is:
BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: FOOTBALL
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF
CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the
smaller your balls become.
++++++++
A man is told by his doctor to take on some sport, so he decides to play tennis.
After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.
"It's going fine", the manager says, "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the
corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!".
"Really? What happens then?", the girl asks enthusiastic.
"Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!"
++++++++++
Q: What's the difference between a hockey game and a prize fight?
A: In a hockey game, the fights are real.
++++++++++
A scout for one of the leading colleges went to the office of
the athletic director and announced, "Have I got an athlete
for you! This guy can play every sport and excels at every
position. He is absolutely the finest athlete I have ever
seen play."
The athletic director was very impressed but had to ask the
question, "But how is he scholastically?"
The scout replied, "He makes straight "A"s in every subject.
However, I must tell you his "B"s are a little crooked."
++++++++
Sports Quotes from Around the World:
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him" (NZ rugby commentator)
"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!" (Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville, 1992).
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense." (Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball " (John Francombe) "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson)
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres." (David Coleman)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio)
" and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..." (Sue Barker)
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Ron Atkinson)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class" (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...... Oh my God, what have I just said?" (US TV commentator)
Sylvester Stallone says, "NASCAR would be a sport if
half the cars were driving in the other direction."
 
After the wrestling match, the interviewer approached Butch in his
locker room.
"What happened out there tonight, Butch? Just about everyone expected
you to win this match."
"I can't understand it," Butch said. "I won in rehearsal."
+++++++++++
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play
racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing
nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis.
"He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down
at his penis. "He's not my husband either," she says,
also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as
he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says.
"He's not even a member of this club."
++++++++++++++++++++++++
The skydiving instructor was going through the question
and answer period with his new students when one of
them asked the usual question always asked:
"If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open,
how long would we have till we hit the ground?"
The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan
answered:
"The rest of your life."
******************************
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet
below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth,
but with no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below
another 20 feet, and the guy joined him a few minutes later.
The diver went below 25 feet, and minutes later, the same
guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof
chalkboard set, and wrote,
"How the heck are you able to stay under this deep
without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver
had written, and wrote,
"I'm drowning, you f***ing moron...!"
+++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
+++++
BIG XII FUN
Q: What do the Aggies and marijuana have in common?
A: They both get smoked in a bowl.
Q: Why do Missouri graduates put their diploma on
the car dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicap spots.
Q: Why are a tornado and a Iowa State divorce similar?
A: You know someone is going to lose a house trailer!
Q: What is the difference between a Longhorn and a
bag of manure?
A: The bag.
Q: What do Oklahoma and Kansas State quarterbacks
have in common?
A: They always pass the ball to open Sooners.
++++++++++++++
At the recent Olympics, a man was walking through the Olympic village carrying a long pole. A reporter came up to him and asked
"Are you a pole vaulter?"
The man replied, "No, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
+++++++
Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to
scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch
the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security
system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states,
"Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag
to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your
packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes
to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips
off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states:
"Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of
registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so
forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to
the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia.
Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet
of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and
meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing.
They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont.
They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow
their cover stories.
Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed
wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont.
Fencing."
+++++
Stupid Things Said In The World Of Soccer:
1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score
stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.
2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.
3. And so they have not been able to improve on their
100% record.
4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.
5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of color: almost
all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.
6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.
7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today,
which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.
8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal,
the other need to score two to win.
9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.
10. You cannot possibly have counted the number
of passes made, but there were eight.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A high school senior was filling out college-scholarship
applications. One form asked for extracurricular activities.
He answered: "wrestling."
The next question requested positions held.
He entered: "pinned, mostly."
++++++++++++++++
Two boxers had placed bets and each backed himself to lose
the fight. During the progress of the bout, one accidentally
hit his opponent a light tap on the face. He immediately
laid down and the referee proceeded to count him out.
The other boxer was in a quandary. Just as the referee got to
nine, he had a magnificent idea. He rushed to the prostrate
man and kicked him in the stomach, and was disqualified.
++++++++++++
Have you noticed the sad state of boxing these days? It's gotten
so bad that recently during a fight, the two boxers danced round
and round hardly touching one another. Finally the referee got
them in a clinch and said, "Listen up guys, I don't mind you
dancing around like that, but dipping is out!"
+++++++
A punch drunk fighter ran up to a fight promoter and demanded a
fight, saying, "I can beat the stuffing out of Tiger McGraw!"
The promoter shook his head and said, "You are Tiger McGraw."
+++++++++++++++
Q: Why are hockey games so bloody?
A: Because they have three periods
++++++++++++++
The best quotes from Sky TVs rugby man, the ubiquitous
Murray Mexted:
"You don't like to see hookers going down on players like
that."
"He's looking for some meaningful penetration into the
backline."
"Spencer's running across field calling out, 'come inside
me, come inside me.'"
"I can tell you it's a magnificent sensation when the gap
opens up like that and you just burst right through."
"I don't like this new law, because your first instinct when
you see a man on the ground is to go down on him."
"Everybody knows that I have been pumping Martin Leslie for
a couple of seasons now."
+++++++
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets
for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped
to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very
tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a
stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman
came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing
a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and
said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the
site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented
himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, hammer throw." He
was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready
to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of
chain link, he presented himself at the gate and announced,
"O'Sullivan, fencing."
++++++++++++++++++
 
Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball
game on the outskirts of town and start necking.
After a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this
for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way,"
he pleads.
"Well, maybe," she says, "but I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts.
Besides all those people at the field may hear us."
The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start
making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start
singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really
doing."
The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get
down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game
hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly
that the teams stop playing.
"Mooooooooo ... Moooooooo ... Moooooon River ... !"
+++++++
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the
second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their
money and buy everything they'll need -- a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and
more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps to test the equipment. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he
has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces, and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he
comes back pretty messed up -- he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'piñata'?"
=========
"This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day.
I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were
seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven
o'clock race - so I backed the seventh."
"Did he win?"
"No, he came in seventh."
+++++++
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand
new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it
into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing,
waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him couldn't help but notice the
large bulge.
"What's that?" she asked, pointing at his shorts.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh my gosh," said the girl sympathetically... ,that
must be very painful . . . . I had tennis elbow once!"
+++++++
This bloke is out shopping one day and discovers a new brand of
Olympic condoms. Impressed, he buys a pack, goes home and announces his purchase to his wife.
"Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?" she asks.
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, silver and bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold, of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really? Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."
 
Cold Is Relative
50 degrees -- New Yorkers turn on the heat.
People in Buffalo plant gardens.
40 degrees -- Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Buffalo sunbathe.
35 degrees -- Italian cars won't start.
People in Buffalo drive with the windows down.
32 degrees -- Distilled water freezes.
Buffalo water gets thicker.
20 degrees -- Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Buffalo throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees -- Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Buffalo go swimming.
Zero degrees -- New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Buffalo have the last cookout before it gets cold.
10 degrees below zero -- People in Miami cease to exist.
People in Buffalo lick flagpoles.
20 degrees below zero -- Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Buffalo throw on a light jacket.
40 degrees below zero -- Hollywood disintegrates.
People in Buffalo rent videos.
60 degrees below zero -- Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Buffalo Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
80 degrees below zero -- Polar bears begin to evacuate
the Arctic.
Buffalo Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes
until it gets cold enough.
100 degrees below zero -- Santa Claus abandons the
North Pole.
People in Buffalo pull down their ear flaps.
173 degrees below zero -- Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Buffalo get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.
297 degrees below zero -- Microbial life start to disappear.
Buffalo cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 degrees below zero -- ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Buffalo start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 degrees below zero -- Hell freezes over.
Buffalo wins the Stanley Cup.
<><><><>
Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor
and a dentist?
A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.
++++
Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make
bacon have in common?
A. They both tear hams into shreds.
++++
Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
A. Someone on the other side could still walk.
++++
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in an aerobics class?
A: God couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
++++++++
MURPHY'S LAWS FOR ATHLETES
The referee will always be looking the other way when you are fouled.
The day you skip class to make it to practice on time, the coach will be sick.
The coach will only use you during demonstrations for tackling technique.
If you have injure a player, that player's father will be a lawyer.
After a magnificent play, you will trip on your way back to the bench.
After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a
groin muscle the night before your big game.
In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will
have the locker right next to yours.
No matter how many times you take care of it before you are
supposed to enter the game, you will invariably have to go to
the bathroom.
===============
An American, touring Spain, stopped at a local restaurant
following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria,
he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being
served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning.
A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said,
"What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is
only one serving per day because there is only one
bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow
and place your order, we will be sure to save you
this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed
his order, and that evening he was served the one
and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of
his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
"These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si senor. Sometimes the bull win."
******************************
 
One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed
so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up.
After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke.
The prostitute said "Well Mike, how's it all going?"
"How's it all going?" he asked. "My life's a disaster.
I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard
up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I'm on
parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating
her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've
lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and
my sport, they want to ban me for life and they won't
pay me my money.
Nothing could make my life any worse."
"Oh, that's so sad" the prostitute said.
"I'll say one thing to cheer you up.
You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!"
=================
A middle-aged man who had decided to take up jogging was
astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available
at the local sports store. While trying on a basic pair of
jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk
about it.
"What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"
"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife
to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."
"SOLD!" the man exclaimed.
-------------
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One
of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what
happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that
acts up once in a while."
Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the
Stanley Cup Play-Offs. I put my foot through the television."
========================
Three women were sitting around and bragging about
their children. The first one says, " You know, my son, he
graduated fist in his class from Yale. He's now a
doctor, making $250,000 a year in Los Angeles."
The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated
first in his class from Harvard. he's now a lawyer, making
half a million dollars a year and he lives in Boston."
The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too
well is school. He never went to any university but he now
makes one million dollars a year in New York working as
a sports repairman."
The other two women ask "What is a sports repairman?"
The woman then replies, "He fixes games... you know,
hockey games, football games, baseball games...."
---------------------------
Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and
then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working
out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too
hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya
doing?"
Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
Budweiser. Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You
must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes
with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around
Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "want your usual table dance?"
Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary
can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she
starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a
real bitch tonight, Dave."
-------------------
Sophie was marrying the sailor Jim Connor, the son of
the famous America's Cup captain Dennis Connor.
Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family,
and she suddenly realized she had forgotten her shoes.
Panic set in until her sister remembered that she had a
pair of white shoes from her wedding, so she lent them
to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too
small, and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's
feet were in agony. When she and Jim withdrew to their
room the only thing she could think of was getting her
shoes off.
The rest of the Connor family crowded around the door
to the bedroom, hearing roughly what they expected:
grunts, straining noises, and the occasional muffled
scream. Eventually, they heard Jim say,
“God, that was tight."
Then, to their surprise, they heard Jim say,
“Right. Now for the other one. ”
Following was more grunting and straining, and
at last he said,
“My God, that was even tighter.”
“That's my boy ,“ said Dennis Connor,
“Once a sailor, always a sailor.”
===========================
A man walked into his office, when his boss stuck his
head in the door, and asked,
"I thought you called in sick yesterday."
"I was sick."
"But when I saw you at the racetrack you looked
fine to me."
The employee responded,
"You didn't see me after the sixth race."
++++++++++++++++++
Did you see where that lady that won the 20 million
dollar lawsuit for the McDonald's coffee being too
hot, is suing Walmart?
Apparently she bought an Ernie Irvin Shirt and
hit the wall 10 times before she left the store.
++++++++++++++++++++++
How did Captain Hook die?
Jock itch.
++++++++++++++++
GYM DIARY PART II
Day 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya,
I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7
Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time
my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a free prostate exam.
===================
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms.
The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all
line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no
legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can
still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides
he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the
head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and
sputtering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've
spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before
the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
<><><><><>
 
R-rated Sports Humor:
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids to
help them out a bit. The team's performance soars. They win the
county and state championships and are favored to win the national
competition easily.
Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says,
"Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"What?" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does the hair go?"
She replies, "All the way down to my balls and that's the second
thing I wanted to talk to you about."
==========
The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home
with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be
awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,"
said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my breasts
and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my
thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt between my legs and yelled,
'who left the garage door open?'"
++++++++++++
HOW SKIING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. Choice of day or night
9. You pay once to go up and down all day
8. Skis are always hard
7. You have a choice of expert or beginner
6. You always get picked up when in line
5. Lubricant lasts for days
4. Vertical is better than horizontal
3. You can ride more than two mounds at a time
2. Lessons are available
1. Abundance of virgin territory
======================
While she was waiting for the members of her
bridge club to arrive, Mrs. Jones let a whopper
of a fart. The smell was just awful so she hurriedly
sprayed the room with air freshener.
Just minutes later Mrs. Smith arrived, and
sniffing the air as she walked into the room
she said, "Good grief, Mary, it smells like
someone shit in a pine tree!
++++++++++
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: "Olympic Condoms."
Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"
"They're in three colors," he replies, "gold, silver, and bronze."
"What color are you planning on wearing tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Why, gold, of course," says the man proudly.
"Really?" she responds. "Why don't you wear the silver tonight? It'd be nice if you came second for a change."
+++++
Three guys walk into a motel and find out there is only
one room with only one bed. Since it's the only motel
in town, the guys decide to share the bed. They get to
their room, squeeze in, and fall asleep.
The next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed
wakes up and says, "I had the craziest dream about
getting the best handjob of my life."
The guy on the right side says, "That's incredible - I had
the same dream!"
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "Wow,
I had the weirdest dream!" The other two guys nod their
heads in anticipation.
"I was cross-country skiing really, really fast..."
+++++++++
What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.
+++
HORSE RACE LINEUP
In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Dick
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry
AND THEY'RE OFF
Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts
and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is
being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between
Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.
AT THE HALFWAY MARK
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is
pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against
Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working
hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific
pressure from Big Dick.
AT THE STRETCH
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is
making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate
Lady is coming.
AT THE FINISH
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate
Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks
like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one
final thrust, and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows,
Thighs weakens, Heavy Bosom pulls up and Clean Sheets
never had a chance!
++++++
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